That's My Time...

Trying to be artsy on a lazy Sunday

2012-01-27T05:13:00.000-08:00

For the weekend of January 13-15, I performed at Leo's Komedy Korner in Windsor, Ontario. Despite the snow/bad weather delaying my arrival, I had a wonderful time! The staff at Leo's place is always so wonderful, and the crowds are incredible (they're so polite, and such great listeners). I didn't take any shots of my trip there (after all, how many pictures can you take of the border crossing?), but I did a take a lot of pictures of the lazy Sunday I had after my Saturday there.

It was Drew's birthday on Saturday and we celebrated on Sunday with coffee, movies and lots of vegan food.

I took some shots, because, hey, I've got an iphone and a program that makes my photos look artsy, so why not, right?

Cafe Ollie in Ypsilanti, Michigan. They have amazing vegan food. If you're in the 734 area code, you must visit.

We had the tofu scramble, which was excellent!

Then we headed to Royal Oak, Michigan, where we gorged ourselves more. This time, it was here:

And we saw Melancholia (also excellent, but for different reasons than the tofu scramble, obvi).

Two dollar pants in Iowa

2012-01-26T21:06:00.000-08:00

I started my first week of 2012 by performing Iowa. I shared the stage with the hilarious (not to mention, super nice) Mark Poolos. We started off performing at the Meskwaki Casino (where I was good and managed not to lose my entire paycheck on the black jack tables) and finished up our run at Joker's in Cedar Falls. We had a nice turn-out for the Joker's shows, and I even managed to score a pair of pants (that don't look like grandma pants or have an elastic waist band) for $2 at the thrift store in town (which, when you wear a 7 Long, is no easy feat).

On Sunday, I woke up at 5 am and hopped in the car so I could make it to my show in Midland, Michigan (P.S. Seriously, who is doing my routing? Oh yeah, um, me). There, I worked with my good buddy, Steve Sabo, and my new friend, Nathan Kime. Sadly, there weren't too many people in the crowd, but the people who were there brought the laughter! At one point, a drunk audience member even rushed the stage just so he could hug Sabo. It's times like this that I thank my lucky stars that I'm only a feature act. I don't get shown quite the amount of "love" as most headliners.

I was super tired on my drive home after my Sunday show, but it was eased by discovering one of my old Paula Abdul tapes. I listened to "I Need You" from the Forever Your Girl album on repeat the whole way home, and choreographed videos in my mind. That's what most normal people do at 11:00 pm on a Sunday, right? RIGHT?

Anyway, I didn't take any pictures of actual people, but I did get some stellar shots of buildings (because, hey, if you're like me, you read blogs just so you can see pictures that might as well have been lifted from google images).

Happy New Year!

2012-01-01T18:28:00.000-08:00

My New Year's Eve started this way:

The Resolution 5K in Lansing (taken before we snorted kale, freebased B-12 and smoked the competition).

And ended this way:

On stage at Connxtions Comedy Club, double-fisting it before the ball dropped.

It was a wonderful day. To see more pictures, you can visit my Facebook album, located here. And by the way, while you're at it, I sure would appreciate if you gave my Facebook page a big ol' "like."

2011 was a year of great adventure! Some highlights:

-I traveled to Costa Rica for the first time.

-I performed in the following states for the first time:
-Nevada
-Oregon
-Idaho
-Montana
-Florida
-Kansas
-Nebraska
-South Dakota

-I moved in with my main squeeze and my step-cat (note to self: must write new jokes that aren't about living at home with my mamacita).

-I started working (professionally) in animal rights again, this time for Animals and Society Institute.

-I ran my first 5K.

-I attended my first NASCAR race.

-I did some protesting and took a trip with the Animal Liberation Project.

-I saw the loves of my life in concert again.

-I did a couple of commercials, including this one:

-I walked the Mackinac Bridge for the first time.

Of course, I made resolutions/goals for next year, too. They are as follows:

-I will complete a 10K.
-I will give up soda completely.
-I will hold at least one mayorship on foursquare (hey, I had to make that was actually attainable).

Happy 2012, y'all!

Folk singers and muddy windshields

2011-12-23T04:38:00.000-08:00

Last week was definitely busy! On Thursday, I saw one of my favorite singers in the world, Melissa Ferrick, perform at the Ark in Ann Arbor. She is the best live performer I have ever seen! The show was absolutely out of this world, and I wrote a review for it over at Zoiks Online. So, um, yeah, that hyperlink is your cue to read it.

On Friday, I worked at Cali's Bar in Brookfield, Wisconsin. It was a cute, intimate room. And the best part? It was attached to the Best Western Motel in town. I've said it once, and I'll say it again: Kate Brindle LOVES comedy rooms that are attached to hotels. Read: Kate Brindle LOVES stumbling home without having to worry about DUI's.

Actually, Friday night was pretty tame because I had to get up early in the morning to head to Duluth, Minnesota. In fact, at most shows, I get excited about free shots. Not this one. At this one, I was most excited by the granola at the free continental breakfast. Am I getting old or what?

On Saturday, I headed to Duluth and performed two shows at Dubh Linn Pub. Everyone was tall and blonde in Minnesota; it was like I had returned to my homeland. Both shows were sold out, and the crowds were fantastic! I had so much fun at the show. Plus, I got the added bonus of catching up with my good friend, Tim, who works at Dubh Linn. I also had the treat of working with Isaac Witty. I had never worked with him before, and I was so impressed. He's such a fantastic writer, and I definitely left the show feeling inspired.

Because I'm a master at routing (read: master at failing to look at an atlas), I had a show the following day that was 13 hours away. So, I woke up at the crack of dawn, grabbed a free coffee from the hotel (ah, the little things in life that make me happy) and headed out.

I had to drive across the top of Michigan's upper peninsula and then all the way down I-75 to get to my destination outside of Detroit. Because I was in the upper Midwest, and it snows like nobody's business here, my car was constantly being pelted with a slushy, muddy mix of yuck.

Every time I attempted to clean my windshield with wiper fluid (or, as it's known by its proper name: "squirty stuff"), my ol' Honda girl denied me. So I figured she was out of fluid. Seeing as there's not much civilization in the UP, there weren't exactly a lot of places around where I could purchase wiper solution. So instead, I pulled over every five minutes, doused my windshield with water and tried to wipe it with a napkin.

After two hours of this, I finally found a gas station where I could purchase more wiper fluid. After cursing loudly since it was so cold and my hood got stuck, I managed to lift the hood and pour the squirty stuff into the squirty canister (also a proper name). I remember thinking that the canister must be huge as I was pouring TONS of it in there and it still wasn't filling up.

About this time, my feet started getting wet. You see, it seems my squirty canister had sprung a leak, and ALL of the fluid was draining directly onto my feet.

As you can imagine, at this point, more cursing ensued.

So, for the next nine hours, I drove with my windshield looking like this:

Because I was terrified that I would hit someone or something, and because driving a car that looks like it's been through a monster truck course is not my idea of fun, it was a mixture of swearing and praying inside my car (with the occasional break to belt out Christmas music) the entire ride home.

The drive was completely worth it though because I got to be a part of comedian Mark Knope's Toys for Tots show. Mark has produced the show for three years, and this year, he invited me to do it. It went really well, and we collected several box loads of toys for kids. Here's hoping he holds a sex toy party for single women in their thirties next year. Yours truly is hoping to be the benefactor.

A group shot after the show:

It was so great to see all the other comics. Not only was everyone super funny, but it was great to catch up with old friends.

And moi on stage (probably mid-poop joke).

Michigan shows

2011-12-05T17:21:00.001-08:00

All of my shows this past week were in Michigan. As much as I'd rather be booked in Florida right now given the snow and ice that have recently blanketed the mitten state, I do enjoy being home.

On Thursday, I performed at Soaring Eagle Casino in Mt. Pleasant. It's not quite Vegas, but they do have a respectable buffet and a crap ton of lights, so close enough.

Seriously though, Soaring Eagle is really nice. It had always been on my list of places I wanted to go to for fun, so even better that I actually got paid to be there.

Plus, get this - they have free fountain soda! Yep, that's what I'm talkin' about! For a Diet Pepsi addict like myself, that's like a dream come true. Screw money and fame, give me complimentary, sugary carbonation, and I'm a happy gal.

Oh, and did I mention I got a bunch of Bud Light swag? Because, um, yeah, I did. Bud Light was sponsoring the comedy night, and so I got a free Bud Light t-shirt, hat, beads and keychain. Nothing like mixing drinking and car keys!

On Friday night, I performed at the Bay Mills Casino in Brimley. I had a great time at the show! The audience was fun, and I also really enjoyed watching the headliners, TC Hatter and Marcianne, perform. Their act is super unique and also super hilarious. Plus, they were both very nice (even more of a bonus). Here I am on stage:

On the way home, it snowed and sleeted like whoa, which was not so pleasant. But, I had to get back to southern Michigan quickly so I could perform at a benefit show for Camp Take Notice.

If you haven't heard of the camp, it's a grassroots tent community of homeless people currently residing in Ann Arbor. It offers an alternative approach to the traditional government and private systems that provide shelter and basic resources for the homeless. CTN’s emphasis on community among camp members and faith-based organizations is what sets it apart from other services.

There, I performed with MC Nate Armbruster.

And headliner Keith Lenart.

That's apparently what I look like when I laugh at my own jokes.

*Last three photos by Dane Gussin. Check out more of his work at: http://www.youtube.com/DanesWorldLLC

For more information about Camp Take Notice, please see: http://tentcitymichigan.org/

My first 5K and Thanksgiving!

2011-11-27T09:54:00.000-08:00

This year, my Thanksgiving week was quite eventful! I started the holiday by completing my first ever 5K (the Stuffing Strut in downtown Detroit). I never fancied myself a runner. Heck, I never fancied myself much of an exerciser at all, really. But, for some reason, I got this crazy idea in my head around early summer that I should compete in a race. So, I started, slowly but surely, working on the Couch to 5K program, which I highly recommend. When I first started, I got winded by running for more than 45 seconds (not even kidding about that one, folks). And now, I can actually run a 5K without walking (or hyperventilating too much).

There's the finish line:

The race weather couldn't have been better (mid-50's), and since the race course was the same as the Thanksgiving parade route, there were people everywhere cheering the runners on (all 20,000 of us). I absolutely loved the energy! I was a bit concerned about how I would feel as I only slept for four hours the night before, but hearing the cheers, seeing all of the people in costume and running through downtown Detroit gave me such a surge and I was actually excited to be jogging.

In the evening, I went to my mother's house, where we made a vegan feast! On the menu this year: vegan meatloaf, stuffing (my grandma's old recipe, which I veganized), green bean casserole, apple/walnut salad, mashed potatoes, rolls and pumpkin pie.

After eating, I went into a bit of a food coma. Not before snapping some shots of my family though.

During the weekend, I performed at Leo's Komedy Korner in Windsor, Ontario. Leo's has always been one of my favorite clubs. The crowds are smart, and the staff are out-of-this-world nice. I performed with Leo DuFour and Tim Rowlands, and we had two great shows. I even had some friends of mine join me at the show, and of course, I made a stop to Tim Horton's. The best part though? I made it through the border with absolutely no hassle. So yay to not getting strip-searched!

Thoughts on Thanksgiving

2011-11-23T19:38:00.000-08:00

While I hope everyone has a nice Thanksgiving and gets to spend time with their families (or chosen families), I also think it's important to consider the realities of this holiday. We go around laughing and saying, "gobble, gobble." We discuss cooking techniques to get the perfect texture. We take pictures of the finished "product" (not that I am above this). But, I think we forget about how the turkeys actually got to our plates. We don't see the suffering. Instead, we sit around, listing what we are thankful for, often forgetting that they lived a life of torture. They spent their entire lives suffering so our taste buds could feel good for five minutes.

I think we must remember them today. And we must remember that our choices have ramifications.

From COK.net: "The average American consumes 17 pounds of turkey meat per year, resulting in the annual slaughter of 252 million turkeys—more than 65 million of whom are killed during the winter holiday season alone.

Most farmed turkeys spend their entire lives inside overcrowded and poorly ventilated warehouses that typically house up to 25,000 birds in a single shed affording as little as one square foot of space per bird. Such stocking densities make it impossible for most birds to carry out normal behaviors and cause the turkeys to suffer from stress and disease.

After 14 to 20 weeks, turkeys are transported to slaughter without food, water, or protection from extreme temperatures. At the slaughter plant, the birds are dumped onto conveyors and hung upside down in shackles by their legs. In the United States, there is no legal requirement that poultry be rendered unconscious before they are slaughtered.

Profits have taken priority over animal welfare. Standard industry practices cause turkeys to experience both acute and chronic pain. The treatment of these animals would be illegal if anti-cruelty laws applied to farm animals. But in the United States, unlike many other countries, there is no federal legislation protecting turkeys (or other poultry) on the farm, in transit, or during slaughter; and most state anti-cruelty statutes do not apply to farm animals.

This sort of cruelty is entirely preventable. And it's so easy to have a vegan Thanksgiving. For a list of delicious, cruelty-free recipes, I urge you to visit the follow sites:

Mercy for Animals

Veg Web

PETA

I know it’s easy to forget about what really goes into the food on your plate, but I think it’s especially important to remember today. I hope we can all be thankful for compassion and practice it ourselves by having a cruelty-free holiday.

Black bears, beer and fake bakes

2011-11-14T14:15:00.000-08:00

I performed in White Pine, Michigan this past weekend. When the booking email went around saying which gigs were available, I saw "Michigan," and thought, wow, that'd be great to be home for the weekend. So I put it for it. When I got the itinerary, it dawned on me what a large state Michigan truly is. Turns out, White Pine is roughly ten hours from my house. So much for being home for the weekend.

But, alas, I grabbed some of my best music (read: boy band cassette tapes) and self-help/meditation MP3's (personal growth and getting your life together seem like a great way to kill a long drive, right?), and I was off. The drive wasn't too bad, and it flew by fairly quickly. And bonus for the Mackinac Bridge actually being open this time around (unlike last time I was there).

After driving in nothingness for what seemed like hours, I finally arrived at the gig. I was quite shocked to find I was going to be performing in an entertainment complex. This place had a tanning salon, bowling alley, and bar. That's, like, the trifecta of fun right there (AKA heaven to the cast of Jersey Shore)! It also had hotel rooms and a spa attached to it (yay for being able to stumble home after the doing several shots).

Before the show, I perused the hotel's bookshelf and found this:

Unfortunately, it didn't contain any material I could actually use in my set.

A picture of the spa (yes, that sign does contain a warning to watch for black bears):

The show was really fun! And it was packed. The town seemed so small, and I was pleased that they were able to get such a great turn-out. And I sold a ton of bumper stickers ($70 worth to be exact). Congratulations, Yoopers, you just set a new merch record!

White Pine is in a really beautiful area. It borders Lake Superior and the Porcupine Mountains. If you haven't ever made your way up there, I recommend it.

Here are some pictures that I tried to make all artsy-fartsy with my new iPhone app. I took these the morning after the show. It would have been ten times more tranquil had I not been hungover.

Halloween Extravaganza!

2011-11-11T07:48:00.000-08:00

I absolutely love Halloween. In the words of Celine Dion, I lurve it! In the words of 50 Cent, I love it like a fat kid loves cake. So, as you can imagine, I was quite excited that, this year, I got to have a week's worth of Halloween festivities.

On Sunday, October 23, 2011, I performed at the Laugh Riot Dolls' Halloween Show at Joey's Comedy Club in Livonia, Michigan. It was so wonderful to perform with many of the funny women of Detroit, and of course, it was great to bust out a Halloween costume a week early.

Pre-show in my apartment. Definitely the most revealing outfit I've ever worn on stage.

Backstage at Joey's Comedy Club with Upchuck the Clown from Psychopathic Records. Juggalos of the world: be jealous, be very jealous.

Some of the other dolls from the show:

The following weekend, I headed to Rochester, Minnesota to perform at Goonie's Comedy Club for the first time. I had heard great things about the club (awesome audiences, really kind staff, etc.), and it definitely lived up to its reputation! Everyone was super nice there, and the audiences were smart and attentive.

Plus, the hotel (the Hilton Downtown) rocked! You know you're in a nice hotel when your room has mouthwash, a shower cap, and a lack of blood stained carpeting.

Not only did it have a nice workout room and pool, but it also had a refrigerator and microwave, which allowed me to make dinner every night. I swear, I'm going to write a cookbook and hotel room cooking (said book will feature ways to use the iron to make toast and coffee maker to make ramen noodles).

On Saturday night, nearly everyone at the club dressed up. Thinking nobody else would actually follow thru, I forwent my Halloween costume. However, when I walked in and saw people costumed as everything from Bat-Woman to a lime wedge, I was instantly filled with regret.

Pre-show shenanigans.

Simon Zais on stage. One playboy bunny jumpsuit + a ten minute MC spot = guts.

With Simon Zais (who MCed) and Jack Willhite (who headlined).

With the Goonie's staff.

After returning home from Rochester, Drew and I decided to embrace the sluttiness that has become Halloween. Yes, we actually left the house like this.

Due to the economic downturn, strip clubs have developed a multi-tier program. The one on the left is for men who've already had five pitchers of PBR.

Drew is having a hard time finding work as a writer.

When Drew told his parents he was going back to school, this is not quite what they envisioned.

A nurse and a schoolgirl walk into a bar...

Sadly, since Halloween fell on a Monday, not very many other people were in costume. But, as you can see, that didn't stop us from rocking our skank-tacular outfits.

Top Ten Halloween Songs

2011-10-31T05:29:00.000-07:00

This post originally appeared on ZoiksOnline.com.

Halloween is my favorite holiday of the year. It's a great time to get together with friends, eat candy…and look like a total skank. That's the trifecta of fun, right there. In honor of the holiday, I have put together a list of my favorite ten songs:

1. "Freaks Come Out at Night" by Whodini – Not only is this song quite danceable, but the lead singer's leather cowboy hat (and open leather shirt ensemble) is sure to send chills down anyone's spine.

2. "Nightmare on My Street" by DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince – Who doesn't like a circa-1980's hip hop beat thrown over some scary horror movie theme music?

3. "Tubular Bells Pt. 1" by Mike Oldfield – Honestly, I had no idea this song was even in The Exorcist. I just remember enjoying it on my Pure Moods complication CD, which was in constant rotation during my first year of college. So, I've included it for nostalgia purposes. Lucky for you readers, I've left all of the other music I listened to in the late 90's off the list.

4. "Thriller" by Michael Jackson – Alas, what Halloween list would be complete without this little gem?

5. "Pour Some Sugar on Me" by Def Leppard – Okay, this one might be a bit of a stretch. But, I figured nearly everyone eats candy on Halloween (my apologies to the diabetics of the world). Candy contains sugar, hence the song.

6. "Somebody's Watching Me" by Rockwell – Never has getting stalked sounded so good.

7. "Spiderwebs" by No Doubt – If you jump around enough while listening to this tune, you might even get abs like those belonging to Gwen Stefani.

8. "The Time Warp" from The Rocky Horror Picture Show – I dare you not to dance to this one (or, have an unexplainable urge to wear black garters and fishnet stockings)!

9. "Monster Mash" by Bobby "Boris" Picket – Of course I had to include this classic. I'm still partial to the original, but since its first recording, several bands have covered it, including the Smashing Pumpkins and the Misfits.

10. "Ghostbusters" by Ray Parker, Jr. – This song still makes me long to have a proton pack.

Casinos, cops and hummus

2011-10-25T05:08:00.000-07:00

Fun, but uneventful shows last week, which is exactly how I like it seeing as "eventful" usually means a tale of an audience member hurling something on stage or throwing up in their seat. On Wednesday, I worked at the Firekeepers Casino in Battle Creek, Michigan. Mike Baldwin, who I think is absolutely hilarious, was the headliner.

That's me, Mike and Gary Fields, who runs the room.

It was nice to catch up with them both, since I hadn't seen Gary in a year, and the last time I saw Mike was at Laugh Detroit in March. In fact, my last memory with him was talking and shoveling hummus into our faces while the cops showed up at the after-party.

I'll let it be a mystery whether anyone got arrested and hauled off, bare-chested, television COPS-style.

But, I will say that if you're thinking of applying to the Laugh Detroit festival (plug alert!), you should. In what other cities do cops come bust up hummus-eating chatfests?

After the shows, I managed to actually pocket my money and stay the heck off the slot machines. Sorry, Firekeepers, but I'm not helping you build your new hotel...at least not this time anyway. I'm sure I'll be contributing to the chandeliers in the lobby the next time I decide to play Black Jack though.

On Saturday, I played at the Treehouse Lounge in Bloomington, Illinois. I was in for another treat with the headliner because at this show I worked with Mike Stanley. Not only is he mega-funny and super nice, but he's originally from Michigan and writes like a fiend! I always get so inspired by people who are constantly creating and trying new material.

Unfortunately, we had a pretty light crowd. But, the people who were at the show were really awesome. They laughed like crazy and even tagged jokes when appropriate. Plus, I sold two bumper stickers, which translates to selling to 25% of the crowd.

If only I could have those odds at shows where there are 3,000 people in the crowd.

Sense or Humor

2011-10-17T20:33:00.000-07:00

This weekend, I traveled to the Upper Peninsula of Michigan and Wisconsin to perform. It was quite the adventure getting up there. I purposely planned my trip so I could arrive at the hotel with a couple hours to spare before my show. Normally when I do out-of-town shows, I like to allow myself time to check out the town, go over my notes and, of course, take advantage of the hotel's free cable.

I had planned to cross the Mackinac Bridge from the lower peninsula to the upper at around 2 pm. Unfortunately, right before I was about to cross, several police officers made everyone exit the highway and told us that they were closing the bridge.

I tried to remain calm.

"How long will it be closed for?" I asked.

"Oh, at least four hours," was his response.

WHAT?!

I immediately began to have a slight heart attack as four hours meant I would cross at 6 pm, and I still had nearly four more hours of driving to reach my destination.

But, instead, I used the time to pull into a Burger King parking lot, steal their wifi and get some much needed work done (namely: checking various facebook status updates).

While in the parking lot, I heard stories being tossed around that the closure was due to a huge accident where a semi was actually hanging over the bridge.

Um, whoa.

I never found out exactly what happened, but they finally opened the bridge right before 6 pm. I then drove like a bat out of hell to the gig, and I quickly changed in a Taco Bell parking lot. Modesty be damned when the masses need to be entertained (and when I say masses, I mean 50 or so people)!

I arrived at the show (at Pasquali's in Neguanee, Michigan) with ten minutes to spare. Phew! I tried to calm my nerves and give my stomach a pep talk so she wouldn't continue to do flip-flops (thinking I was going to miss the show had me quite worked up).

The show was a lot of fun (I worked with headliner Mike Mercury, who is hilarious!), and we had a huge turn-out! After the show, I sold quite a few bumper stickers, and enjoyed some vegan pizza and beer with audience members (a big thank you to Clark, the owner, and his family for making me food and taking such good care of me).

Since I was in such a rush pre-show, I wasn't able to check into the hotel until after the show. Well, by that time, the hotel owners had gone home so I wasn't able to do so. Instead, I got to stay with Clark's parents, who were so very kind and hospitable to offer their home to me. I got to stay in the "grandkid room" (complete with stuffed animals and Dallas Cowboy sheets), which made me miss staying with my own grandmother.

On Saturday, I headed to Sheboygan Falls, Wisconsin. I had some time to kill during the day, so I did some fun, touristy things like taking a nap in the Walmart parking lot and charging my iphone in the Kwik Trip gas station. The outlet was conveniently located near the ATM. You truly haven't lived until you've spent several hours smelling the liquor on the breath of random strangers who are withdrawing money to buy more alcohol.

The show was a lot of fun. The audience was nice, and they indulged my jokes about Sweetest Day (which I only bust out once per year). Unfortunately, Mike Mercury got sick and wasn't able to do the show. But, instead, I got the chance to work with my friend, Mike Marvell. So it was nice to catch up with him.

Looksy what I found when I arrived at the gig:

That's right, I graced the cover of the Lakeshore Entertainer. The cover is kind of like the hidden pictures game in Highlights magazine, only instead of trying to spot a teacup or a ring, you have to spot what's wrong. For starters, it says sense or humor. Um...me thinks they might need to fire their proofreader(if they even have one).

There are a couple other things that crack me up, namely that being a girl with a sense of humor (er, make that sense or humor) is so rare that it's cover story worthy.

But, hey, I'm still pretty excited that I got to share top billing with a polka act. Only in Wisconsin.

Ode to my various neighbors - in haiku form

2011-10-04T18:47:00.000-07:00

Drunken college guys
Screaming on their balconies
Can't wait till they puke

TV, music, talk
I hear everything you do
Oh, I miss silence

Really loud music
I like Lady GaGa, too
Not at 1 a.m.

Bulls in china shop
is what you sound like daily
Please lose some weight now

Birthday Week Fun

2011-09-28T19:34:00.000-07:00

Like most people on this earth, I had a birthday this year. Mine was in August. The 14th, in case anyone wants to write that down for future reference (oh, and my favorite gifts = Bud Light and cash).

I had nearly a week long celebration, because, hey, why not take advantage of free food and free booze for as long as possible?

I started in Canada, and performed at Leo's Komedy Korner in Windsor, Ontario.

That's right - I'm an international comedian. World-renowned, if you will.

At the show with my friend, Mike. I promise I didn't pay him to wear that.

The following day, I performed with my good friend, Eric Kirkland, in Berrien Springs, Michigan. Sadly, we weren't able to eat at a BD's Mongolian BBQ (as is our tradition every time we work together), but we still had a lot of fun (and managed to sell quite a bit of merchandise).

On, Monday, I had the chance to attend a book-signing with The Humane Society of the United States' CEO, Wayne Pacelle. He spoke for nearly an hour, and was so inspiring! He reflected on the animal rights movement, gave information on recruiting new members and provided a guide for how to work to make legal and attitudinal changes. I can't wait to read his book.

That's me and my friend, Molly, trying not to look like groupies.

Molly again. This time she's demonstrative why I love Ann Arbor so much: you never know when you might run into a violin-playing wolf on a street corner.

After listening to the wolf man play for a little while, it was onto vegan cupcakes and slurpees. You know what time it is.

Molly and Brianna, who were in desperate need of more Alienaide (because, really, can one ever have enough frozen, sugary, mock alien blood?).

What? Don't you pose for pictures in parking garages. Anyone who's anyone does that.

Also on my birthday week? My bestie, Brent, came to visit. It was so wonderful to see him, especially at the Ann Arbor Comedy Showcase, where we both started doing comedy.

Of course, we took turns posing with Roger, who owns the club.

The night before my actual birthday, I traveled to Wisconsin to perform here:

And then celebrated with my family and main squeeze...and of course my other main squeeze, Three Buck Chuck.

Pre-intervention.

Right after Chairman Meow declared that all of these birthday shenanigans are beneath him.

My delicious vegan cake to celebrate my fifth birthday.

And there you have it, my 22nd birthday celebration. 'Twas lovely!

Abercrombie & Fitch Offers Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino Cash to Stop Wearing Their Clothing

2011-08-21T19:53:00.000-07:00

This post originally appeared on Zoiks Online.

Mike Sorrentino (better known as “The Situation” on MTV’s Jersey Shore) has been offered a “substantial” sum of cash by fashion retailer Abercrombie & Fitch to stop wearing their clothes. Earlier this week, an Abercrombie spokesperson announced, “We are deeply concerned that Mr. Sorrentino’s association with our brand could cause significant damage to our image. We have therefore offered a substantial payment to Michael ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino and the producers of MTV’s Jersey Shore to have the character wear an alternate brand…and are urgently waiting a response.”

The spokesperson went on to say that The Situation’s regular habits of creeping on chicks, avoiding grenades and getting in his GTL (as his published book Here’s the Situation is subtitled), combined with his regimen of boozing and fighting, are harming its “aspiration” brand image and “may be distressing to many of our fans.” Translation: he’s worried about The Situation acting like a douchebag, and wearing Abercrombie clothes while doing so.

However, what the spokesperson fails to realize is the type of people who actually do wear Abercrombie & Fitch - douchebags. When is the last time you saw a lawyer doing pro bono work in the courtroom sporting an A&F logo polo shirt with its collar popped? Or how often do you see a doctor engaged in saving children’s lives wearing tight, clingy pants with “Abercrombie” spelled out across her butt? But, go to any bar anywhere in the US, and I guarantee you’ll find people clad in Abercrombie gear doing one of the following: obnoxiously screaming, obnoxiously fighting, obnoxiously grinding on the dance floor and/or obnoxiously puking from drinking too many Jägerbombs.

If I were The Situation, I would take the money and gladly never wear another stitch of Abercrombie & Fitch. Not only is the brand associated with the aforementioned douchebaggery, but as Dwight A. McBride argues in his book, Why I Hate Abercrombie & Fitch: Essays on Race and Sexuality, the company has discriminatory hiring practices (In fact, they recently paid out $40 million in a class action lawsuit where they were accused of favoring white employees and discouraging people of color from even applying for jobs) and racist advertisement campaigns.

I am fully aware that the cast of the Jersey Shore might want to support douchebaggery, but they hopefully don’t want to support a racist corporation by wearing its clothing. So I say, take the money and run! After all, that “substantial” sum could probably buy a lot of hair gel and fake tanning memberships.

Gotta get up, gotta get out, gotta get down...

2011-08-06T11:19:00.000-07:00

Value World (AKA my favorite thrift store in Ann Arbor) was having a 50% off sale this weekend. So I scored a ton of great (read: horribly bubblegum) music on cassette for under a buck. I know what you're thinking: who in the world still has a cassette player? If you answered "Kate Brindle," you would be correct. You see, once upon a time, my CD player got stolen from my car, and as a future theft deterrent, I decided to install a tape player. It's worked like a charm, and it also allows me to completely indulge in my love for 80's/90's pop music.

An added bonus to toady's purchase? My boyfriend is seven years younger than I (I know, I know, cougar-schmougar), so I doubt he's heard any of these songs since he was around three when they were released. Wow, I can't wait to ~~torture him~~, ahem, I mean share this beautiful music together.

Without further ado, here's a sample of what I picked up:

How badly does this song make you want to dance on a desk?

Joey's Comedy Club

2011-08-06T11:00:00.000-07:00

Some pictures of my shows at Joey's Comedy Club in Livonia, Michigan (where I worked last week with Bryan McCree and Jeff Arcuri). Photo credit: Garri Madera. Check out his work here.

Backstage with Bryan.

Why, yes, I always color coordinate my clothes to match the stage backdrop.

Ann Arbor Art Fair

2011-07-21T19:45:00.000-07:00

I survived tabling at the Ann Arbor Art Fair in 99 degree heat (big shout outs to my cooler and Tom's of Maine deodorant)! And despite the ridiculously hot/humid weather, I had a great time.

Buttons that I helped sell at SMART's (Southeastern Michigan Animal Rights Team) booth.

My view from the VegMichigan table.

Displaying bumper stickers at the Animals and Society table.

One of the things I love about Art Fair is that you encounter so many interesting people and causes.

My favorite booth from the fair:

They also had a sign that said, "Free Bathing Suit With Every Donation," which featured a picture of a nude beach.

At one point, this mud man ran through the crowd with a camera crew in tow. Neither he nor his entourage provided any explanation whatsoever. Oh, Ann Arbor, how I love thee.

Another reason I love Ann Arbor: this new vegan lunch cart!

This is the Caesar salad I had, which was top notch.

Because, after all, what blog entry would be complete without a food pic?

Judith Butler is awesome, but apparently her fan club sucks at trivia

2011-07-21T19:42:00.000-07:00

Last week, I had the pleasure of working with headliner, LA Hardy, in Northern Michigan. My main squeeze, Drew, also came along for the un-airconditioned ride.

Our first gig was in Pentwater, Michigan. The show was on a Tuesday, and it's hard to know what to expect crowd turn-out wise on week nights. I was pleasantly surprised to see that the place was packed when we walked in! And they were a great crowd filled with loud laughers! Plus, an audience member even bought me some popcorn. You see, it’s the little things in life that make Kate Brindle happy (like talking about myself in third person).

We then performed at two casinos near Traverse City. Before the show at Turtle Creek Casino, Drew and I attempted to play trivia.

That's us (also known by our team name: the Judith Butler Fan Club) after our unfortunate defeat. Had there been questions about movie quotes, social movement theory or useless video game/NKOTB facts, we could have been a serious force to be reckoned with. But, alas, there were a lot of sports questions, so we were pretty much dead in the water.

My friend, Renee, stopped by one of the casino shows and even let me test out my hotel room cuisine on her. Whenever I cook in hotel rooms, it always reminds me of camping in that you basically get creative with ingredients and cooking appliances, and you hope no major germs get in there. Although, with some of the hotel rooms I stay in, my immune system would probably fare better if I rolled my food in dirt first.

But, this was a nice hotel room (complete with a fridge), so I didn't have to worry much. For the meal, I boiled some pasta in my handy, little, plug-in teapot, cut up some tomatoes and microwaved soy sausage (soysage, if you will) and pasta sauce. And Drew borrowed a bottle opener from the front desk, bought some Sprite from the vending machine and mixed up some wine spritzers.

I swear, I should write a blog about my hotel room concoctions/draft a how-to guide to making creative things out of free breakfast buffet items.

Our last stop of the trip was Merrillville, Indiana, where I played at Wisecrackers Comedy Club. I really love that club. Not only do I enjoy the crowds there, but I also love the hotel where it’s located (the Radisson). It not only features two pools, but it also has two hot tubs, and a really nice work-out facility. I'm currently doing the couch-to-5k program, and I sweated and grunted my way through week 5 in the fitness center.

During the day, Drew and I watched the World Series of Poker Main Event on television. The small blinds at the table were, like, 10 times what I make per year. Depressing. Oh well, perhaps I can increase my income by selling my hotel room food after the shows. Because, after all, who wouldn't want toast made with an iron?

Summer entertainment and animal cruelty

2011-07-19T08:08:00.000-07:00

Every summer, I always make big plans. I mean, big. In the months leading up to summer, I frequently repeat the mantra "this is going to be the best summer ever!" I tell myself over and over again, "I'm going to travel, I'm going to meet new people, I'm going to have life-changing experiences, it's going to be AWESOME!" Yeah, it's amazing how quickly that turns into, "I'm going to work at Starbucks, I'm going to drink beer in my parents' garage, I'm going to drive a car without air conditioning, it's going to be AWESOME!"

Not only do I love the hot weather that summer brings, but I love its myriad of entertainment choices. Sitting outside with a cold beer, listening to live music, and attending outdoor plays are like heaven to me. Plus, the fact that NKOTB hits the road every summer makes me elated!

Unfortunately, there are a lot of forms of summer "entertainment" in which animals suffer greatly. Specifically, I'm speaking of circuses and rodeos. The circus rips animals from their natural habitat, forces them to live most of their lives chained inside of trailers that are trucked across hundreds of miles, and then forces them to perform under the constant threat of punishment. Circus elephants are kept in chains for 95 percent of their lives and tigers are kept in chains 22 hours out of the day.

From a protest against the Circus Pages:

Circus Pages has failed to meet minimal federal standards for the care of animals used in exhibition as established in the Animal Welfare Act (AWA). The U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) has cited Circus Pages for failure to have records of veterinary care, provide animals with sufficient space, and provide animals with appropriate food.

The rodeo is also filled with animal abuse. Standard rodeo events include calf roping, steer wrestling, bareback horse and bull riding, saddle bronc riding, steer roping, and barrel racing. Electric prods, spurs, and bucking straps are used to irritate and enrage animals in rodeos. The flank, or “bucking,” strap or rope is tightly cinched around the animals’ abdomens, which causes them to buck vigorously to try to rid themselves of the torment. When the flank strap is paired with spurring, it causes the animals to buck even more violently, often resulting in serious injuries. Also, cows and horses are often prodded with an electrical “hotshot” while in the chute to rile them, causing intense pain to the animals.

For more information about rodeos (specifically, one that will be taking place in Michigan), you can read the letter I wrote in Between the Lines Newspaper.

Luckily, the summer presents us with a unique opportunity to fight animal cruelty. And that's by boycotting forms of "entertainment" that use animals and encouraging others to do the same. Paying money to see animals suffer is not only callous, but pointless considering there are so many other non-cruel ways to celebrate the heat.

And, hey, if you're really looking for something to do, come drink some beer with me in the garage and go for a spin in my AC-free car.

South Dakota

2011-07-08T07:56:00.000-07:00

Last weekend, I performed in South Dakota for the first time. I started off in Brookings and performed here:

Getting there was quite the adventure. After an 18 hour drive, I crossed the border into South Dakota, where I got pulled over by *two* cop cars for having an air freshener hanging from my rear-view mirror. Apparently, they take their window obstruction offenses very seriously there.

Luckily, I got away with just a warning! I think they thought I had drugs because the one officer asked me A LOT of questions about where I was headed, and he kept peering into my back window. Then, about 300 yards up the road, I saw another cop searching someone's trunk. They would have been mighty disappointed if they searched my car because all they would have found were Tupac cassette tapes and peanut chew wrappers.

The show in Brookings was fun. The crowd was sparse, but the audience members we did have were good laughers and really nice people (read: they bought me beer).

On the day after the show, I ran on South Dakota State University's campus. How much do I love running in flat areas? It's just like running on a treadmill at the gym without having to stare at the person in front of you's butt sweat.

While I was on my run, I discovered their botanical gardens. So pretty!

After Brookings, I headed down to Sioux Falls to perform at Fat Daddy's Comedy Club, which is a great little venue located downtown. The staff members at Fat Daddy's were so nice, and the audiences were really fun! I tried a bunch of new jokes and even improvised with the crowd quite a bit.

During the day, I got to check out the Sioux Falls Farmers' Market and Falls Park. I was certainly impressed by how pretty the city was, and I'm excited to go back.

Adventures in Cleveland

2011-07-06T18:18:00.000-07:00

Last week, I performed at the Funny Stop Comedy Club in Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio for the first time. I worked with headliner Bruce Haynes and MC Rodney Bengston.

On Saturday, Rodney acted as a tour guide and took me, his girlfriend, Roberta, and fellow comic John Richardson (he was performing at the Cleveland Improv) all around Cleveland. And I must say, I completely dug the city! Seeing as this little video was all I knew about Cleveland, I had no idea I'd enjoy it so much.

One first stop was a neighborhood art fair and installation art gallery.

Here are some of the rooms at the gallery:

A picture I particularly liked:

At the fair, there were belly dancers, magicians and people participating in drum circles. Also, the local college radio station was giving away free CD's, and I'm happy to report I scored some Dar Williams.

A cool shirt I saw at a vintage store:

That's Roberta with the Ramones t-shirt she scored.

Looksy what I found at another vintage store:

After the art fair, we headed to Johnny Mango, which was a cute little cafe with lots of vegan-friendly food choices.

The burrito that's now in my stomach.

Once our bellies were full, we headed to downtown Cleveland. Isn't it cute?

We then took a tour of Hilarities Comedy Club. Wow, was the showroom ever beautiful! The pictures I took of the club didn't do it much justice, but I did get this shot of one of its many chandeliers.

That's John testing out the stage.

Not only did I have a great adventure in Cleveland, but I had a blast at the club. The staff was super nice, and all of the comics (including those who showed up to do guest sets) were really funny and very welcoming to me.

I'm definitely looking forward to returning to Cleveland when I go to the Britney Spears concert at the end of this month. Yep, that's right, I'm going to see BritBrit. I might even dress up like her. Pictures will definitely be posted.

Fitz and the Tantrums Review

2011-06-23T11:07:00.000-07:00

This post originally appeared on Zoiks Online.

As lead singer Michael Fitzpatrick declared on Friday night at the Fillmore Auditorium in Detroit, Fitz and the Tantrums like to get down! This Los Angeles-based band brought an energy to the stage that few other groups are capable of, and by the end of their set, they had won over the entire audience.

Watching Fitz and the Tantrums is like viewing a funky symphony having a ball! The group, which is comprised of lead vocalists Fitz and Noelle Scaggs, drummer John Wicks, keyboardist Jeremy Ruzumna, saxophonist James King and bassist Joseph Karnes, have undeniable chemistry on stage, and their show is an interactive party where the crowd is encouraged to dance and sing along.

They opened their set with “Breakin’ the Chains of Love” and continued to wow the audience with other infectious songs like “Pickin’ Up the Pieces” and “Rich Girl.” Their cover of the Eurythmics’ “Sweet Dreams (Are Made of These)” was a huge crowd-pleaser. And they closed with their current single, “MoneyGrabber,” a funky tune that makes it impossible not to dance.

Fitz and Scaggs are both captivating performers, and they brought absolute electricity to the stage. Not to be outshone, the rest of the band kept the crowd excited, and King received enthusiastic applause for his solos. At one point during the show, Scaggs declared that she had broken her tambourine from playing it so hard. The broken tambourine seems a fitting metaphor for Fitz and the Tantrums’ live show: they play hard and perform their butts off!

For anyone looking for a fun, interactive concert that’s sure to leave you wanting more, I highly recommend seeing Fitz and the Tantrums. They’re embarking on an extensive summer tour, and their show is not to be missed!

NKOTBSB!

2011-06-20T10:37:00.000-07:00

On Thursday, I had a chance to see the New Kids on the Block again. I hadn't seen them since last year, and I was suffering from some serious withdrawals.

So, when I heard they were going on tour with Backstreet Boys, I knew I had to experience them once more.

This was pretty much my reaction all week leading up to the show:

I seriously could not contain myself!

Courtney, my BFF from the time I was eleven, joined me for the boy band madness. Of course, now that we're no longer eleven, we had to stock up on some adult beverages to enjoy in the venue parking lot (which we thoroughly did). At the liquor store, we surveyed patrons and employees about who their favorite New Kid is. In case anyone is interested in knowing, the check-out guy's was Jordan.

That's Courtney dancing to "Step by Step" in the parking lot before the show:

NKOTB fo' life!

See? Even fetuses love New Kids!

Danny Wood's motorcycle that he's raffling off for breast cancer research. If you'd like to purchase a ticket, you can do so here.

Our seats for the concert were pretty terrible, but I had ridiculous perma-grin throughout the entire show. The New Kids were great as usual (are they ever anything but?)! Unlike at previous shows, they mostly performed their older hits. And Donnie Wahlberg wore a "Fight the Power" t-shirt, which made me swoon. I was also really impressed by the Backstreet Boys. Wow, can those guys sing! They did a lot of slow songs and a cappella harmonies, and they sounded fantastic.

I left the venue feeling completely nostalgic and like I had taken up permanent residence on Cloud 9!

Oopsies and cop uniforms

2011-06-10T09:35:00.000-07:00

It's summertime in Michigan, and that means one thing! Well, it means a lot of things (e.g. trips "up north," gardening and getting a tan, with a mixture of humidity and road construction thrown in there, too), but to me, it means doing extra work. A lot of films are now produced in Michigan, and they mostly shoot during the summer. After all, who wants to film when it's -9 degrees outside (especially if the film is set in Southern California)?

I've been an extra in two films this summer. The first was called "The Five-Year Engagement," and when I showed up on set, I knew nothing about it. I had no idea who was in it or what it was about; I just knew I had to dress like I was going to an upscale breakfast.

Apparently, I don't own anything that's upscale breakfast-appropriate as the wardrobe department immediately gave me one of their outfits to wear(which was a great, little blouse and a cute, grey pencil skirt). After I changed into said outfit, one of the women from the hair department asked me to come to the hair trailer with her.

I sat down in the first chair available, and immediately the guy (who was getting his hair done as well) next to me tapped my leg. I looked up. He smiled and said, "Hey, I'm Jason."

"I'm Kate. Nice to meet you," was my reply.

The following conversation then ensued:

Jason: Nice to meet you, too. So...who are you playing today?

Me: I play a person eating breakfast in a restaurant. The food better be good because I don't plan to do much acting.

Jason: (laughs) I hope it's good, too.

Me: So...who are you playing? Are you an extra as well?

Jason: (smirks) Um, no...

Me: Oh. Who do you play?

Hairstylist: Uh, he's one of the leads. And he also wrote the movie.

Me: Ah. So...are you from Michigan then, or LA?

Jason: LA.

Me: Do you like Michigan?

Jason: I dig Ann Arbor. It's very nice.

Some more small talk, and then he exists.

Only after I left the hair trailer and looked up the film on Internet Movie Database did I realize I was just speaking to Jason Segel (from "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" fame), who apparently is very famous. And here I was, thinking he was a fellow extra.

After I told the story to several friends, they took turns teasing me for being an idiot because (as one said) "he's totally famous! Everyone knows who he is."

Everyone, apparently, but Kate Brindle.

Last week, I got the chance to play a Customs Agent in "The Citizen." Nothing particularly comical happened on set, but I did get to wear this outfit:

I'm not going to lie, wearing a badge is kinda awesome. I'm just mad that I was not supplied with handcuffs or a gun. I can only hope that next time I'll be given a weapon.

Lobbying in Lansing

2011-06-09T17:04:00.000-07:00

On Tuesday, I traveled to the capitol of Michigan (it's Lansing for all of you who didn't pay attention in fifth grade) to lobby for some animal protection bills. The Humane Society of the United States sponsors this annual event (Humane Lobby Day), and not only is it a good time to chat with legislators about animal issues, but it's also a nice opportunity to catch up with and meet fellow Michigan activists.

There's something about being in the capitol building that makes me excited. It's like I can feel change all around me. And I feel empowered and like I can make an impact when I'm surrounded by the folks who actually make the laws.

Plus, it's always great to be at an event that has bagels and Tofutti cream cheese for breakfast (not to mention vegan soy creamer for coffee).

We lobbied for Grant's Bills (SB 423 and SB 424), which is a package of two bills to end the use of gas chamber euthanasia by Michigan shelters and by Michigan Class B dealers, and Koda’s Bill, which would end pound seizure by Class B dealers in Michigan.

If you're unfamiliar with Class B dealers, I recommend watching Dealing Dogs or visiting this page for more information. What Class B dealers do to animals is particularly egregious and truly gruesome!

If you live in Michigan, and you'd like to monitor humane legislation, here are some helpful links:

The Michigan Legislature

The Michigan House of Representatives

The Michigan Senate

You can also get involved with HSUS Michigan on Facebook.

If you enjoy looking at pictures of furniture, this entry is for you!

2011-06-06T19:25:00.000-07:00

Traveling around the country is great fun, but some of the places where I stay are a bit lackluster (read: have blood stains on the carpet, cigarette burns on the blankets and random stickiness on the telephone). But, during the first week of May, I stayed at some wonderful places! So this entry is devoted to them (especially because I want to celebrate while I can as I'm sure I'll be back at the Motel 6 soon).

For my gig in Portage, Indiana, I stayed at a lovely inn that was tucked away in the woods. The name of it escapes me right now, but my room had a little deck with this view:

After Indiana, I headed to Ely, Minnesota. I had never heard of Ely before, and when I looked at the Atlas and saw a microscopic dot that represented the town, I wasn't expecting anything particularly cool. Wow, was I ever wrong! Ely is absolutely beautiful. The entire town seems really rustic and artsy, and it's surrounded by lakes and forests.

In Ely, I stayed here:

I was the only guest in the entire house, so I had the place to myself.

My home for the evening was the Indigo room, which featured (yep, you guessed it) indigo decor.

In Rothschild, Wisconsin, the comedy club where I performed, the Koo Koo's Nest, is located inside of the hotel. And the hotel just happened to have fireplaces in all of the rooms, and a water park! Hell to the yeah. I didn't get any pictures of the water park (apparently, they're worried about creeps snapping shots of people in their bathing suits, and accordingly, cameras are banned), but I did take a few of my room and the lobby.

My Big Fat Trip Out West

2011-06-02T11:47:00.000-07:00

In April, I performed in Montana, Idaho, Oregon and Nevada for the first time. My friend, Steve Sabo, and I took my trusty Honda Civic all the way to the Pacific Coast to bring the haha to the masses (and by masses, I mean seventy-four people per show).

The drives were fairly brutal (being a Midwesterner, I forgot that even though states border each other, towns within them can still be at least ten hours away from each other), but the shows were a lot of fun, and I got the chance to see a lot of famous sites that were on my bucket list.

We started with a gig in Janesville, Wisconsin, and then we had a few days to make our way to Montana. So we decided to take our time and do some touristy things.

First up: the world's only corn palace. That's right - screw the Galápagos Islands or Egypt, my dream in life is to visit a building made entirely out of corn! Okay, so that's not actually true, but when Steve and I saw that the corn palace was on our way, we figured stopping there was a must.

Look at the excitement on his face!

A view from the inside:

Aw, Steve gave birth to a corn baby.

Of course, we couldn't help ourselves, and we insisted on making way too many corny puns during the entire time we were there (for example, apologizing to the tour guide for following her too closely and "stalking" her).

After leaving the corn palace (AKA the world's largest bird feeder), we headed to Wall Drug. For years, I had seen Wall Drug bumper stickers, and I had no idea what or where it was. Well, I soon found out.

It's definitely a cheesy tourist trap, but I was most impressed that they served veggie burgers and sold JASON personal care products (a great vegan brand). Not that many stores carry JASON, and I was lucky enough to score a bottle of body wash for $2.00.

Steve and I also scored rides on a variety of inanimate objects including a barrel and a jackalope (For the record, jackalopes are not real, despite several employees trying to convince me otherwise).

After Wall Drug, we headed to Mount Rushmore. It was so foggy on the day we went! When we first arrived in the park, we saw this:

I then stopped by the bathroom, and by the time I exited, this is what we saw:

Luckily, the weather cleared up again.

I'm not super keen on celebrating men who advocated for slave-ownership, but I will say that the craftsmanship of the site is quite incredible, and I definitely recommend stopping by if you're in South Dakota.

Our first gig after leaving the Midwest was in Lewiston, Idaho at the Red Lion Hotel. I didn't take any pictures from the show, but I did get some proof that I was actually in Idaho.

Oh, and I got this picture from a bathroom right near the state border. What a classy place! Welcome to Idaho!

After Lewiston, we performed in Butte, Montana at the Mine Shaft Lounge.

And then we made our way to Billings. I must say, Montana is quite beautiful, and the shows were a blast! At the Billings show, we ended up heading to the bar with the MC, Lukas Seely, and some other local comics and audience members.

They're into big beer in Montana, which makes it my favorite state of the trip!

After our shows in Lewiston, Butte and Billings, we had the weekend off, which we decided to spend in Missoula. I had heard great things about Missoula, and I was not disappointed. It reminded me a lot of Ann Arbor in that most of the people look like they're prepared to simultaneously research their dissertation and go on a five-mile kayak ride.

We walked around downtown a bit, and decided to eat at the Old Post, which was fantastic. I was very impressed by how vegan-friendly it was, and I had a yummy hummus wrap for dinner.

The following day, Steve and I actually went hiking. And it was his idea. Can you believe it?

A view from the hike.

You can definitely tell why Montana is known as 'Big Sky Country.'

Me on our hike.

During our hike, it quickly became apparent how out of shape we are. This became glaringly obvious when we were passed on the trail by a four-year-old wearing pajamas.

After spending the weekend in Montana, we headed to Portland, Oregon, where I went to the vegan strip mall (as soon as I exited the car, I swear I could hear angels singing) and the vegan strip club (yep, there is such a thing). If you haven't been, I recommend trying both. And if you can't make it to Portland, some of the stores, like Herbivore and Food Fight, have websites. It truly is like a little slice of paradise out there.

Our drive to the Oregon coast was absolutely beautiful! Plus, the vegan rice crispy treat I purchased at Food Fight and noshed on during the drive was most delicious!

Once we got to the coast, we performed at the Mill Casino. I was surprised as we did two shows on a Wednesday (which is quite rare), but both shows were fairly full, and the audience members were great laughers! Plus, the best part was, I got a $100 tip after the first show!

After Oregon, we piled back into the car and headed for our next gig (located at Winners Casino in Winnemucca, Nevada).

Unfortunately, Winners did not live up to its name as I didn't win a cent. But, the show was fun, and we got to meet audience members with t-shirts like this:

In case you're completely dense like I was, that's red neck, white trash, blue collar. It took me a minute to fully grasp his shirt, and during the show, I just kept asking him why he was wearing a t-shirt that said "neck trash."

The drive back to the good ol' Midwest was a long one indeed. We made a brief stop in Utah to watch the UFC fights (where, sadly, my favorite vegetarian fighter, Jake Shields, lost to Georges St-Pierre) and make fun of all the Affliction-clad dudes at the bar. Steve was a total trooper and drove the entire way home, which is not easy when you're going through terrain like this:

Once we made it back to Toledo (where Steve lives), my brakes were pretty much shot, so I had to get a $400.00 brake job. The good news is, it was originally going to be around $500.00, but I sweet talked my way into a deal.

I'm so glad I had the chance to go out west, but I definitely needed, like, fifty-three naps when I returned home.

Animal Liberation Project and Food Adventures in Milwaukee

2011-05-07T16:14:00.000-07:00

Before I worked full-time as a stand-up comic, I used to be employed in the Campaigns department of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA). I used to travel extensively with PETA, and I've often missed my time with them. So I was delighted when I got the opportunity to volunteer with their Animal Liberation Project at the University of Milwaukee Wisconsin. I was excited about sharing information about animal rights with the students there, and I was also quite psyched to eat at the veg-friendly restaurants in Milwaukee.

If you're unfamiliar with the Animal Liberation Project, you can check it out here. In short, it's an exhibit that looks back at history to show how we justified the abuse of humans in the past and continue to justify cruelty to animals today.

Drew (who used to work at PETA as well) and I made the six-hour trek to Milwaukee, where we were greeted by the co-president of the University of Wisconsin Milwaukee animal rights/vegan student group, Amy. She couldn't have been sweeter and gave us both gifts and hugs upon meeting us.

For the following three days, we then staffed the display (pictured above) and talked to campus community members about the connections between human and animal oppression and suffering. We met a lot of receptive folks, and I even ran into a former PETA intern (Arizona) who I went on the road with two years ago. As I was handing out leaflets, I heard someone shouting my last name really loudly. I looked up, and it was Arizona! I was shocked seeing as she didn't go to UWM when I knew her. But, she explained that she had recently transferred there. It was a pleasant surprise to see her, and it was great to catch up!

Our uniform all week.

After a busy first day in which we acquired sunburns, Drew and I headed to Beans and Barley where we had the most delicious sweet potato/black bean burritos and some locally brewed beer.

That's Drew posing with said beer and sunburn.

The following day, the Wisconsin weather dropped at least thirty degrees and decided to start raining (grr!). Only in the Midwest can one get a sunburn one day and frostbite the next. We braved the cold and handed out leaflets as we attempted to stay warm in the frigid air. In the morning, Amy showed up with not only warm tea for us, but also vegan candy bars, scarves and hats. Could she be more awesome? I think not.

This day also marked my favorite person-on-the-street story. When you're leafleting, you never know who you're going to speak with. A lot of times people are very supportive. Sometimes they just want to take your information and not be spoken to. And other times, they want to tell you their life stories (complete with multiple quirky facts about themselves).

I certainly experienced all three during my time with the ALP. But, the story that made me crack up the most is as follows:

The ALP features pictures of humans and cows being branded to show the inherent cruelty in burning another being's skin simply to show ownership over her/him. Well, out of the blue, this woman walked up to me and flatly stated, "I was branded on my forehead. And I have a third nipple."

Uh, okay.

She then paused.

So I paused, thinking she was going to crack a smile or indicate that she was making some sort of joke.

Nope. She just stared at me until I said something. It was like we were at a stalemate, both waiting for the other to speak.

Frankly, I have no idea how to respond to someone disclosing that they not only have a branding, but a third nipple. So I simply said, "that's nice. Um, all of the literature on the table is free, so please take some if you'd like. And if you have any questions, just let me know."

She paused again, and then actually took a pamphlet.

In the evening, we warmed our bodies (and souls) by getting a fix of vegan junk food at Comet Cafe.

My yumlicious vegan meatloaf from Comet.

Arizona and Drew displaying the awesome food there.

Amy and me with more awesomeness.

And even more awesomeness.

Want even more food porn? Well, here you go.

On Friday, we said goodbye to the cold weather and moved the display inside. I think we reached even more people as folks didn't have to risk catching a cold in order to engage in conversations with us.

I left Milwaukee feeling really hopeful and inspired. The work the UWM student group does is incredible, and we talked to so many supportive people and folks who want to make changes in their lives to help animals. Plus, Amy (who plans to open a vegan bakery after graduation) filled Drew and me up with the most delightful vegan baked goods for the road. So my heart and belly definitely felt full!

God Hates Truck Stops

2011-04-11T08:47:00.000-07:00

I just got back from a quick trip to Nebraska and Kansas. Despite having been there a few times before, I had never performed comedy there.

Keith Lenart (who headlined) and I drove together, and stopped at the world's largest truck stop.

Try not to be jealous!

We also were quite shocked to find that there's actually a trucker museum. Of course, we had to go in. After a quick walk around the antique truck exhibits, I had my fill. I did get a picture of the outdoor sign though.

Our first gig was in Norfolk, Nebraska at a place called TJ's Bar and Grille. I couldn't believe how nice the crowd was. Not only did they not heckle, but they also let me play with them and try new material quite a bit. They also put up with my smack-talking about being able to kick the arcade punching machine. And they were quite cool when they realized I could back up none of said smack-talking.

After much persuading and promises of free beer, I did end up kicking it.

Look at the determination on my face! Kate Brindle don't mess around, yo!

I got a whopping score of 330 (which equals roughly half the score an average toddler gets upon kicking the machine).

The next morning we headed to Kansas, and we made a brief stop in Lawrence.

Have I mentioned how much I absolutely LOVE Lawrence? Like, seriously, I would marry it and bear its children, that's how much I dig the place. There's something about college towns that just makes me happy.

This trip to Lawrence was significantly better than my last time there, when I crashed a wedding in order to avoid a tornado. Luckily, the sun was shining during this go-round, so I didn't have to interrupt any bridal parties in order to take shelter in the basement.

We performed for the weekend at Jeremiah Bullfrog's in Topeka. It's a great little venue that looks like a theatre (complete with stage curtains). I didn't get any shots of the inside, but I did take some of us outside (and with the official frog mascot).

That's Keith and me with DJ Biz, who runs the shows.

During the day on Saturday, we enjoyed the summer-esque heat and dodged screaming children at the hotel's pool.

We also went to see one of Topeka's finest tourist attractions: the Westboro Baptist Church. If you're not familiar with them, their leader, Fred Phelps, could be the mayor of Crazy Town. He's the one who runs the website, http://www.godhatesfags.com, and goes around protesting various events that he feels support "the homosexual agenda."

I was surprised to learn that his "church" is really just his house (complete with tons of security cameras, and a giant banner), which is smack in the middle of a residential neighborhood.

I'm sure his neighbors must absolutely love him.

Keith expressing our feelings about Fred Phelps.

If you'd like more information about Phelps (and you need some laughs), check out my friend, Brent Sullivan's, one-person show (located here) about him.

Nothing terribly exciting happened on the way home, other than us discovering an amazing iPhone app called Gas Buddy, which finds you the cheapest gas in the area. Mr. Buddy worked his magic, and we were able to score it for $3.49 a gallon.

Laughs and Hummus

2011-04-06T07:54:00.000-07:00

What a full week I had! I wish I could say I'm currently catching up on sleep, but, alas, I am not. After all, I have important things like doing laundry and downloading the new NKOTB song (and dancing to it) to busy myself with.

On Saturday, my friend (and fellow comic), Mike Evitts, asked me to attend a rally to support funding for Planned Parenthood. The turn-out was quite nice, and I loaded up on feminist t-shirts, stickers and buttons. I was pleasantly surprised to see so many men there. After all, Planned Parenthood offers free and low-cost services for men as well as women. Moreover, if we're going to dismantle patriarchy and strike down laws that seek to control women's bodies and their access to healthcare, we're going to need people of all genders to do it.

After the rally, I headed over to South Haven, Michigan for a gig at the Old Harbor Inn. If you haven't been there before (I hadn't), I recommend taking a trip! It's right on Lake Michigan, and it's quite gorgeous.

This is a view from my hotel room:

This picture doesn't quite do it justice, but I was right on the water. And want to know the best part? My room was literally steps away from the performance venue. When the club owners and bartenders feed you free Long Island iced teas throughout the evening, that's a HUGE bonus.

The show was a lot of fun, and the venue was packed! I worked with Steve Bills, who I always enjoy. Not only do I appreciate his material, but his crowd work never ceases to inspire me. Plus, one of my parents' friends from college stopped by the show, and brought their old college yearbook with him. I was amazed by how much my dad looked like my brother. I can only imagine what's going to happen when my future children get their hands on my yearbook and see what a nerd-alert I was (that's right, I was on the debate team and in the science club, yo!).

On Sunday morning, I headed to the Laugh Detroit Comedy Festival. My good friend, Dave Moroz, puts the festival together, and he asked me if I would volunteer for the week. I jumped at the chance! Not only did I get to meet awesome comics from around the country (and Canada, too), but I also got my own studio hotel suite for the week (note - this beats the crap out of staying in my parents' basement).

I left the festival being exhausted, but completely inspired. It was so wonderful to meet so many new comics, and to also see all of their acts. I also took the Step Up Your Stand-Up workshop with Jeff Singer, and it was definitely the kick in the butt I needed to write more material. It's not that I dislike my material now, but I want to get more personal. More real.

I also ate more hummus than can possibly be good for one human being. You see, Garden Fresh sponsored the festival. So every night, after the shows, we would sit around, drink beer and stuff our faces with Garden Fresh hummus, guacamole and salsa. This, of course, translates to, every morning, I woke up with a tummy ache. But, oh my goodness, it was delicious! I think I need Garden Fresh to sponsor my life.

I didn't take many pictures during the festival as I was so busy. But, Kimberly, the official festival photographer, captured this one of Dave and me (sporting our supa-fly VIP passes):

Fred Phelps, free clothes and hand modeling

2011-03-24T08:58:00.000-07:00

On Tuesday, I went to a counter-demonstration against Fred Phelps and members of the Westboro Baptist "Church." They threatened to protest outside a Howell High School production of the Laramie Project, a play about the lynching of gay college student, Matthew Shepherd, in 1998 in Laramie, Wyoming.

Of course, Phelps and his crazy family members didn't show up. They're fairly notorious for sending out press releases announcing their intentions to protest, and then never actually doing so.

Instead, the counter-protest turned into a demonstration against hate and a rally of support for the students' production. It was definitely the most festive rally I've been to in a long time. Plus, I forgot how much energy high school students have! I was really impressed by their ability to "woo" and scream loudly every time a car passed by and offered a supportive honk or wave.

For more information about Fred Phelps (and a hilarious look at his life and opinions), check out Brent Sullivan performing his one-person show, Fag Life: A Conversation with Fred Phelps.

I retired to bed fairly early after the demonstration because I had an early morning call time for my commercial shoot for DTE Energy the next day. In the ad, I played a woman doing laundry who discovers that her washer is broken and has leaked suds all over the floor. It was fairly easy as all I had to do was act horrified upon discovering the leak, immediately drop my laundry basket and then try to slam the washer door shut.

I also got to do some hand modeling. In one of the scenes, there's a shot of my hands signing some paperwork to enroll in DTE coverage. I learned from one of the other actors on the set that in "the biz," hand modeling is referred to as a "hand job." He then proceeded to tell me some stories of discussing hand jobs with fellow hand models and the strange looks he used to get from passersby.

After the shoot, I mentioned to one of the women in the wardrobe department that I liked the outfit they put me in because it was so comfortable. She replied, "oh, we just got that at Value World, and we can't return it. So you can keep it if you'd like." She then said I could look through the other outfits they picked for me, and if I wanted to take them home, I could. So, by the end of the evening, I ended up with three new shirts!

All in all, it was a successful day. I got some free clothes...and I got paid for my first hand job.

Prom dresses, auditions and art gallery comedy shows

2011-03-21T20:14:00.000-07:00

Today, I went to the mall with my friend, Molly, and we did what any self-respecting women in their twenties and thirties do: we spent two hours trying on prom dresses.

Perhaps this seemed appealing because I wore what might quite possibly be the most hideous prom dress in the history of all prom-wear, and I wanted to redeem myself. Or perhaps we had a case of stress and sleep-deprivation induced giggles, and covering ourselves with feet of satin seemed like the best thing to do at the time.

After trying on a few frocks (especially the one that made me look like a Disney villain princess), I was left with a desire to go to the prom again. Or to the Oscars. I think the Oscars would be the more appropriate choice as if I even attempted to attend the prom at this point in my life, I would be stepping into some serious Mary Kay Letourneau territory.

After reluctantly putting the prom dresses back on the racks and bidding them adieu, I went to an audition for a car commercial. I think it went decently. It definitely wasn't great, but I don't think it was terrible either. The audition went by so quickly; we went in groups of two, introduced ourselves and had to say what an exciting Friday night for us entails, and then we did a short improvisation where we played a couple driving to a Friday night date.

I kind of fibbed about what an exciting Friday night entails for me. I told the casting director that I do stand-up comedy, and that I enjoy either performing or seeing stand-up shows on Fridays. That part is true.

The part I omitted is that an exciting Friday night for me usually means me blasting New Kids on the Block or rap music (think Lil Wayne) and choreographing dance routines and then performing them for myself in the mirror. Now, in retrospect, since everyone else was saying their ideal Friday nights consisted of dinner and drinks, this definitely would have made me stand out. However, revealing this detail would have officially made me the lamest person at the audition.

After the audition, I headed down to Toledo to take part in the Truth Comedy Jam, which was a benefit show for the Independent Advocates (an organization that provides court advocacy to survivors of domestic violence). The show was a lot of fun, and I got to meet two very funny (and really nice) fellow female comics (Elissa Marcus and Lucé Tomlin-Brenner). It also marked my first time performing at an art gallery, which was great because I didn't have to worry about people heckling, passing out in their seats or rushing the stage. Yay to upscale one-nighters!

That's me, Elissa, Lucé, Rachel and Rebecca (the two founders of Independent Advocates).

The only thing that would have made the show cooler was if I got to perform in my prom dress.

Protesting and puking

2011-03-20T17:49:00.000-07:00

So…I think I’m going to try something new. Usually, I only update my blog when I’ve had some interesting (well, if you count performing for drunks at one-nighters in bowling alleys as interesting) gigs and far-away road trips. But, I think I want to start writing here more, like, about day-to-day sorts of things. I know, I know, that might be really boring to you, but I’m pretty sure only about 7 people read this thing anyway, so I guess you might just have to grin and bear it.

I suppose I’ll start by talking about what I’ve been up to for the past week or two. I’ve attended more demonstrations and rallies this month than I have in a long time. You see, Kate Brindle HATES the cold the way the Duggars hate birth control. So unless I’m in a southern state, California or Hawaii, my protesting tends to dwindle a bit in January and February. I’m not opposed to going out in a blizzard for a cause I believe in, but I much prefer wearing flip-flops while holding a sign and passing out leaflets.

Once March hit, the weather started to warm up a bit (well, I’m not sure if 30 degrees counts as “warming up,” but it’s a heck of a lot hotter than 6), so I broke out my long underwear, hat and gloves, and hit the public sidewalks. Here are some shots from a protest against a donkey basketball game at Redford Union High School (we also held a protest against a game that happened in Whitmore Lake, Michigan). For more information about these cruel games (and how you can stop them), please visit: http://www.peta.org/issues/animals-in-entertainment/donkey-basketball.aspx

I also went to a rally at the state capitol building to protest against Governor Snyder’s proposed budget (in which he taxes senior citizens’ pensions to pay for a $1.5 billion tax cut for business, and also makes drastic cuts to education). Some pictures from the event:

Love protesting with my mom!

And rather than drinking green beer, I spent my St. Patrick’s Day protesting against the University of Michigan Survival Flight course’s use of live cats and pigs in cruel and deadly medical-training exercises (even though U of M already uses state-of-the-art human-patient simulators to teach the same skills in other courses for nurses and physicians). One of my former co-workers from PETA, Lauren, was in town from Virginia, and she led the demo.

After the demo, Drew and I showed her around Ann Arbor and joined her for lunch at Jazzy Veggie. She got quite the eye full as we drove through campus and showed her all of the frat and sorority houses. Being that it was St. Patrick’s Day, there were people outside the houses drinking, dancing, grinding on each other, playing sand volleyball and making out (not all at the same time). We even saw one girl almost puke on the street. And this was all before 2 in the afternoon.

I barely drank on St. Patrick’s Day, although I did have a Bud Light and a red-headed slut (the drink, not the person) at the Aut Bar before attending the Palestine Film Festival and then returning home by 10 pm. How old/lame am I?

Although, I don’t feel too bad because I’m sure all of the sand volleyball players/maker-outers were passed out by 7 pm, so I guess I beat them by 3 hours.

I had good reason to go to bed early though because I had an early call time for a commercial shoot the following day. Earlier in the week, I auditioned for and was cast in a commercial for Beaumont Hospital. The shoot was tons of fun! Everyone was super nice, craft services rocked, and the director had a great sense of humor (in fact, in between takes, we exchanged old bar jokes). And the little girl who played my daughter in the last commercial I did played my daughter in this one, too. Plus, the hair stylists made my hair look like Shelby’s from Steel Magnolias. I felt like I was going to the prom. And that was pretty awesome. I didn’t take any pictures from the set, so I suppose I’ll include a photo of Julia Roberts with said hairstyle.

I’m not sure when the commercial is set to air, but if anyone lives in Southeastern Michigan and sees it, let me know as I rarely watch tv and I’d probably have a better chance of seeing Martha Stewart in Meijer.

After my commercial shoot (and on Saturday night, too) I performed with Tim Rowlands and Dwayne Gill at Monte’s in Mt. Clemens, Michigan. It was a blast to see both of them, and the crowds were a lot of fun. On one of the nights, fellow comic and friend, Jason Benci, came to visit, and we ended up going to another bar to feather bowl.

I know what you’re probably thinking, “feather bowling? Ah, what?”

It sounds like some sort of dish birds eat out of, no? But, it’s actually a game. Think bocce ball meets curling. I have no idea what the rules are beyond that. All I know is that we were pretty terrible. But, it was nice to catch up and to meet fellow drunk people who were also attempting to play.

So that’s what I’ve been up to. I’d like to close by leaving you with a video that features my main squeeze doing a mic takeover to expose the cruelty that goes on in the University of Michigan’s animal labs. Click here to watch him in action.

Casinos and prison love

2011-03-12T11:02:00.000-08:00

I had a lovely weekend in northern Michigan (well, minus the whole snow and ice part). I performed at the Press Box in Mancelona, Michigan on Friday night. Until a few months ago, I had never heard of Mancelona (and up until the night of the show, I mistakenly kept referring to it as "Macedonia"). But, Rob, one of the owners of the Press Box, saw me do a show at Joey's Comedy Club in Livonia, Michigan, and asked me if I would come up to his small town and perform. I jumped at the chance.

Rob and his family were so hospitable! And the crowd was on fire! I had such a blast at the show. And I even got to see my name on this:

Pretty spiffy, eh?

There were several local comics who came by to do some time, and I was really impressed by them. I also got to catch up with the parents of a good friend of mine from middle and high school who came out to the show to see me. And, believe it or not, they weren't the only Dexter folks in the crowd. There was a 1972 graduate of Dexter High School in the front row. I suppose you never know when you're going to find a Dreadnaught.

Post-show, Rob and I even got to talk Noam Chomsky and conspiracy theories. I don't know that I've ever discussed these issues when so much alcohol was involved, but it was a nice conversation nonetheless.

Here's my hotel room from Mancelona. It was so rustic and cute!

And the best part? MSNBC had a late-night marathon of Lock Up. Have I mentioned what a sucker I am for a good prison love story? And let me tell you, Lock Up has prison love stories aplenty!

On Saturday night, I performed with headliner, Frank Roche, at the Odawa Casino in Petoskey. This was my second time playing there, and I had a great time! There were a couple of audience members (who we nicknamed Stripes and Flattop) who provided much ammunition and many laughs.

After the show, I was supposed to see some friends of mine (who I met in grad school). They were having a ski weekend in Gaylord, and I was going to join them as I don't get to see them much, but because the roads were so bad, I wasn't able to meet up with them. I did, however, stick around at the casino and chat about healing and meditation for a while. It felt slightly odd to discuss such issues at a smoke-filled bar, but it was also quite calming. Well, at least I think it was the discussion that was calming. It could very well have been the Bud Light.

My drive home on Sunday night was rather uneventful. The roads were pretty clear by then, which was most excellent as that allowed me to focus way more energy on belting out Enrique Iglesias (Have you heard "Tonight, I'm Lovin' You?" Holy crap, does it ever get in your head! Oh, and PS, while I was looking up lyrics for that song, I found out the true name of it. Apparently, I've been listening to the radio-edited version. Naughty, naughty!).

That's all for now. Happy Tuesday!

Performing in Florida for the first time

2011-03-06T18:20:00.000-08:00

At the end of February, I performed in Florida for the first time. My good friend, Keith Lenart, and I piled into his van and made the long 20 hour trek from Ann Arbor down to Orlando. The drive was pretty treacherous, but oh so worth it. When we finally arrived and I stepped out of the van, I found myself in the most pleasant heat.

When we checked into the hotel, this was staring at me.

Ah, what vacation would be complete without origami towels?

Our hotel was very beach/water-themed. Even the pillows were beach balls.

This is where we stayed:

And a view of the pool. Not too shabby, eh?

The 24 hour dentist that was across the street from our hotel. Good for when you get drunk and crack your teeth at 3 am.

This ride (which I was much too chicken to go on) was also across from our hotel. Perhaps next time I'll ride it...or when I have a whole slew of Xanax.

At our first show, we worked at the Orlando Jai-Alai club (pronounced like high lie). Well, allow me to clarify. We performed comedy, but it happened to be at a place that also hosted Ja-Alai games. Nobody handed us jerseys and helmets and demanded that we get out on the court.

I had never seen Jai-Alai, and when we watched it, I was a bit confused. I watched it for about a half hour, and I'm not that much more clear on the rules now, but I'm pretty sure they have something to do with whipping the ball back and forth as hard as you can. Oh yeah, and there's some sort of betting that goes on. And swearing. There was a lot of that, too.

On Sunday, per usual, we took silly pictures (no trip is complete without them).

We also had a bit more pool time.

Then we headed to Daytona Beach to stay with Keith's friend, Jo (she has a beautiful three bedroom condo right on the beach there). We happened to be in town when the Daytona 500 was also happening.

Randomly, we decided to get tickets. We figured there was no way we would have any luck as the Daytona 500 is the biggest event in all of NASCAR (it's pretty much like the fossil fuel-burning Olympics). So we drove up and down International Speedway Drive and, on a whim, approached one of the scalpers selling tickets. Keith talked him way down in price, and we eventually got tickets for $55.00 each.

Despite knowing nothing about NASCAR, I was excited to see the spectacle that is this race (I also figured it would be filled with comedy gold). We then attempted to find parking. All of the strip malls and fast food joints along International Speedway Drive were charging between $35 and $50 for a spot. So Keith decided to venture into the actual speedway.

We were stopped by a man that fit nearly every stereotype of NASCAR-lovers (thick accent, jagged teeth and a beer logo t-shirt). He informed us that all of the spots were reserved for people with disabilities, but then followed up by saying, "but, if y'all can find a spot, you're welcome to it."

So we hunted for a bit, and hot damn if we didn't actually find one!

We headed into the race, and walked around for a bit before attempting to locate our seats. We even got as close to the track as they let you, and I was nearly blown away by the noise and speed of the cars. Holy crap do they ever go fast!

I then asked a security guard where our "turn two terrace" seats were located. "They're right over on turn two" was his reply.

I pondered for a moment and then said, "Um, and that would be where now?"

He looked at me like I had just stabbed a baby. How could I possibly not know where turn two is located? I'm sure he thought I was a huge disgrace to America.

We eventually found our seats, and I was shocked by how many people cheer for the cars (it's not like the drivers can hear them over all of that engine noise). We also got to witness Dale Jr. take the lead. You would have thought it was the second coming of Christ by all of the noise that took place.

I doubt I'll ever watch it again as I don't really believe in wasting that many natural resources just for entertainment, and also because I found it kind of boring. But, it was an experience, and I did get quite a few chuckles from watching all of the drunks attempt to successfully climb stairs without falling down.

Here are some of the pictures:

We spent the rest of our days in Daytona being completely lazy. We lounged on the beach, read, went to the movies (we went to the cutest little indie theatre called Cinematique), chatted and played bored games (I would like to take this time to officially gloat over my 6-1 record at dominoes against Keith).

I also spent some time catching up with friends and family members from Michigan. Apparently, they were getting record snowfall while Keith and I were lounging in 85 degree heat. Rough life, eh?

This is the view I woke up to every morning:

And some shots from the beach:

On two of the days, Jo took us over to her friend's condo in New Smyrna Beach. It featured gorgeous views, too! But, the best part of the trips over there was drinking box wine and exchanging dirty jokes with women who could have been my grandmother. I definitely got some keepers. Plus, I laughed ridiculously hard!

Keith and me in New Smyrna:

On one of the days, we got to watch the shuttle Discovery take off for her last mission. It was pretty amazing to see! The most interesting part is that you see the rocket launch, and then, about three minutes later, you hear it launch. Sometimes I'm still blown away by some of the technology humans have. This was definitely one of those times.

After staying nearly a week with Jo (that's her with Keith), we headed back to Orlando to work at another club.

This time, we worked at an entertainment complex that was home to a bowling alley and arcade. Not only were the crowds fantastic, but we also got to play arcade games for free. Score!

That's Keith winning big (and avenging our failed audition for the actual show) on Deal or No Deal.

And then the punching bag happened. One question, Internet: who's not afraid of this?

This was after I trashed-talked to some 14-year-olds, challenged them to a punch off, and then lost. In the sarcastic words of Charlie Sheen, winning!

Keith's turn.

After our last Saturday show in Orlando, we decided to get back in the van and drive all night to Michigan. The drive wasn't nearly as painful as I thought it would be, and we passed our time listening to lefty podcasts, belting out Cheap Trick songs and rapping along to Jay-Z.

Now I can cross another state off the list. Here's to performing in all 50!

Telling jokes, winning money and watching Cheap Trick

2011-02-13T17:09:00.000-08:00

This week, I headed up to Michigan's upper peninsula for a string of shows at a few casinos. My good buddy, Keith Lenart, and I piled into his rockin' mini-van and headed up to snow country.

Our first stop was at the Kewadin Casino in St. Ignace. Here's its porch (complete with the lovely view of Lake Superior):

And the cozy fireplace I spent a bit of time in front of:

The cool roof that my camera didn't do any justice:

After a small, yet fun show in St. Ignace, we headed to Sault Ste. Marie, where we performed for a packed house.

Here's Keith on stage:

Eighty-three cents (and bragging rights) goes to the person who can correctly identify the UFC fighter in the background.

The Sault Ste. Marie casino had a fireplace as well (and fake trees!):

And a waterfall:

Right before Keith got busted for riding his snow mobile indoors.

Before the show, I decided to take advance of my "free play" (No, that's not a hook-up you don't have to pay for, it's the amount of money you get to play on the slots after signing up for a player's club card at a casino), and I won a whole dollar fifty! Try not to get jealous.

After thoroughly gorging ourselves at the buffet, ordering a vegan pizza (Yay for free food!) and taking hours to contemplate how to spend my winnings, we headed to yet another casino.

At this one, as soon as we arrived, I made a beeline to the player's club area, cashed in my free play and sat down at a slot machine. And guess what happened?

I won!!!

That's what mama's talkin' about!

I actually won about $103.00 when all was said and done. Yee-haw!

That's headliner, Jack Willhite, Scott from Rock 101 and me after the show (which was a blast!).

After the show, I went to bed so I could wake up early to drive to Milwaukee. Keith was a trooper and drove us in these ick-tastic conditions:

In Milwaukee, we played at the Potawatomi Casino. And guess who else did?

Cheap Trick!

In between shows, Steve, the super awesome Entertainment Director, sneaked Keith and me into the third row.

I didn't enter the room a big Cheap Trick fan, but I definitely left as one. They rocked it out! I was really impressed how well they could still sing and jump around (especially since they can do things at 60 that I couldn't even do at 20).

And Keith even got a pick that Rick Nielsen threw into the crowd:

I'm back in the good ol' mitten now, and I can't wait to go to Florida at the end of this week!

Snowbanks and Beaches

2011-02-06T16:34:00.000-08:00

I was a pretty craptastic blogger in January. This is mostly due to the fact that I had a cold that could have killed a small wildebeest. Okay, in reality, I don't know if wildebeests are actually susceptible to human colds, but what I'm trying to say is that I was fairly crippled with sickness. I pretty much did nothing but tell jokes, hibernate in my bed and blow my nose. So yeah, that's why this blog was severely neglected.

But, alas, I feel better and I'm back!

I spent the first weekend in February performing at Mark Ridley's Comedy Castle. I worked with Alec Sobel and Michael Malone, who are both hilarious! And despite the blizzard on Saturday, we still had incredible crowd turn-out. Way to go, Royal Oak!

Saturday was a bit of an adventure for my old girl, the 2002 Honda Civic, and me. On my way to the club (I live about 45 minutes away), the average speed on the freeway was 20 miles an hour. So I was running late and worried about getting to the club on time. Then, as I neared Alec's hotel (he's from New Jersey, so I was giving him a ride), my gas light went on. Drat!

So I rushed to pick him up, sped off before he even had the door closed and quickly threw ten bucks of gas in my car. Well, I didn't throw it in, but it was probably the fastest I'd ever pumped gas in my life.

We finally made it to the club with fifteen minutes before showtime. Well, since I'm cheap, I decided to hunt for a free parking place. Um, bad idea.

I turned down Fifth Street and eyed an empty spot that was somewhat close to the club. Score! So I pulled into a driveway to attempt to turn around in order to parallel park into my dream spot (spots this close are never open when there's no snow on the ground). Big mistake.

As soon as I attempted to back up, my old girl wasn't having it. I gave her some gas, but she simply spun her wheels without any movement. Oh no!

I got out of the car and saw what I feared: she was completely stuck in a snowbank.

And the show was set to start in fifteen minutes.

CUH-rap!

Alec hopped out and began pushing the hood as I gave her more gas. Still no movement.

After a few minutes, one of the guys who lived in the house nearby saw us struggling and came over to help push. Still no movement.

He volunteered that he had a shovel, and he ran to go get it. I pleaded with him to hurry as the show was now set to start in ten minutes. He came back and began digging like a madman as Alec and I joined the effort with our feet and hands.

After we made a dent in the snow, I got back in my car and tried to back up again. Still nothing.

At this point, I was really freaking out. Mr. Neighbor volunteered to get his buddy who apparently had some sort of jumper cables or rope or something to dig cars out (I know nothing about cars and barely know how to ask for an oil change when I go to Jiffy Lube, so I have no idea what this device was actually called).

By the time Mr. Neighbor #2 got out there, it was five minutes until showtime. I asked what would happen if I just left my car there, hanging into the middle of the street. They immediately replied I would get a $50 ticket.

So I gave the keys to Alec, asked him to wait with the car for another ten minutes (while I was on stage), and if nothing was happening and it was still stuck, to just leave it there. I then ran like the wind. Through the snow. I'm sure it was a pitiful sight. I was out of breath, slipping and sliding with nearly every step.

But, I made it, with about a minute to spare! Kevin, one of the managers at the Castle, gave me a bit of time to compose myself. So I applied some mascara, took a deep breath, looked over my set list and then performed for the nearly 300 people in the crowd.

Luckily, after I left, Alec and the two guys were able to drag my car out of the snowbank within a few minutes.

Despite Saturday getting off to a rough start, the shows were lots o' fun! After the last show, we were all invited to a beach party. I know, I know, beach party in Michigan in the middle of February? Well, it wasn't on an actual beach. It was at someone's house (a friend of Jason Benci's, who did a guest set on Saturday and stopped by to hang out at the club), and the heat was cranked way up as to accommodate the people dressed in board shorts and tank tops. The party was nice, although I wore my regular clothes as I didn't have a string bikini stashed in my trunk. So I suppose I dressed the way someone who is really terrified of getting a sunburn would.

Overall, it was a really fun weekend! And Alec even taught me how to do the worm. Right now, mine looks more like the snail, but I'm getting there.

Onto the pictures:

With Alec and Michael.

Jason and Michael.

Us with Mike Moore, the host of the beach party.

Jason Benci modeling his beach party attire and demonstrating why he's called the Thrillbilly.

Happy New Year to me!

2011-01-07T08:53:00.000-08:00

Today, I received the best facebook message I've gotten all year. Imagine my delight when I woke up to this gem in my inbox:

He seriously read my mind as I, too, am looking to base marriage solely on my admiration of a complete stranger's 600 by 800 pixel photo. We're so compatible!

Big ol' post about December

2011-01-02T12:01:00.000-08:00

Since I'm quite behind on my blog, I think I might just do a recap of the month of December and make a new year's resolution to update more in 2011. Sound like a plan? Good. Done.

Lots of adventures last month! I performed for the first time at Carlin's Comedy Club in Waterford, Michigan. We had fun shows, although there were way too many people in the audience who were wearing reindeer antlers (Leave them at home, folks!). But, they laughed a lot, so I quickly forgave them for their poor choice in head wear.

That's me with the owner, Duane, and fellow comics Michael McDaniel and Chris Hegedus.

After Saturday's show, I slept for two hours, and then boarded a plane to visit my good friend, David, in Seattle. David and I worked together at PETA, and we also left around the same time. I had been promising him that I would come visit, and after a year, I made good on my promise.

My flights there (Detroit to Denver, and Denver to Seattle) were an absolute dream! I had my own row on both of them, and I slept most of the trip. In fact, I was so relaxed that I didn't even really pay attention to the fact that the Detroit runway was pretty much iced-over. Hey, if you're going to skid to your death in a plane crash, it's nice to know that you have two armrests of your very own to grip while screaming.

David lives in an adorable area of Seattle called Capitol Hill. It's artsy and hip, and there are vegan restaurants (and bars, too!) a plenty. Sadly, I didn't take many pictures other than shots of said restaurants and the food I consumed.

That's Plum, the fancy schmancy vegan place. I had some sort of quinoa nacho concoction that left me salivating for more.

That's the dish I had at In the Bowl, which is a vegan Thai restaurant.

And that's a shot from their lovely bathroom that has, get this, nature sound effects. It truly made me feel like I was peeing in a tropical rain forest. How delightful.

It rained most of the time I was there (surprise, surprise), but we did manage to see a lot of the city in the car. I even took this shot (in a park called Gas Works) in between downpours.

On the day I flew home, David's friend, James, graciously offered to drive me to the airport. And she even took me for vegan donuts from Mighty-O. Fantastic!

I had a blast in Seattle! I loved the vibe of the city, and it was so great to hang out with David and James (and James's adorable puppy, Grace). I left with a smile on my face, and most likely five pounds in my belly. Next time, I vow to take more non-food pictures.

As soon as I got home from Seattle, I took off to work at Stitches Comedy Club in Lancaster, Pennsylvania. I worked with Chris Coccia (who I met when we worked together in the Outer Banks and he kindly offered to pull a splinter out of my foot) and David James. I absolutely loved the shows, not just because the crowds were fun, but because Chris and David are both so funny. I could learn so much from them!

If you haven't been to Lancaster before, it's in the heart of Amish country. Of course, I had to get a picture of this:

Tours by auto? Um, isn't that just a smidge disrespectful considering the Amish don't really believe in electricity and all? Isn't that kind of like touring the Duggar home in a condom-mobile? On second thought, please somebody, anybody, tour their home in a condom-mobile! And go visit the folks over at Teen Mom while you're at it!

My hotel was located in between a few outlet malls. And let me just say, if there is a hell, it would include outlet malls at Christmas time. But, I braved them and got some nice deals. And I managed not to assault anyone. So score on all fronts!

I then swung down to Virginia for a quick visit with the Pie Master.

P.S. That's fruit of the forest pie, not blood and skin falling off of his face (Although how cool would it be if it was the latter due to a really intense MMA fight?).

While in Norfolk, these happened (food porn alert!):

In retrospect, we probably should have frosted them to actually look like Christmasy things as opposed to creamy blobs, but I got a little lazy and figured that one can never go wrong with white frosting and sprinkles. Right?

After I returned to Michigan, I got to see another buddy of mine from PETA. This time, it was Nia! She and I met while she was interning in Virginia, and she came all the way from the UK to visit me for a week.

This is her posing with what might possibly be the coolest Christmas tree ever:

While she was here, I did a show at the Ann Arbor Comedy Showcase.

That's us along with Geoff Tate, Tim Rowlands, Russell Rabb, Mike Evitts and Andy Beningo.

After the show, we headed over to the Arena for some beer and karaoke, where Mike and I did a rendition of Tori Amos's "Crucify." I'm pretty sure we and a table full of lesbians were the only people who appreciated it, but we had fun.

Perhaps, next time, we'll try our hand at "Precious Things."

Nia and I also hit up the Detroit Historical Museum, and ate at this amazing new restaurant.

Here's what we put in our bellies: a raw, mock tuna sandwich and lasagna made from zucchini. Delicious!

On New Year's Eve, I performed at the Holly Hotel (and drank too many post-show shots of the kind of nameless, crappy liquor that makes Apple Pucker seem classy).

That's me with fellow comics Dean Mink and Steve Lind.

Nia, Diana, me and Steve.

On most of the days that Nia was in town, we hit up various movie theatres. We both love going to the cinema, and we saw the following films while she was here: The King's Speech, Female Trouble, Black Swan, The Tourist and The Fighter.

Fellow comic, John Burton, joined us at the State Theatre for The Fighter, and not only did we see a great film, but we also rushed the stage after the film. Of course, silly pictures ensued.

Here's a sample of some of them:

December was a bit of a blur because it was so busy. But, I had great fun, and I was surrounded by a lot of wonderful people! Here's to 2011 bringing the same amount of adventure and joy!

Christmas Music

2010-12-23T20:25:00.000-08:00

With trips to the west coast, east coast and south (all in the past week), I've spent A LOT of time in my car this December. Okay, granted, my trip to the west coast was in an airplane, but still, I've logged a lot of miles (which roughly translates to: I've had a lot of time to listen to the radio).

Pretty much the only music available on the radio right now is Katy Perry and Christmas songs. Because I find listening to all 99 verses of "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" more enjoyable than listening to one verse of any Katy Perry song, I found myself listening to a lot of holiday tunes.

And I thought to myself, "Self, why not compile a list of all of your favorites?" Perfect idea! So, without further adieu, here they are:

1. Any track from the New Kids on the Block "Merry Merry Christmas" album for obvious reasons.
2. "Last Christmas" by Wham! It's catchy and fun, and I dare you not to sing along when it comes on the radio.
3. "O Holy Night" by any artist. I love this song so much that I don't care who sings it...well, except for Katy Perry.
4. "Happy Christmas" by John Lennon (Melissa Etheridge and Sarah McLachlan do nice versions as well). "War is over, if you want it." A pretty simple concept, but so very true.
5. "Carol of the Bells" by any artist (although I have a soft-spot for piano renditions). Despite these lyrics being nearly impossible to understand/remember (20 bucks to anyone who can sing them all without looking them up), I still enjoy the challenge of being able to sing along.
6. "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen/We Three Kings" by Barenaked Ladies and Sarah McLachlan. No Christmas song ever made me want to harmonize and pick up an acoustic guitar as much as this one!
7. "All Alone on Christmas" by Darlene Love. I don't care where this song comes on, I belt it out like it's my job. Yes, I've been kicked out of some Targets before.
8. "Please Come Home for Christmas" by Jon Bon Jovi. I'm not such a huge fan of the song, but the video is all sorts of hot, so it makes the list for that reason alone.
9. "Christmas in Hollis" by Run D.M.C. Not only does this song take me back to my youth and make me want to dance, but its lyrics also contain a message ("never steal from Santa, 'cause that ain't right").
10. "The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late)" by Alvin & the Chipmunks. Another 20 bucks to anyone who can listen to this without raising their voice an octave and singing along. This song also has a bonus: it's super annoying when played loudly (and on repeat), so it makes a great 'gift' for anyone on your naughty list.

This text conversation just happened

2010-12-23T05:26:00.000-08:00

I was awakened to a text from an unknown, Ohio number at 7:38 am this morning. The following conversation then ensued:

Random 513 area code number that I don't recognize: You're a dork. Lol. Hope you're doing well. Have a good holiday!

Me: I'm a dork who got a new phone, so unfortunately I don't have your number programmed in. At the risk of sounding rude, who is this?

Random 513 area code number that I don't recognize: Ha. Aw, it's your sexy friend from Cincinnati. :) Remember the hot drunken sex? Lol.

Me: Um...I don't think I've ever been to Cincinnati.

Random 513 area code number that I don't recognize: Ha. Nope. I was there. We had buckets of beer. Come on! You forgot? Lol. Now that's rude. Ha!

Me: I'm really drawing a blank. I'm sorry.

Random 513 area code number that I don't recognize: Forget it then.

Me: Uh, okay.

Random 513 area code number that I don't recognize: Man whore.

Me: I am or you are?

Random 513 area code number that I don't recognize: You are. Since you can't remember! Ha!

Me: But I'm not even a man! Are you sure you have the right person?

Random 513 area code number that I don't recognize: Hm. Maybe not. Lol. Nevermind! Sorry.

Me: Not a problem. Happy holidays to you!

Just a little bit of advice, folks: if you're going to wish someone happy holidays, perhaps you should give them the ultimate holiday gift of sleeping in and forgo texting them before 8:00 am. Also, you might want to be a little more diligent when it comes to writing down the numbers of folks you're shared beer and sexy time with. One other tip: stop with the LOL usage already. Number one, it's annoying. Number two, I have a hard time believing someone would actually be laughing out loud as their hook-up partner fails to remember who they are.

Beards, Jacuzzis and Christmas decorations

2010-12-07T20:14:00.000-08:00

Last week, I had a Midwestern extravaganza in Wisconsin, Minnesota and Iowa. And by 'extravaganza,' I mean, I slept a lot and ate at some rest areas. I kid, I kid. It was actually a lot more fun than that.

I went with Steve Sabo, who was headlining at the clubs we worked. Not only is Steve the headliner, but he's also my friend...and my opponent on an upcoming main card, pay-per-view special (see picture below).

We started off in Wisconsin where we worked at Fanny Hill in Eau Claire. Fanny Hill is a dinner theatre/restaurant/bed and breakfast, and it is definitely one of the coolest places I've stayed. The staff was absolutely wonderful, and the food was delicious, too. The place was decorated for the holidays, and they even played New Kids on the Block's version of "White Christmas" over the loud speaker.

But that's not even the best part! The absolute best was the fact that we both got whirlpools and fireplaces in our hotel rooms. If I'm ever famous, both of those items will definitely be in my rider (along with my dressing room needing to be stocked with both dark chocolate peanut chews and Joey McIntyre).

The show was fun, and we stayed after for a bit to talk to some audience members. I then retired to my hotel room and took a very relaxing soak in the jacuzzi. After I exited the tub, I decided that I might want to take a bath in there in the morning as well. So I made the brilliant decision to keep the water in there, as not to waste it. Do you think the fact that the water would be cold 12 hours later dawned on me? If your answer was, "no," you would be correct.

So, the next morning, after waking up, and sadly draining the tub, we drove to Rochester, Minnesota. We didn't have a show at night, so instead, we occupied our time by eating sushi and giving me a beard with Steve's spray-on hair. I mean, really, what else is there to do at a Motel 6? After taking several pictures, I decided that I don't think a beard really becomes me, and I'm still finding spray-on fibers in my ears since Steve got a little overzealous with the fake hair.

On Friday, we headed down to Cedar Falls, Iowa to perform for two nights at Jokers Comedy Club. Our first stop was KCRR FM in Waterloo, Iowa. We were on the air with the DJ, Corey, for about half an hour to promote the show, and it was so much fun! Corey was really nice, and I got to talk about Michigan (read: make fun of my hometown) and he even asked me some questions about my days working for PETA (read: wanted details about me getting naked on the street corner for a living).

The shows were a blast, too! And after Saturday's show, I got to experience the largest burrito I've ever had in my life when Steve's friends took us to Pablo's Mexican Grill.

So without further adieu, I give you the pictures:

The fantabulous amenities in my Eau Claire hotel room.

Some other pictures from the hotel:

Stealing a drink from a stuffed animal? Truly heartless.

Right before the bear pinched my butt.

The signs backstage.

Steve on stage.

Steve "Sabotage" Sabo vs. Kate "Fluffy" Brindle (AKA what promises to be the MMA pay-per-view event of the century!)

A giant 'Caffeinated Voice of Reason' about to pounce on the Christmas village.

The name of my room.

The morning view from the deck outside of my room.

The outside of Fanny Hill.

Not sure if you can see him, but Santa was driving that car. I had no idea he had a license, which might be why he ended up on the grass.

Motel 6 has room service, which I think is a bit premature. Perhaps they should have added carpet, hair dryers and blankets without blood stains to their list of amenities first.

This is what happens when you stay at a Motel 6 in middle-of-no-where, Minnesota, and your friend just happens to have some extra spray-on hair.

The artist and his spray-on hair masterpiece.

My impression of Jesus.

Vegan Japanese pan-seared noodles in Rochester, Minnesota. Yummers!

Where I stayed in Cedar Falls, Iowa. Not only are the rooms adorable, but they have a massage chair (that officially became my best friend for the weekend).

My hotel room. This picture doesn't do it justice, but it was really nice (and relaxing, too)!

My bathroom (complete with old-fashioned tub).

Cutest hotel check-in gift ever!

My late-night burrito at Pablo's in Cedar Falls, Iowa weighed in at a whopping two pounds!

Thanksgiving

2010-11-24T11:17:00.000-08:00

While I hope everyone is having a nice Thanksgiving and spending time with their families (or chosen families), I also think it's important to consider the realities of this holiday. We go around laughing and saying, "gobble, gobble." We discuss cooking techniques to get the perfect texture. We take pictures of the finished "product" (not that I am above this). But, I think we forget about how the turkeys actually got to our plates. We don't see the suffering. Instead, we sit around, listing what we are thankful for, often forgetting that they lived a life of torture. They spent their entire lives suffering so our taste buds could feel good for five minutes.

I think we must remember them today. And we must remember that our choices have ramifications.

The following account is quite graphic, but I believe it must be shared:

Broiler turkeys are usually slaughtered between 12 to 27 weeks, depending on their size. They spend the last few weeks of their lives in dim artificial lighting (sometimes pitch black to prepare them in case there is a power cut). They become distressed and there is no doubt that they are in pain. The more they grow, the worse the conditions become. They can very rarely support their own weight. The turkeys will compete for food and water as there are so many birds, it is usually hard to reach. The ones who are too crippled to move die, either of starvation, dehydration, being trampled or pecked to death.

A pole barn is similar to a broiler shed, although one side is netted allowing natural light and ventilation in. Pole barn turkeys have slightly more space to themselves. However, the natural lighting and cramped conditions causes aggression between the birds and sometimes cannibalism resulting in the turkeys having their sensitive beaks cut which causes trauma and stress. Pole barn turkeys are exposed to all weather conditions, be it blistering cold or intense heat; they can't get away.

When the birds are ready for slaughter, they are thrown into crates and loaded onto trucks; skin grazing and broken blood vessels are a common occurrence in this part of the process. The lorries are then driven through all weathers, sometimes considerable distances in the blistering cold or sweltering heat.

Once there, the turkeys are placed upside down and clipped into shackles on a conveyor belt. The law states that they can remain upside for up to 6 minutes. The turkeys can weigh between 12 and 60lbs, and hanging upside down must cause considerable amount of pain, especially to the birds who have dislocated or even broken bones.

The turkeys heads are dragged through water with an electrical charge running through it, this supposedly stuns them, that is, if the turkey doesn't move her/his head like s/he does in so many cases. It has also been reported that in several cases, the turkeys wings will drag in the water first. Smaller slaughterhouses use a handheld stunner. These stunners are smaller so are unlikely to cause a cardiac arrest, meaning the turkeys may be fully conscious when they have their throats cut. The conveyor belt continues its journey taking the birds toward the automatic neck cutting machine. The turkeys who are still conscious will once again move their heads as a natural reaction for something coming toward it.

Next they are taken to the scalding tank where they are plunged into water so hot it loosens the feathers ready for plucking. 35,000 turkeys enter the scalding tank alive and fully conscious every year. The turkeys are then plucked, unrequired bits hacked off, packaged and distributed to your local supermarket.

Pretty gruesome, eh? I know it’s easy to forget about what really goes into the food on your plate, but I think it’s especially important to remember today. I hope we can all be thankful for compassion and practice it ourselves by having a cruelty-free holiday.

If you would like to see more, I urge you to watch this video:

Thoughts on the NKOTBSB AMAs performance (holy crap, that's a lot o' letters!)

2010-11-22T13:00:00.000-08:00

This past Sunday may have been one of the happiest moments of 1990’s boy band fans’ lives. At least it was for me, Kate Brindle. If you missed it, NKOTB teamed up with Backstreet Boys for a medley performance of all of their greatest hits on the American Music Awards. The performance was also presumably to hype their upcoming joint tour in 2011. The guys closed the show, and their show (complete with pyrotechnics) left the crowd (well, at least those who were 12 years ago circa 1990) screaming!

Seeing as I adore anything New Kids related, I, of course, loved their act. However, I do have some thoughts about the performance (which I will now list in numerical fashion):

1. I was surprised that Nick Carter looked so good. It’s amazing what sobriety and breaking up with Paris Hilton will do for your looks.

2. AJ McLean, on the other hand, not so much. Someone needs to clue him in that eye-liner does not make you look younger; it makes you look like an over-the-hill emo kid with a receding hairline.

3. Could Jon Knight have had any less camera time? I know he doesn’t really sing much, but my God, he is still in the group.

4. Kevin Richardson needs to come back to the Backstreet Boys! Who gives a rat’s patoot that he couldn’t sing? Have you seen those eyebrows? He is denying fans another chance to stare at them, and that‘s just not fair. Plus, Jon, his NKOTB counterpart, will presumably be lonely and need someone to talk to while on tour…or at the very least somebody to take Xanax with.

5. A+ to Joey McIntyre for having the evening’s coolest boots. Now if he could just figure out how to dance in them without running into Jordan’s microphone stand.

6. Note to the camera operators: next time, lay-off on the audience cutaways. I didn’t need to see a bunch of random people with no rhythm head-bopping out of sync with the music. I want to see my boys!

7. Jordan Knight was and always will be sheer perfection.

8. Donnie Wahlberg should have been given more time to rap. The American Music Awards clearly did a disservice to the American public by not demanding that Donnie at least say, “positivity is not about being soft, it’s about being smart” (or, seeing as he has a Boston accent, “smaht”).

9. I am so much more forgiving of off-key voices if they come from singers with nice smiles and great highlights.

10. With NKOTB and BSB hitting the road together next year, 2011 is clearly going to be the best year of my life!

Thoughts on Election Day, voting and activism

2010-11-01T18:03:00.000-07:00

So tomorrow is Election Day in the United States, and I have some thoughts (as indicated by the title of this post). And, seeing as this is my blog, I figured I would post them here.

First, I, for one, am happy that this day has come so I don’t have to listen to all of the smear advertisements that now plague the television. I’m all for spreading your message if you’re a political candidate (provided the information you disseminate is true and your ads haven’t been paid for by corporate interests), but the amount of propaganda out there is disheartening. Some of the commercials I’ve seen are so nasty that I swear they might as well just say, “The other candidate forces old men to kill puppies" or "My opponent hates his mother." I think the public loses when ads use rhetoric like that because instead of saying what the person running will do, they just focus on what her/his opponent has allegedly done wrong. This does not make for informed voters who actually know where candidates stand.

That being said, I hope people take the time to research the candidates (and issues they stand for) and vote tomorrow. Lord knows I’ve gotten enough postings on my facebook wall to remind me to vote. And as annoying as these posts can be, it’s important to remember that elections have consequences. The people we elect and ballot measures we pass will directly affect our lives for months and years in the future.

It’s also important to note that many candidates and ballot measures that have the most impact on people’s lives often get the least amount of attention. For instance, in Michigan, our Supreme Court is elected, yet, I have not seen many advertisements or information about the judges who are running. While these justices are supposed to be impartial, they run on party platforms and often bring their political biases and values with them when rendering decisions. Currently, the conservative judges on Michigan’s Supreme Court have a 4-3 majority. These people are the same justices who used their power to strip basic healthcare coverage from same-sex partners (and children) of public employees (including workers at public schools and government offices). Tomorrow, Michigan residents have the opportunity to change this; we have the chance to vote for Supreme Court justices who believe in fairness and equality for all. While I agree that it’s important to vote in ‘bigger’ elections (like for the office of the president), we should pay attention to who and what we’re voting for in ‘smaller’ elections as well.

Ballot measures are another example of policies that can have huge consequences. Colorado currently has an initiative on the ballot that would grant constitutional personhood to fetuses (which would clearly have legal ramifications on women’s reproductive freedom). And several other states (including one I used to live in, Arizona) have ballot measures that oppose the Employee Free Choice Act (the bill that would essentially establish a better, easier, more efficient system for employees to join unions and have employers recognize them). These ballot initiatives directly affect people’s everyday lives, and it’s so important to thoroughly research each measure and make informed decisions when we vote on them.

Also, I think we must recognize that voting is not enough. If we want to bring about true social change, we cannot let our action stop at the ballot box. We must hold our politicians accountable. This means we should be regularly calling, emailing and visiting them. It’s so easy to phone our local representatives, schedule appointments with them and discuss the issues that are important to us.

Additionally, we must be advocates and activists in systems beyond the government. I think the reason people are so frustrated with government is because it can never solve all of our problems (no matter how near-perfect it is). We must create justice and peace in our own communities. If we don’t like something, we have the power to change it. So let’s use the time we spent reminding folks to vote on facebook to write letters to the editors of our local newspapers or call the CEOs of companies whose policies we don’t agree with.

Lastly, when we do vote, it’s imperative that we don’t just vote for our own self-interests, but, instead, for the interests of all. Let’s vote and advocate for the common good, and let’s commit to working for change on November 2nd…and for years to come.

My trip to Guatemala - Day 24

2010-10-30T21:50:00.000-07:00

October 5, 2010

After spending nearly a month in Guatemala, I flew back to the United States today. I could write about my flight home, how after all of my painstaking cramming and packing, I was told my carry-on was too big, and I would need to check it after all (and pay the $35 checked-bag fee). Or I could talk about not being allowed to take water into the gate area and being thirsty during the entire flight home.

But, those are trivial details. Instead, I'd like to write about what I learned during my trip.

When I first booked my flight, I told my friends and family (and even some drunk strangers after shows) that I was going to Guatemala alone. Most of them immediately asked me why.

"Why not?" was usually my reply.

I then told them how I wanted to practice Spanish, and how I wanted to see another country. I might have even provided more reasons, but really, the answer always boiled down to my original one of why not.

We hear the phrase "life is for living," and I suppose it means different things to different folks. To me, it means taking advantage of every opportunity there is to expand your knowledge and worldview, and to grow as a person (provided these opportunities don't oppress or harm others, of course). Henry David Thoreau once described it as "sucking out all the marrow of life."

Traveling has always been that for me; it's been my way to suck the marrow from life's bones. Travel gives me an excitement like few things do, and it always teaches me something. Even my trips to middle-of-no-where North Dakota have given me some insight (specifically, that the Wal-Mart parking lot is one happening spot, and Taco Bell is about the only place open after 11 pm).

I admit that after I booked the ticket to Guatemala City, I was a bit frightened. The thought of going, by myself, to a place where a language other than my own is spoken was somewhat scary. But, I decided a long time ago that I would never let fear dictate my actions. So I diligently began researching, planning and preparing for my adventure.

I had no expectations when I arrived in Guatemala. And I was pleasantly surprised by how much Spanish I learned in three weeks, and how welcoming nearly everyone I came across was. I was also greatly inspired by all of the incredible work my classmates and new friends were doing (and continue to do).

I've found that when I usually "click" with people, it's on one of two levels: either they're activists or they're stand-up comedians. Okay, make that three as I usually connect with fellow Blockheads (people who love the New Kids on the Block as much as I do). I think the reason for these quick connections is because we immediately have something in common.

But, in Guatemala, I clicked with people on another level: our common sense of adventure. I met people who are students of the world, who travel the globe and explore their passions while making new friends and learning new languages. I've never wanted my life to follow the "beaten path," and it was incredible to meet a whole slew of other folks who are blazing their own trails.

I did so much reflecting while I was there, and I learned a lot about myself. Most of these revelations are somewhat personal and self-indulgent, so I'll omit them from this post. But, I will say that this trip renewed my faith in my own ability to be self-reliant. It also made me realize that I can do nearly anything by myself. In my former relationship (the one I was in for six years), we did an extensive amount of traveling together. And when we broke up, I found the thought of traveling alone scary and sad. But, this trip changed that. I don't need to wait for anyone to be able to go the places I want to go, and to see the parts of the world that I'd like to view.

As I boarded my plane back home, I definitely had mixed feelings about leaving. Part of me wanted to stay in Guatemala for months and live a casual life of sunning and learning. But, seeing as I wasn't able to work for the month I was in Antigua, my wallet had other plans for me. So I vowed to stay in touch with my teacher and new friends. And I sincerely plan to do that.

I also made a promise that I would go on another similar adventure very soon. And I sincerely plan to do that as well.

I'll close with a picture of one of the most famous sites in Antigua. Until next time...

To view more pictures of my trip, go check out my album on facebook.

My trip to Guatemala - Day 23

2010-10-30T21:45:00.000-07:00

October 4, 2010

Today was my last full day in Guatemala. Since I didn't have class, I had a lazy morning. I woke up, ate breakfast and took my last moments on the roof. I sat in the sun for a while, letting the rays warm my face.

After a while, my housemate, Nery, joined me and challenged me to a game of Speed. No, he didn't invite me to do drugs with him; Speed is a card game. Even though he beat me mercilessly, it was quite fun. If you haven't played before, it's rather easy to learn, and you can read the rules on Wikipedia.

In the afternoon, I completed the daunting task of stuffing a month's worth of clothes into a carry-on suitcase. I don't advise doing that, my friends, and frankly, listing the first 500 numbers of pi would have been easier and more fun. But, to quote Larry the Cable Guy, I got-r-done, and now, I just need to pack my shampoo and other bathroom items.

At night, I headed to Monoloco, where my friends here hosted a little going away party for me. It's amazing how quickly I've gotten to know my roommates and other people here. It feels like I've known them for much longer than a month. I was really touched that everyone came out to drink beer (read: get crunk) on my behalf.

Here's us, a few beers in, spelling out "cool" with our hands and mouths (which, in reality, is probably anything but).

To view more pictures of my trip, go check out my album on facebook.

My trip to Guatemala - Day 22

2010-10-30T21:31:00.000-07:00

October 3, 2010

Since I have to leave Antigua in two days, I wanted to devote today to going to see Cerro de la Cruz, which is a giant cross on the outskirts of town that promises the best views of the city. Nery, one of my roommates, offered to escort me as he's seen the cross several times and knows a shortcut there.

Unfortunately, it wasn't terribly sunny, but we still had a nice time. Once we made it up there, we mostly people-watched the took pictures of the landscape around us.

When we returned, Linda and I decided to go to the Rainbow Cafe for some food and happy hour drinks. We arrived at around 3:30 pm. Since happy hour didn't start until 4 pm, and we were starving, we decided to order some food and wait to order beverages until after 4. Bad move. Do you know how thirsty hummus and guacamole can make you? Parched is the correct answer. But, since my wallet often times overrules my mouth/stomach, we decided to wait it out.

After Rainbow Cafe, we headed to the movie theatre to see Prince of Persia (before you judge me, please note that it was the only film playing as there is only one screen in all of Antigua). It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be. Post-Prince of Persia (how's that for alliteration?), we went to Nokiate for some sushi. Holy mother, was it ever good! I haven't eaten sushi since August, and my mouth was definitely craving some cucumber avocado rolls. Mmm.

A lovely day indeed.

Some views from Antigua on the way to the cross:

On our climb up to Cerro de la Cruz:

A view of Antigua from Cerro de la Cruz:

The cross itself:

And some views on the way down:

To view more pictures of my trip, go check out my album on facebook.

My trip to Guatemala - Day 21

2010-10-30T21:30:00.000-07:00

October 2, 2010

As I mentioned yesterday, I have no idea what the heck the pharmacist gave me to cure my illness, but whatever it was, it was like a miracle drug because I feel pretty much cured. Not only was today a victory for my nasal passages, but it also marks the day that I finally learned to use the shower!

Gracias a Dios de la Ducha!

Most showers in Guatemala do not have hot water. Instead, they have an electrical device on the shower head that supposedly heats the water. Well, I just assumed they were shoddy and didn't work as I could never get the water in my shower to go above lukewarm. Well, today, I experimented with the amount of water I let pass through the faucet by only turning it on a little bit.

Hot damn (literally) if warm water didn't come out! I completely reveled in the glorious heat, and I must have taken at least a fifteen minute shower. It only took me three weeks to figure out how to use it, but gone are the days of soaping up outside of the shower, bracing myself and then rinsing off in the cold, numbing trickle.

After my amazing shower, I went up to the roof to listen to some music and meditate. While I was up there, Linda stopped by and nearly scared the crap out of me as I had my headphones on and didn't hear her approach. Once I got over my initial shock, we chatted for a bit before deciding to head to the market.

Other than the time I went to the t-shirt store, I haven't been to the market. So, since it's my last weekend here, we decided to go. Holy crap - I had no idea how big it was! Beyond the t-shirt and souvenir shops is the food area. Beyond that is what seems like an endless warehouse of used clothes (most of them are from the US, which explains why a lot of people here wear shirts with English writing on them).

I snapped a few shots of all of the seemingly delicious produce before we headed to the clothing area.

After the roof, we headed to our regular spot, Monoloco. There, we attempted to have a conversation about Twilight in Spanish. I'm not particularly proud of having a conversation about Twilight, but I am quite pleased that I can now say "vampire" and "wolf" in a different language. I still need to look up how to say "Twilight is unrealistic bullshiz," but I suppose I'll save that for a different day.

When I got home, I saw our roommate, Calvin, and his new "friend" sitting at the kitchen table. They were listening to electronic music and making small talk. Calvin called me out of my room and told me he wanted me to meet his friend. I did, but his name escapes me now. After some brief conversation, they asked me to go on the roof with them.

I just thought they wanted to look at the stars (how naive am I?), but I'm pretty sure getting stoned was their main objective. And I'm also pretty sure the "friend" was a drug dealer.

Here's an excerpt from the conversation that happened on the roof:

Sketchtacular "friend": So, do you speak Spanish better than your buddy here?

Me: Well, he's just learning, so I hope so. Yes.

Sketchtacular "friend": Haha. Cool.

Me: How'd you two meet anyway?

Sketchtacular "friend": Um, outside of a bar.

Me: You met outside of a bar?

Sketchtacular "friend": Yeah...

Me: How did that happen? You just started talking, even though he speaks virtually no Spanish and you don't speak much English?

Sketchtacular "friend": Something like that, yeah.

Me: Hmm. That's interesting.

Pause, followed by Calvin repeatedly proclaiming that he can't believe he's getting high in Guatemala.

Me: So...where do you live?

Sketchtacular "friend": About three hours away.

Me: What brings you to Antigua?

Sketchtacular "friend": (Grinning) The tourists.

Me: (Not understanding that he means he likes to sell drugs to the tourists) Yeah?

Sketchtacular "friend": Uh-huh.

Me: So what do you do where you live?

Sketchtacular "friend": (Pauses) I'm a farmer.

Me: A farmer?

Sketchtacular "friend": Yep.

Me: What do you grow?

Sketchtacular "friend": Oh, you know, a little of this, a little of that. Apples. (Long pause) Marijuana.

Me: (Finally cluing in): Oh!

He must have thought I was either some sort of narc with all of my questioning, or just the biggest idiot on the face of the planet when it comes to drugs. The latter is probably true.

Sketchtacular "friend" then offered me some pot, but I declined. Instead, I just sat on the roof, gazed at the stars, and giggled to myself at my own naïveté.

To view more pictures of my trip, go check out my album on facebook.

My trip to Guatemala - Day 20

2010-10-30T21:25:00.000-07:00

October 1, 2010

I was sick again today. Barf. Well, I didn't actually barf (praise everything holy!), but that was my reaction to feeling like crap-o-la upon waking up. If there's one thing I hate being, it's sick on vacation. I didn't go to class again today, so instead, my teacher came to me. I was surprised to see her, and felt really special that she came over to check on me. We conversed for about an hour, and we even attempted to talk about 9/11 conspiracy theory in Spanish. Wow, was that ever difficult. I'm still not sure she knew exactly was I was saying, but she nodded a lot, so I suppose that was good.

Before she departed, she told me that I should pick up some medication at the pharmacy. She even recommended penicillin. I questioned her and protested that I hadn't been to a doctor, and since I have no health insurance, I couldn't afford to go. She looked at me like I was the silly one, and quickly informed me that one doesn't need a prescription to get medicine in Guatemala. She instructed me to go to the pharmacy, tell them my symptoms and then purchase whatever they say to buy.

As she began to leave, it dawned on me that today was my last Spanish lesson. So I thanked her repeatedly and gave her a hug goodbye. She really did feel more like a friend than a teacher, and she taught me more in three weeks than I ever thought possible.

After Yaneth left, I slept a bit more and waited for Miranda to come home. When she did, she walked me to her favorite pharmacy in town. I walked in and told the pharmacist that my head, throat and entire body were in pain. He brought out two tiny boxes of bills. I asked which ones were more expensive. He pointed to the box on the left. I then asked which ones were more effective. He pointed to the other box. I ended up going with the more expensive, more effective option. When he rang me up, I think the pills were the equivalent of less than US $2.

Wow. You mean, I can just walk to a pharmacy, tell them what my symptoms are or what kind of drugs I want, and they just give them to me? For really cheap? That's, like, magic. Or heaven.

I have no idea what he gave me, but I popped one in my mouth and started to feel better quickly thereafter. Because it was my last weekend in town, I wanted to go out. I had originally planned to travel somewhere over the weekend (outside of Antigua), but due to my illness, I decided that sticking around and sleeping in a familiar bed was probably my best option.

So instead, we went out to the Rainbow Cafe and then headed to Cafe No Se with Linda. There, we met John, an older, American ex-pat who had been living in Guatemala for quite some time. He was a gregarious fellow, and he looked like he spent a good deal of his time telling stories about his time in Vietnam. Whether he actually served in Vietnam, I don't know, but for some reason, I could see him telling tales with the likes of Lieutenant Dan from Forrest Gump. I do recall that he had been in the military at some point.

We chatted him up for a while before I noticed that he had a handgun tucked into his belt. It wasn't even in a holder. It was just in his pants, for all the world to see, like he was some mobster. Upon viewing the gun, I think my eyes must have popped out of my head as he caught my stare and he shifted his position so he could move his jacket over the gun. I tried not to say anything. After all, I generally try not to piss off people who are well-armed.

After several bowls of popcorn (it's free at Cafe No Se), I headed home for some more rest. Fingers crossed that I feel better tomorrow!

To view some pictures of my trip, go check out my album on facebook.

My trip to Guatemala - Day 19

2010-10-30T21:18:00.000-07:00

September 30, 2010

Today was a big, fat doozie. I came down with some serious cold/flu/yuckiness. I'm not sure what illness I have, but it's wicked and I hurt everywhere. My throat was so bad that I even skipped class today.

Instead, I hibernated inside and watched episodes of Intervention (my favorite show) in Spanish. What better way to learn a language than to watch a subtitled show that features drug addicts selling their bodies for crack? Like, for instance, I learned that the word for heroin in Spanish is heroína. And the word for cocaine in Spanish is cocaína.

So now, if I'm ever at a party with Spanish-speaking drug addicts, I will be able to communicate. It's good to know these things.

Fingers crossed that I get better tomorrow. Even though it's raining like nobody's business, I still hate being cooped up in the house.

To view some pictures of my trip, go check out my album on facebook.

My trip to Guatemala - Day 18

2010-10-30T21:17:00.000-07:00

September 29, 2010

The ol' guesthouse got a new roommate today. His name is Calvin, he's 18 years old, and I don't know that he could make me laugh more. He's originally from California, but after a semester of college in Indiana, he came here to do volunteer work.

He's endlessly optimistic, smiley and animated, and he sounds like a surfer. After everything you say, he looks directly at you and says, "yo, that's real talk" or "that's what's up." Without fail. I still half-expect him to finger snap and add an Ali G-style "boo-ya-ca-sha" every once in a while for good measure.

I ate dinner with him, and we bonded over our mutual love of electronic music. I then retreated to my room and quietly laughed to myself as he rapped along with Notorious B.I.G.'s "Juicy." Had I not been so tired, I might have even joined him.

To view some pictures of my trip, go check out my album on facebook.

My trip to Guatemala - Day 17

2010-10-30T21:16:00.000-07:00

September 28, 2010

More of the same today: class and drinking. God, I could get used to this. If only I had an endless cash flow (P.S. Any potential sugar parents out there want to help me in that department?).

I stuck around after class to watch Voces Inocentes. The film tells the story of a little boy in El Salvador who tries to escape life as a child soldier. While there were no subtitles, so I didn't understand what exactly was being said half the time, the acting was superb and I was blown away by the injustice suffered by so many child soldiers. What's even sadder is that the film points out that many of the forces training child soldiers were from the United States. It never ceases to sadden or amaze me what a government that's supposedly based on freedom is capable of doing.

After watching the film, I called Spirit Airlines to book another free flight (How awesome is Spirit? Seriously, if Jesus had an airline, I think it would be Spirit). I received an email two days ago saying that if I didn't use some of my miles by the end of the month, I was going to lose them. So I looked at where Spirit flies, and decided that Costa Rica will be my next vacation destination. Bring on the zip-lining! On a very strained Skype call that took way longer than it should have, I booked my trip for May. As I hung up the phone after receiving my confirmation number, I grinned from ear to ear. Yay traveling! I know relatively nothing about Costa Rica, so if you have any tips/advice for what to do, I would love to hear from you.

In the evening, I headed out to Ladies Night at Monoloco. On ladies night, women drink for virtually nothing. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm against sexism and gender division. However, when it costs less than fifty cents (US) to get a mixed drink, I sometimes (shamefully) make exceptions. And that's exactly what I did tonight. Annie, Linda and I parked ourselves at one of the upstairs picnic tables and partook in the cheap, sexist beverages.

At one point, a man walked up to our table. He could barely speak English or Spanish, but somehow we managed to find out that he's from Korea and, like us, he's here taking Spanish lessons. He explained that he had two friends with him, and then asked us if we would like to buy him and his friends some drinks.

Holy presumption, Batman! Uh, thanks, but no thanks.

So we declined, and he went back to the picnic table where his friends were waiting.

After about five minutes, he came back again! This time, it seems like he had rehearsed what he was about to say (much like an Oscar-acceptance speech). He once again communicated that he had two friends. And since there were three of us and three in his group, we should all sit together. He then corrected himself and said that it would be him who would buy the drinks.

What I'm making sound like easy conversation was anything but. We easily said, "what?" at least 20 times, and our communication was a mix of broken English and Spanish. Finally, after shaking our heads "no" repeatedly for quite some time, he wandered back to his table. I couldn't help but laugh as I pondered how he, with his little English or Spanish abilities, was nominated to be the representative from the group to approach us.

After several drinks, we headed home. On our way home, we stopped at the equivalent of a party store, and got approached by a woman named Casey. It's not uncommon for strangers to approach in Antigua, but this just seemed odd. She kept asking if we wanted to hang out, and told us stories of how she had immigrated to the United States without papers and had to work as a stripper as that was her only option for money. She told us she was from El Salvador and that she was just in Guatemala for an extended vacation. I thought that sounded somewhat strange, and I recalled the time when my teacher told me that a lot of people from El Salvador come to Guatemala (seeking under-the-table jobs) without documentation as El Salvador is even poorer than Guatemala.

While we were talking, a large, older man called her name. She looked in his direction, and appeared to be fearful. She quickly told us she had to go, and walked in the other direction. He then pursued her as he repeatedly called her name. As not to cause a scene, she slowed down and he grabbed her arm and walked her back in our direction. I'm sure he knew that we were catching onto the situation (that he was her pimp), and casually tried to make conversation with us. He told us that he had been a teacher at one point, and that Casey was just his friend. He even went so far as to ask us how our vacations were going before they left. After quickly slipping around a street corner, they were out of eyeshot.

I don't remember how we parted ways, but I couldn't help but feeling this awful sinking in my stomach. My heart went out to her as I imagined what her life must be like. I envisioned how bad or destitute her home-life must have been to make her think that escaping to other countries to work as a sex worker was a better life. I then began to think that perhaps she didn't even make that choice. Perhaps she was kidnapped and trafficked and had no idea how to return home even if she wanted to. Perhaps her "wanting to hang out" was a way of reaching out, a way of plotting her potential escape. I just hate the way our society can make people so expendable. Just the way child soldiers were used and thrown away (and continue to be today in certain parts of the world) in the film I watched, so are sex workers. I felt so helpless as I saw Casey and the large man (who was still clutching her arm) escape into the darkness. I'm not sure what life will bring her, but I certainly hope she finds a safe way out.

To view some pictures of my trip, go check out my album on facebook.

My trip to Guatemala - Day 16

2010-10-30T21:15:00.000-07:00

September 27, 2010

Today was a pretty typical day: I went to class in the morning, ate lunch and dinner with my roommates and then retired to bed. We've officially entered the rainy season, so I think my days or aimlessly walking around and sitting in the park might be over. While I wish I could get outside more, there's something very peaceful about hearing the pitter patter of raindrops on our house's tin roof.

One of my favorite parts about traveling is pondering the subtleties in cultural differences of where I am versus where I am from. One of the differences I've noticed is greetings. In Guatemala, it's considered rude if you don't greet someone as soon as they walk into the room. Like, you actually have to interrupt what you're doing in order to shake their hand/hug them and ask about their day. This is true even if the person stumbled late into a meeting or event.

In the US, if you're late to a meeting, I find that we appreciate it if you quietly find a seat, settle in and perhaps quickly apologize for not being prompt. However, in Guatemala, if you come in late, it's like a party. Everyone breaks from the meeting's agenda to take turns greeting you.

I first noticed this in my classes. When someone would walk by our table, my teacher would always invite them over and say hello. They would shake my hand, ask how we both were doing and briefly detail how their morning had been going.

I kind of like the way they do things here. It makes you feel special, acknowledged. I feel like we're so quick to rush things in the US, and even when we are exchanging pleasantries, I feel like people don't really care. They say things like, "hi" or "how are you?" because it's customary, but I don't know that they really want the answer. Here, it seems that people actually do.

I've also noticed that there are a lot of young, single moms here. Birth control is very frowned upon (and I believe abortion is illegal) since it's a predominately Catholic country. In fact, birth control is so hush-hush that some clinics have a scar-free way of performing tubal ligation surgeries so women who undergo the procedure don't have to tell their husbands/partners. Since it's Catholic, I would assume that people would get married when they're relatively young (since, the last time I checked, sex before marriage was still a no-no in the Catholic church). But, they don't seem to. Instead, they seem to have relationships which result in pregnancies, and then it seems like a lot of the women are left to take care of the babies. The same is probably true in the US, but perhaps I've been noticing it more here.

To view some pictures of my trip, go check out my album on facebook.

My trip to Guatemala - Day 15

2010-10-30T21:11:00.000-07:00

September 26, 2010

Today was a low-key day. I think I needed the rest after a night of bar-hopping.

Linda, Annie, Miranda and I joined Leidy (one of the women who works in the office of La Union) and her two-year-old son for a late breakfast at the Bagel Barn. The Bagel Barn is a great little coffee shop that you might see in an American college town. It's very cozy, and filled with people writing in journals or using their laptops as they sip various hot beverages. The Bagel Barn even plays Spanish films for free in the evenings.

Plus, they have cool breakfasts that come with your choice of multivitamins or cigarettes. Tough call on which to choose: an immune system booster or cancer.

That's Linda with Leidy's adorable son.

He kept wanting to toast, and kept repeating the Spanish word for "cheers" as he brought his glass up to mine. Precious! For a brief moment, it kind of made me want one.

After we left Bagel Barn, we headed to another coffee shop where Linda, Miranda and I chatted for a long time, and I attempted to study (although I actually just got sucked into facebook-browsing and people-watching).

In the evening, I went to the movie theatre for the first time. There's only one cinema in Antigua, and it only has one screen. The films are free to view if you buy a drink. And, trust me, they have drinks a plenty as the theater features a full bar and restaurant menu. While you're at the mercy of the staff's movie selection (romantic comedies like "Love Happens" aren't generally my first choice), the atmosphere is really quiet and provides a nice opportunity to get lost in a film.

So after some beer and cinematic romance ("Love Happens" wasn't nearly as awful as I thought it would be), I headed home and fell asleep quickly.

To view more pictures of my trip, go check out my album on facebook.

My trip to Guatemala - Day 14

2010-10-30T21:10:00.000-07:00

September 25, 2010

Today marked some very important firsts. It was the first time I ate sushi in Guatemala, the first time I visited one of Antigua's hostels, and the first time I got hit on by someone young enough to be my son.

The evening started when Aki and Natsko (who both are staying at the same youth hostel) invited a bunch of folks over for a sushi-making party. Um, yes, please! I don't know if there's anything I love more on this earth than sushi (okay, okay, fine, world peace and NKOTB, but sushi would probably be a close third), so I was quite excited to attend. They were so nice and even bought a bunch of avocados, carrots, cucumbers and peppers for vegan sushi.

As soon as everyone arrived, we all became ravenous sushi-making machines. My rolls looked more like burritos as I never quite got the hang of tightly rolling them, but they were still quite delicious!

After we were nearly in a food coma, we cleaned up and decided to head out to the bars.

Wait, let me back up.

At the sushi party, we met three guys who were also staying at the hostel. None of them spoke much English, and from what I gathered in Spanish, they were there doing internships in Antigua as they were studying tourism at school and Antigua is a really big tourist town. They spoke quickly and used a lot of slang (and their accents seemed to be different as they were from the southern part of Guatemala), but they were nice and seemed to laugh a lot. So when they asked if they could join us (Miranda, Annie, Linda and me) at the bar, we obliged.

We bar-hopped and went to the usual suspects: Rum Bar, Cafe No Se and Monoloco. During our stop to Cafe No Se, one of the interns started chatting me up. Orlando (as I mistakenly called him all night when his real name was Rolando) started asking questions like where I was from, how old I was, what I did for a living, etc. I asked him the same questions and busted his chops a little bit when he told me he was 23.

"I don't believe you," I said in Spanish.

"It's true," was his reply.

We went back and forth a little bit more before I finally decided to believe him. After all, there was really no point in arguing with a random stranger over something that had no bearing on our mutual affinity for beer.

After a brief conversation, he asked me if I had a boyfriend. As I previously learned, if you're not currently in the market for a new boyfriend, it's best to say "yes," whether you have one or not. Otherwise the next question usually involves getting asked out on a date. But, if you say yes, you can generally just move on with friendly conversation.

To my surprise, he pressed on.

"Where does your boyfriend live? The United States?"

"Yes," I replied.

He mulled it over for a moment, and then said, "You know, you could have two boyfriends. One here and one back home."

I laughed out loud and told him I appreciated the offer, but that's way too many.

He quietly laughed to himself and then dropped it.

After that, we returned to regular conversation. And by regular conversation, I mean, him repeatedly asking me if I was drunk yet. We also ate popcorn and took turns teaching each other the Spanish/English word for it (it's poporopo in case anyone is curious). By the way, poporopo might be my new favorite Spanish word, replacing sacapuntas (pencil sharpener).

As we were on our way to Monoloco, Annie all of a sudden turned to me and said, "Do you know we're hanging out with a bunch of high school students?" "Uh, what?" "Yeah, they're in high school. They're here doing their high school internships."

When Orlando/Rolando started talking to me again, he asked me if I wanted to go out dancing with him. I thanked him for the offer, but politely declined.

I then said, "How old are you really, anyway?"

"23," he insisted.

"Okay, show me your ID then. Prove it."

Without missing a beat, he pulled out a picture ID.

Upon looking at it, I cracked up for two reasons: 1. because it didn't have his birthday on it (which I quickly pointed out) and 2. because it said "colegio" on it, and it was from 2010. Colegio looks/sounds a lot like college, but in Guatemala it means private high school.

So basically he showed me his current high school ID to prove that he was 23.

When we finally headed to Monoloco, the interns couldn't even get in as they were underage. And I'm not talking underage as in under 21. I mean underage as in under 18.

So Orlando/Rolando could have been my child. Too bad he didn't ask if I had a son back in the United States, and if I wanted to add one of those to my collection.

The before:

Natsko demonstrating how to make sushi:

Possessed or just really excited to be making sushi? Perhaps a bit of both.

My first attempt at making sushi.

Yum!

More yum!

The interns.

My second attempt. For those of you who are wondering, that's carrots, peppers, guacamole and cucumbers. Vegan sushi rules!

Sushi-making party group shot.

Post sushi-making/pre-food coma.

To view more pictures of my trip, go check out my album on facebook.

My trip to Guatemala - Day 13

2010-10-30T21:07:00.000-07:00

September 24, 2010

Class today was enjoyable as usual. I was excited to start conjugating verbs for the past tense. This might not be thrilling to others, but it is most helpful to be able to say "I went to the bathroom" vs. "I am currently going to the bathroom." And I was pleased when Miranda told she was impressed by how much Spanish I learned in two weeks. Honestly, I am surprised by how much I've learned as well, and I didn't expect to be so fearless in speaking it to strangers (especially when I'm alone in a bank or store).

Unfortunately, I learned that the school's trip to Panajachel and Chichicastenango was canceled due to the tropical storm that's supposed to come this weekend. I contemplated traveling there on my own, but decided against it when one of the women in the La Union office said there was a good chance that the roads back to Antigua might get rained out. So I just stuck around town instead.

In the evening, Miranda and I met Annie and Linda at Rainbow Cafe. We watched Sergio perform again before heading to Rum Bar. Upon walking in, I decided it was my favorite place in Antigua (I know, I know, this has happened before, but this time, I mean it). It's kind of like Cafe No Se with its tranquil atmosphere and lighting by candles, but it's smaller and features a loft with only pillows to sit on. We ran into Luis (from Juan's band) and Aki (from La Union) and met Mike (a super nice guy who just returned to Guatemala after living in the US for a long time). We plopped on the loft's pillows, giggled and tried to fight off sleep (or at least I did). I can't tell if it's the complete lack of iron in my diet here or my mind's ability to finally relax and let go, but I have been so sleepy since the beginning of my trip. Perhaps my body is just making up for all of the rest I failed to get during the past year.

Mike and Aki in the loft at Rum Bar.

More Rum Bar.

And even more Rum Bar.

To view more pictures of my trip, go check out my album on facebook.

My trip to Guatemala - Day 12

2010-10-30T21:06:00.001-07:00

September 23, 2010

Wow! What a full day this turned out to be. In the morning, I went to class for two hours before joining several classmates and teachers on a tour of the Gallo beer factory. Gallo is Guatemala's most famous beer, and the factory (which is located in Guatemala City) is flippin' huge! They're able to produce 40,000 bottles per hour, which translates to them being a frat boy's dream come true. I wish I was able to take more pictures in the factory, but photography was prohibited (Apparently, they were scared members of our group were going to give away their beer secrets. Little did they know the only secret I know about beer is that the free kind is the best!).

One of the most fun parts of the trip (other than getting to sample beer at the end of the tour) was listening to the two Australian guys at the school speak (one of whom bears a striking resemblance to Jack Sparrow from Pirates of the Caribbean). They use the word "fuck" constantly, and I think they're both in a constant state of hang-over. In fact, one of them was joking that he dreamt he had OD'ed on alcohol. "Not possible," the other one declared.

After they called each other bastards with various adjectives in front of the word, they then started comparing the way they tan to animals. For example, "I tan like a fucking zebra" one would say, to which the other would counter, "No, you tan like a fucking jaguar" (pronounced yag-yoo-wire), and so forth. Then, they declared that they were going to go to "fucking town tonight" at the bar. Jack Sparrow suggested that they invite someone else out who could keep up with their drinking. The other, a bearded guy with long-side bangs, argued that nobody could keep up with their drinking. Jack then concurred.

I tried a Monte Carlo beer at the factory, and it must've gotten to me as I fell asleep on the bus ride home. After the factory tour, I went to a workshop at the school on how to make tortillas. I thought we were going to learn the entire process, but we mostly just learned how to smash them like pancakes and throw them on the frying surface. Oh well, it was still fun, and I enjoyed loading them up with beans and guacamole (and eating them, too!).

I then headed home and met our new roommate at the guesthouse. Oh boy, where to begin about this man? He looks like an old, retired lawyer with unruly gray hair, gaps in his teeth and a slight East Coast accent. He joined me for dinner and spoke while his mouth was full of corn. He went on and on about himself as he nibbled a couple of ears in typewriter-fashion. He explained that he had a girlfriend of three years, just retired from the Balinese furniture importing/exporting business and lived in the San Francisco Bay Area. He immediately began asking personal questions, like if and who I was dating and how things were in the bedroom. I instantly got creeped out and tried to quickly change the subject. That same night, he asked Miranda if she wanted to sit on his lap while she showed him how to use her laptop. He later asked me if I wanted to conserve water by taking a shower with him.

I immediately became enraged. What gives him the right to sexually harass us in our own home? And for him to think that I would even entertain the idea of showering with someone my dad's age is downright disgusting. Plus, he chews with his mouth open to boot!

I then began thinking about some of the injustices being female brings with it here. Not only do men hit on you shamelessly and constantly, but it's unsafe to walk home alone. I totally took the right to walk to a convenience store in the States for granted. Here, in order just to return home, it's necessary to be accompanied by someone else. Not only does this add time to trips as Miranda, Linda, Annie and I usually walk each other and stop at multiple houses and places, but it's an unfair burden women must bear.

In order to escape our new roommate's weirdness, we headed to Monoloco to support a fundraiser for children who live in a literal garbage dump (read: we got crunk and gave the money to a worthy cause). We met several people from our school there, and tried to avoid eye contact with Mr. Sexual Harassment as he showed up as well. We all sat at a large table and exchanged humorous anecdotes, including one from Andrew (the guy with a Southern accent that makes Dolly Parton sound like a Yankee) about his cousin who worked as a server at Applebee's. When she approached a table of gentlemen (term is used loosely) after their main meal, she said, "What would y'all (because it was the South) like for dessert?" "I'll have a Southern delight," was the reply. She inquired what that was.

"You, nekkid on a piece of toast!"

Granted, it doesn't sound all that funny in writing, but hearing someone say "nekkid" for "naked," and actually be serious about it, is priceless in my book!

And now, onto the pictures!

Where they make Gallo beer. AKA Heaven.

Mi maestra, Yaneth a la fábrica Gallo.

Gallo beer factory tour.

The best part of the Gallo beer factory tour: free booze at the end.

Drinking up on a school-sponsored field trip. Too bad Dexter High School didn't organize such events.

Making tortillas.

The finished product with beans and guacamole. Mmm!

To view more pictures of my trip, go check out my album on facebook.

My trip to Guatemala - Day 11

2010-10-30T21:06:00.000-07:00

September 22, 2010

After class, I went to Ciudad Vieja (a neighboring pueblo) to watch a La Union teachers vs. students soccer game. At first, I wasn't going to go as I'm not a huge sports fan, and the thought of playing soccer seemed mighty scary and the thought of watching it seemed somewhat boring. But I am so glad I went!

As soon as I stepped on the bus, I felt a sense of camaraderie. I quickly introduced myself to the person I was sitting next to (Stefan, a forty-something guy from Switzerland who quit his job to learn Spanish, which just happens to be his fourth language), and I heard others doing the same. On the way to the game, I met Mae (a woman from Wisconsin who used to work as a legal advocate at a sexual assault center), Maria and Ivan (an English couple who started their current trip in San Francisco and plan to travel all the way to Buenos Aires before heading home), Andrew (a friendly, recent college grad from Tennessee with one of the thickest Southern accents I've heard in a long time) and two guys from Japan, who both have extremely funny names. Aki Nose sounds like Aqui No Se, which, in Spanish means Here, I Don't Know. Upon first meeting him, I immediately conjured images of an Abbott and Costello routine in the making. The other guy's name is Kohie (pronounced Ko-Hay), which apparently sounds exactly like the s/he verb form of cojer (which is a dirty/slang word for sex. In English, kind of like the F bomb). I can't decide whose name I enjoy more.

Once again, I was struck by how friendly everyone was. The game was fun, and I liked cheering and taking pictures. Some of the players were quite serious, and I was so glad I was able to stay sweat and dirt-free on the sidelines.

During game breaks and on the way back, I was able to talk to more of my classmates. For instance, Mr. I Don't Know has been to 40 countries and he's done stints as a chef in many of them (although photography remains his dream). Ivan and Maria worked as a lawyer and a banker before deciding their dream was travel and subsequently quitting their jobs. With the exception of Ivan and Maria, everyone was traveling alone. I was impressed by their bravery to do something alone, and I was also extremely inspired by everyone's ability to break from the beaten path in order to pursue adventure. I felt very at home with this group of strangers, and hearing their stories has driven me to travel more and sink my teeth deeper into new experiences!

Some pictures from the intense game, in which five red cards were handed out. Okay, okay, that last part was a fib, but some of the players do have some mighty intense looks on their faces (especially in the last one).

To view more pictures of my trip, go check out my album on facebook.

My trip to Guatemala - Day 10

2010-10-30T21:04:00.000-07:00

September 21, 2010

I woke up today feeling refreshed and content. After class, I planned to visit Cerro de la Cruz (basically a ginormous cross in the outskirts of Antigua) with other students from La Union. The teachers were going to guide us to the area near the cross, which is supposed to have the best views of Antigua, but it started raining so the trip was canceled. Apparently, when booking the trip, "somebody" forgot to thoroughly research the weather here and landed herself in the middle of the rainy season. Oh well, I suppose I can't complain much when the ticket was free, right?

Instead, I just hung out in my room until Miranda got home around 6, and we ate dinner together. She talked to me a lot about feeling grounded, being in the moment, feeling the present in my bones. At 6:15 pm on a Tuesday evening, my feet were in Antigua and my head had to match that. I thought a lot about what she said and decided in that moment to embrace the rest of my trip that way. No more missing home and thinking too much about what's going on there. Instead, I will be present. I will be here.

After our conversation, we went to Cafe No Se with Linda. I found this bar to be my favorite place in Antigua so far. It was really quaint, lit nearly only by candles and it was filled with the sound of slow, live music and chuckling patrons. The only problem is that the menus were in English, and nearly everyone in there was an expat. I get enough of the US while I'm there; and I really don't need more while I'm here.

We bought the largest sized Gallos they served, and the conversation quickly turned to awkward hook-ups. We went around the table, exchanged stories, squealed with laughter and competed to see whose story was the best (and by best I mean most horribly awkward and laughable). Because I want to protect the "innocent" on here, I won't reveal the stories, but I will say the winning account involved a very poorly-timed nosebleed.

I was shocked by how quickly the time passed, but the conversation was easy and my head felt a delightful, tingly warmth with every sip. So I happily stayed until 1:00 am. After having some rainy solitude, connecting with people and laughing at all the silliness that comes with having humanity was exactly what I needed.

To view pictures of my trip, go check out my album on facebook.

My trip to Guatemala - Day 9

2010-10-30T21:03:00.000-07:00

September 20, 2010

Holy crap, my body is not what she used to be! I woke up hung-over, and Spanish class was a definite chore to get through. I sincerely hoped Yaneth couldn't smell the alcohol that I'm positive lingered on my breath.

After class, I planned to attend salsa and merengue class, but my tired, hung-over booty slept through it. So instead, I just did some homework and fell asleep for the night. I felt bad for wasting the day, but I suppose I am on vacation. And the day was not entirely wasted as Estela made the most kick-ass vegan mashed potatoes I've ever had in my life!

To view pictures of my trip, go check out my album on facebook.

My trip to Guatemala - Day 8

2010-10-30T21:02:00.000-07:00

September 19, 2010

This morning, I woke up fairly early and headed to Central Park to study and write. In between conjugating verbs and detailing my travels, I people-watched. I saw several Mayan women attempting to sell jewelry, Americans lugging giant backpacks and reading maps, and a local teenager walking the cutest little puppies I’ve ever seen.

After an hour or so in the park, I returned home and took solace on the roof. I closed my eyes, took several deep breaths and got completely lost in my music. It was really peaceful, but I got a terrible sunburn. It’s pretty wicked, and I look rather tomato-like.

When Miranda got home from her hike, we went to the Rainbow Café to go see her friend, Juan’s band play. Linda and Annie (Linda’s roommate and a fellow American who works in La Union’s office) met us there. The band, La Raiz, was really good. Mellow. I enjoyed their music, but it also left me with an unexpected sense of melancholy. Perhaps I’m a bit homesick for my friends and family back in the States, or maybe my brain is tired from all the deep-thinking I’ve been doing about my life lately. Or maybe when I hear sad songs, it makes me sad, too. After all, I’m the person who can’t listen to Delilah without having at least one crying session.

After Juan’s band finished their set (and I ingested the most delightful hummus/avocado sandwich), we chatted them up, and Miranda invited them over to our place. Before we headed over our way, we walked a few houses down so Linda could pick up her wallet. On our way back, a man, standing in his doorway, hissed at us. I thought he was attempting to ’shh’ us and silence our giggles. Boy, did I think wrong! Turns out, he was trying to get our attention as he was standing there, BUCK NAKED! Dios mio! I didn’t want to stare as God forbid he might think I was interested in what he had to offer, so I tried to avert my eyes as best I could. Not sure what he was hoping to accomplish other than more laughter and a bit of sexual harassment, but mission accomplished on both fronts.

After getting over our shock, Miranda, Linda and I piled into the back of Juan’s pick-up truck along with Cholo and Luis (the other band members). It was definitely my first time riding in the back of a truck, and feeling the wind in my hair as we plowed through the streets of Antigua was extremely liberating (although not for my backside as I felt every bump!). We all headed to the guesthouse, with beer in hand, and climbed up on the roof as soon as we arrived. The guys busted out their guitars and we had a short-lived sing-along before we were told we were being too loud and had to leave.

So we piled back into the truck and headed to Juan’s place. His apartment was so cool - like a loft you’d see somewhere in a US city. It was filled with artwork and a massive music collection. He also had two hammocks in the living room, and a fancy toilet in the bathroom that actually (gasp!) flushed toilet paper, unlike the other toilets in Guatemala.

A quick note: not sure if I’ve mentioned it before or not, but the toilets in Guatemala cannot handle toilet paper. So basically, when you wipe, you can’t flush it. Instead, you have to throw the paper into a trash can next to the toilet. It might not sound like a big deal (and after a while, it isn’t), but at first, it's a bit difficult to get used to. And it’s amazing how at home you feel when you can actually flush the paper in the toilet.

It wasn’t long before Juan busted out some “firewater” and we all began doing shots. Facebook-style photography then ensued. We shared many laughs, and I even told Juan about the greatness that is Melissa Ferrick. Conversation between the six of us was a combination of Spanish, English and drunk-speak, and it flowed quite easily. I was struck by how easy it is to connect with complete strangers - especially when liquor is involved.

We drank and lounged at Juan's place until our sleepy eyes began to betray us. So we grabbed some late night street food and headed home. I drunkenly rambled to Linda for a few minutes before laying my head on the pillow and becoming one with my bed.

The aforementioned facebook-style photos:

Smiley in the back of a truck.

Linda showcasing Guatemala's most popular beer.

Post-Gallo.

Hammock fun.

The key to making alcohol taste better: plugging your nose.

Have some Gallo.

To view more pictures of my trip, go check out my album on facebook.

My trip to Guatemala - Day 7

2010-10-30T21:01:00.000-07:00

September 18, 2010

I woke up fairly early this morning and headed to the market, set on buying a new shirt or hat. The mercado is a large area past the park where all types of merchants set up. You can get a new DVD, purse or a pizza. It's kind of like the Walmart of Antigua (only hopefully not nearly as oppressive).

I walked by most of the stores before seeing a t-shirt shop that sold both Che shirts and ones with the Gallo beer logo. I poked my head in and asked how much the shirts were. "Q50" (a little over $6.00) was the answer from the merchant. I smiled and nodded. Then the shopkeeper said something in Spanish, and I looked at him with a confused expression on my face. "How much do you want to pay?" he continued in English. Oh! He wanted me to barter with him. But, I quickly realized I didn't know the protocol for proper bargaining. So I just smiled and said, "no se."

Then he asked where I was from and how long I was staying. Before I knew it, he invited me to sit at his store, and we ended up talking for over two hours. He told me his name was Carlos, and that he was 26. He lives in a nearby town with his family (an older sister and a younger brother), and they own a couple of stores around town.

Before long, he asked me if I had a boyfriend. I quickly found out that, in Guatemala, if you're not currently in the market for a new boyfriend, it's best to say "yes," whether you have one or not. Otherwise the next question usually involves getting asked out on a date. But, if you say yes, you can generally just move on with friendly conversation.

He asked me if I had dated in the past, and I told him about my six year relationship. He asked what happened, why we broke up. And in my limited Spanish, I simply said, "queremos cosas diferentes" (we want different things), which, I suppose if you get down to it, that's probably what leads to the demise of every relationship: wanting different things. Sometimes you want to be in a different state, and sometimes you want to spend your time differently. And sometimes you just want to make-out with strippers.

He told me how he had dated a girl in Guatemala City (about an hour away from Antigua) for three years. They met when he was in high school, and she didn't like that he had to work all the time in the store. So they broke up. He said he would like a girlfriend again in the future, but for now, he thinks it's better to be single.

Then he asked about sex, which kind of took me by surprise. But, perhaps because it was in a different language, and he seemed pretty harmless, I didn't find it that strange. So I listened to his question and tried to provide some insight. He wasn't propositioning me in any way; I think he just wanted to know my perspective on sex and culture. I asked if he meant premarital sex (or as I asked in my elementary Spanish "sex before the wedding"). He nodded. I think he wanted to know what it was like in the US, how people view premarital sex (since it's fairly taboo in Guatemala, but yet something a lot of people seem to take part in). So I said that it's fairly informal for some people in the US, but that some people still take it pretty seriously. He nodded and said that, for him, there has to be love before it happens. Then he added, "well...it depends on the situation." I laughed and agreed. Had we been speaking English, I would have joked and said something along the lines of, "well, it depends on how hot they are and how much alcohol has been consumed, right?" But, instead, I just smiled. I'm learning to do that a lot when I don't know what to say...just smile. And it generally works.

We spoke about comedy and what my job is like before we moved on to discussing discrimination against indigenous people. He said that there's so much discrimination against them that it's hard for them to find employment. He explained that they usually end up selling crafts or doing other similar jobs, and they make less than a dollar per day. It's so sad to me that no matter where you go, one group always seems to find a way to wield power and oppress another.

Before I left, I taught him several English words to use at his store. I also got to witness how you're supposed to barter when two native Spanish speakers came into his store to purchase shirts. Oh yeah, and I did what I set out to do and I bought a shirt from him. I was torn between the revolution star shirts and ones with the Gallo logo on them. I ended up selecting a blue Gallo t-shirt and explained that I would come back for the Che one. After all, what revolution can start without having a beer first?

I left with a big smile on my face. One because Carlos was so forgiving of my incorrect Spanish, and also because it was the first time I really connected with someone in another language. And I suppose being the proud owner of a new beer t-shirt made me grin as well.

To view pictures of my trip, go check out my album on facebook.

My trip to Guatemala - Day 6

2010-10-30T21:00:00.000-07:00

September 17, 2010

I'm really liking class, and today was no exception! Sometimes I wonder which I enjoy more: learning Spanish or just having the opportunity to converse with someone (who is starting to feel like a friend). Probably both. Today we discussed the United States' contribution to training child soldiers in El Salvador. And we talked about protest music and how music is such a powerful and important tool to disseminate information to the masses. I sincerely wish my Spanish was better just so I could speak about issues of justice. Right now, I'm limited to saying that I think all people are equal and Capitalism is not just. I suppose that's more than I knew when I came here, but still, it's frustrating. Of course, we briefly departed from our conversation about protest music to discuss the merits of Daddy Yankee's songs. It remains my contention that "Gasolina" is some of his best work.

In the afternoon, I went to visit a jade factory with two other students (a woman from Switzerland and another American). Manuel and Claudia, who work at the school, served as our guides. The trip required us to go on the public buses (or chicken buses, as they're called here), which was quite the experience! Before we boarded, Manuel explained that the buses (which appear to be old school buses that were painted like circus cars) seat three people in each seat. Wow! I don't even think we sat three to a seat in kindergarten. I suppose most people are rather small here, but still, it was quite crowded and my long (33" inseam) legs felt really cramped and out of place.

When we boarded, I immediately felt the deep sounds of bass. I was surprised to find an external sound system strapped to the front of the interior of the bus (It was kind of like a stereo with giant speakers duct-taped to the area right above the driver's head). I felt more like I was at a dance club than on a bus, but I kind of enjoyed it, especially because they played a mixture of salsa, reggaeton and techno. On chicken buses, there are no maps nor ways to indicate that you'd like to exit. In fact, at one point, we picked up another passenger, and I don't even think the driver stopped all the way for her before he nearly floored it again. The buses also have an attendant that practically hangs out of the bus and yells where the bus is headed. When someone with luggage boards, the attendant ties the luggage to the top of the bus, while the bus is still moving. How they don't fall off is beyond me, but they appear to have some serious balance.

The tour of the jade factory wasn't really much of a tour. In fact, it was a five minute presentation about how they mine the jade and then a ten minute presentation of the gift shop. I felt bad as I didn't buy anything, which I think was kind of the point. But, I really don't have the cash to be dropping on fancy jewelry. I did see a really nice chess set made of jade, but I didn't even dare ask how much it was.

In the evening, Miranda introduced me to her friend, Linda (a recent grad from North Carolina State who is here for four months before she attends medical school), and we all headed over to the Rainbow Cafe. The Rainbow Cafe is a combination of a bar and coffee shop, and it features live music and used books. It was really tranquil, and it reminded me a lot of a place in Ann Arbor. In other words, it's the place I've been looking for down here. We stayed for a couple of beers and listened to a guitar player named Sergio perform everything from Kings of Leon to slowed-down salsa songs. We shared a lot of laughs and time discussing whether facebook has made dating harder or easier. The jury's still out for me as to whether I think facebook has made dating easier or more difficult, but it's definitely made stalking a piece of cake! I really enjoyed Linda's company, although without access to a phone, I have no idea how to contact her. I suppose this trip is also a lesson in contacting people the old-fashioned way and not being so reliant on texting.

The jade factory.

Examples of things I can't afford.

No, this is not part of the evil Ringling Brothers' entourage; it's a city bus.

As is this.

Miranda and Linda.

To view more pictures of my trip, go check out my album on facebook.

My trip to Guatemala - Day 5

2010-10-30T14:03:00.000-07:00

September 16, 2010

I feel like I'm making so much progress in my Spanish classes. I'm remembering a lot from high school, and I've also been recognizing new words that I've recently learned on tv or in conversations. I wish I had more time here, and I wonder how fluent I could be if I got to be here for six months. I'm pretty much convinced I'd be a Spanish-speaking machine (una Espanol-hablando maquina) if given more time. Silly work and having to earn money...urg.

In the afternoon, I watched a movie at La Union called "El Norte." It's about a brother and sister in Guatemala, who are forced to flee the country during the civil war. It traces their journey through Mexico and finally, into the United States. Throughout the film, their dreams of finding riches in the north are consistently crushed as they face continued discrimination and hardship. The movie (while probably quite low-budget and with really shoddy special effects) does a thorough job of showing why people immigrate illegally. For the main characters in the movie, leaving Guatemala is their only choice to escape certain death by the military in their country and certain death by starvation in Mexico. I really believe that every conservative person in the US, who is anti-immigration and anti-immigrant, should be forced to watch this movie. It provides so much insight into why people flee their homelands and also accurately argues that everyone in the main characters' positions would do the same thing.

I didn't do much in the evening other than homework. As I was flipping channels on the television, I stumbled upon "Death on a Factory Farm" on Cinemax. It's a documentary that follows cruelty charges, that are filed against a pig farmer in Ohio, through the court system. While it was extremely difficult to watch the undercover videos, it made me realize that I need to spend more time advocating for animal rights. I still spend time working on their behalf, but I need to do more. Not only do animals clearly need more human advocates, but I feel the happiest when I'm helping others. If I look back at my life, the times I've found the most satisfaction and meaning are when I've been advocating for causes I believe in. Telling poop jokes in bar basements is fun, but I want my life to be about more than just that.

Note: in my actual journal, I did a lot more life reflection here, but I omitted it as it's somewhat personal, and I also didn't want to bore anyone who might be reading this to death.

This trip has given me a lot of peace and time for reflection, and I am so thankful for that. The internet has been out at the guesthouse house, and while difficult at first, I am quite grateful for the gift of being present and not using my time to check email or twitter updates (I would hate to think I missed out on opportunities because I was too busy reading what complete strangers had for breakfast).

So I spend a lot of time thinking here. I go up on the second terrace of our roof (ours is the highest in the area), and I listen to music, stare at the clothesline-covered dwellings and just think. I feel above the world and like I could reach out and touch the mountains that surround us, and that feeling of solitude makes me feel way more tranquil and comforted than I ever thought possible. One of my good friends talks about being alone, but not lonely, and I honestly didn't know what she was talking about until now. I have bouts of loneliness here, but they pass quickly. While I wish those close to me could experience it here, I wouldn't trade being here by myself for anything.

A view from our roof:

On our roof. Taken pre-singing, dancing, meditating and other miscellaneous ways of embarrassing myself in front of the neighbors.

Another view from the roof.

To view more pictures of my trip, go check out my album on facebook.

Some advice this Halloween

2010-10-30T09:24:00.001-07:00

Halloween is just around the corner, and as we all figure out what costume to purchase (Should I go as the sexy cat, slutty bunny or skanky nurse? Decisions, decisions.), I figured I would share some Halloween wisdom I’ve learned over the years. Sadly, these ten tips are all from personal experience.

It is my one hope that all of you fine folks in cyberland can learn from my misfortune and not make the same mistakes I did.

1. Going as a mermaid will make you unable to walk. Going as a television set will make you unable to move your arms. Both costumes will subject you to ridicule from other children and leave you in tears by the end of the night.
2. Dressing up as Madonna (during her cone-bra era) in the sixth grade will likely get you suspended.
3. If you hand out pennies instead of candy, your house will be toilet-papered.
4. Most costumes for pets are tantamount to animal cruelty.
5. Dressing up as Sarah Palin at a Halloween party for leftist vegans will also get you toilet-papered.
6. Covering yourself with boxes of Kellogg’s, carrying a knife and going as a “cereal killer” is not nearly as clever as you may think.
7. Asking strangers (who are clearly in costume) if they “dress that slutty everyday” is generally not advisable.
8. Wearing a sweater vest, khakis and a nametag and going as a “Gap employee” is not a real costume. Put some thought and creativity into it, Lazy.
9. If you’re looking to be unoriginal and/or to get lucky, dressing as Lady Gaga or Snooki are excellent choices.
10. Drinking and bobbing for apples don’t mix. Vomit never made any party game more fun.

This piece is also posted at Zoiks Online.

My trip to Guatemala - Day 4

2010-10-30T09:12:00.000-07:00

September 15, 2010

Today is Guatemala's Independence Day. Yaneth and I spent our class time near Central Park, and we watched all of the high school marching bands play. I was shocked by the shear number of bands that exist in this area. There had to be at least twenty. It's not like in the US where marching bands play at sporting events and have a season. Apparently, here, they practice for months just for this one day. According to Yaneth, ever since there's been peace in the country (which is still relatively new), bands no longer march as that's an act that's thought to appear too militaristic. So instead, a lot of the bands dance down the street as they're playing their instruments. Their style is kind of a mix between line-dancing and rhythmic stepping, and it was truly enjoyable to watch.

After two hours of listening to the bands play, I started to feel really dizzy and like I was going to pass out. It's been a long time since I've experienced a feeling like that, but Yaneth was so sweet to me. She sat me down in a restaurant before walking me back to the school. I think it's because I hadn't eaten anything, didn't sleep much the night before and was standing in the hot sun for hours. After I returned to La Union and ate a banana, I was fine though.

At school, I found out why Estela wasn't at the house today. Apparently, her nephew was riding in the back of an old pick-up truck (with several other kids) and the gas tank spontaneously combusted, which threw several of the kids to the ground. Her nephew, who was eleven, died in the accident. It's amazing the lack of safety standards here. There's constantly people in the backs of pick-up trucks and you'd be hard-pressed to find anybody on a motorcycle with a helmet. I think the US is a little too consumed with safety, but there seems to be a lot of preventable accidents (like Estela's nephew) here. I wonder if people have a different attitude about these sorts of things, like that they're sad, but they just sort of happen. They are, in a way, inevitable. I'm not sure, but I do know I feel really bad for Estela. Family seems to mean everything here, and I'm sure the loss of a child is almost unbearable.

In the evening, Miranda, Nery and I went to Central Park to watch the bands play again (some of them even played American music, including a group that performed their rendition of Lady GaGa's "Bad Romance"). There were so many people there! Of course, there was no shortage of balloons and fireworks either (which, as those who know me well, know I'm TERRIFIED of), but thanks to some Xanax and ear plugs, I wasn't terribly bothered by any of it.

Some pictures of the bands and festivities in the park:

To view more pictures of my trip, go check out my album on facebook.

My trip to Guatemala - Day 3

2010-10-30T08:52:00.000-07:00

September 14, 2010

I discovered today why there is only one knob on the shower: according to Yaneth, the majority of people in Guatemala don’t have hot water. I find it interesting that they get pay-per-view cable for free, but hot showers are an impossibility. For now, getting the shivers occasionally is okay, but I wonder how cold it will get as September draws to a close.

Class went well today; it was mostly talking and laughing with some new vocab thrown in. I realized that my brain learns my repetition and word association, and I’m having a hard time learning all the new words at once. For instance, the word for “shit” is “mierda” and the word for afraid is “miedo.” So, since they sound quite similar, I think to myself, “I’m afraid of shit” (Tengo miedo de mierda) to remember. If you’ve heard my sexy-devil-Halloween-costume story, then you most likely know this to be true. P.S. If you buy me a shot (or seven), I’ll tell you the story, complete with gruesome details.

In the afternoon, I decided to take a stroll to Central Park. I was told there would be a lot happening for Independence Day (which is tomorrow), but all I could see were people setting up a speaker system. So I decided to park myself on a bench and work on my homework. That didn’t last long as the sun was really hot, and people kept approaching me and trying to sell me earrings, bracelets and necklaces. I did get approached by a two-year-old boy who stared at me with a fascination that resembled (clichéd joke alert) the Amish in Best Buy. When his mom finally pulled him away, he blew me a kiss, and it was the cutest thing ever! So cute it made my ovaries hurt.

I find that the past two days have passed by slowly. It’s amazing how much time you have when you’re not running life’s daily errands. Not cooking, cleaning or grocery shopping frees up an incredibly amount of time. I don’t know how that makes me feel. On one hand, it makes me think there’s a reason food preparation take time, that it’s work to feed and nurture our bodies. However, sometimes, I think that I should cut my food prep time down so I can devote more time to other things in my life. But, that would probably mean eating Ramen and/or tv dinners every meal, and I don’t think I’m so down with that.

My trip to Guatemala - Day 2

2010-10-29T08:29:00.000-07:00

September 13, 2010

I woke up and met Estela, the woman who cooks for the students and looks after the guesthouse. She made me vegan pancakes that were quite delicious, and I also had a nice helping of fresh fruit.

After breakfast, she walked me to La Union, where I started my first day of class. After the first hour, it felt routine and like I'd been studying and living there for much longer than 24 hours.

My teacher's name is Yaneth. La Union features a one-on-one teacher/student program, so Yaneth and I spent the first hour conversing freely in Spanish. We talked about everything from the length of Catholic weddings to what one can do when her/his friend is dating someone who is clearly bad news. At one point, we even got into the topic of media bias. Granted, my teacher was speaking very slowly, but I was still shocked by how much I could understand. My Spanish is still very elementary, but what I do know came back quickly.

I did learn that when attempting to say the main industry in Detroit is auto production, don't use the word "coche" (which means car in some Spanish-speaking countries) while in Guatemala as it has a different meaning there. Apparently, I told my teacher that everyone in Michigan works "in pigs."

I was struck by how friendly people are in Antigua. While I had a break from school, I walked around a bit. An older man on the street immediately struck up a conversation with me when he pointed at my jacket and declared that it was too hot to be wearing such things. I smiled and attempted to explain that I get cold easily. He then told me he was originally from Spain and asked where I was from. When I told him the United States, he said, "Ah, the country without a name. The United States of what?" I answered, "America," to which he responded, "America is not just for the US. It's not a country; it's a continent. We're Americans, too. Your country has taken over that name."

I nodded my head in agreement and thought, "Yes, that's kind of what the US does...take things over."

After class, I went to an information session about volunteer opportunities the school has. It was supposed to be a group trip, but I was the only one who showed up. I was taken to a place that was a combination school and home for children with severe mental and physical disabilities. The children were out of school due to it being the week of Guatemala Independence. However, the project director gave me a tour of both the school and home.

Apparently, the majority of children at the home were abandoned by their parents and spend their nights in giant cribs (with ten kids to a room) and days lying on mats on the floor. One of the rooms we went in must have had 30 children in it, all on the floor, unable to move. It was such a sad sight, especially knowing that many of them have no families and this is all their lives are most likely going to be. I was comforted by the fact that the staff seemed to be very caring, but still, the evidence of the lack of resources for people with disabilities in poor countries was abundantly clear.

In the evening, I met my third housemate, a 28-year-old guy named Nery. His family is from Guatemala, but he grew up in the Bay Area of California. He knows Spanish already, so he's in Guatemala to, as he puts it, "learn the culture."

We chatted for a while before he suggested we go on a walk around town. He showed me where Central Park was located and also pointed out several bars and restaurants. I actually saw quite a few vegetarian joints along with a cute place called the Bagel Barn (a coffee shop full of people with their noses in books) that plays Spanish movies every night. It looked quite tranquil and like a lovely place to study. Coffee shops, studying and foreign films - wow, it feels like I'm in college again!

When we returned back to the house, we ate dinner and had a rather lengthy chat about MMA. Apparently, UFC pay-per-view is free and available in our rooms at the guesthouse. Between that and the Much Music Channel (Canada's equivalent of MTV that actually - gasp! - plays music) that Guatemalan cable features, I'm watching more tv here than I do at home. Stop the insanity!

Some shots of my school:

To view more pictures of my trip, go check out my album on facebook.

My trip to Guatemala - Day 1

2010-10-24T18:39:00.001-07:00

From September 12 - October 5, 2010, I went to Antigua, Guatemala. I went mostly to study Spanish and to take an extended vacation...and because I got the ticket for free on Spirit Airlines. No, they're not paying me to say this, but if you haven't flown Spirit, DO IT! They are super cheap (So cheap that they don't have Sky Mall magazine on their flights; instead they have Sky Dollar Store magazine. Hey-o!), and they have an excellent frequent flier program that enables you to get free air travel.

I kept a daily journal in a notebook while I was traveling, and I decided to type some of it and include it in this blog.

I've also included some photos that I took, and I posted an entire set (minus some embarrassing shots) over on facebook.

So, without further adieu:

September 12, 2010

As I was exiting my flight from Detroit to Fort Lauderdale, a woman, who reminded me of my mother, saw me reading my traveler's guidebook about Guatemala and asked, “Oh, are you going to Guatemala? I am, too.” We then had a two hour discussion about social justice while we waited for our flight to Guatemala City. She told me about building houses in Tijuana, Mexico, helping families plan funerals after their loved ones pass away and having a daughter who works on Microcredit in developing countries.

She told me she thinks of social justice as having two feet: one foot that provides immediate assistance/charity and the other that examines the root cause(s) of the problem. Only when you have both feet can you stand, and also move forward. I told her I hadn’t heard it described that way before but that I appreciated her sharing the analogy with me.

We critiqued the IMF and factory farming and pondered about remedies for Detroit’s poverty. We went on to speak about the demonization of immigrants and the cluelessness of gigantic SUV-drivers. I had originally intended to spend the time during my lay-over calling friends and family and letting them know I was safe, but I found it much more enjoyable to speak to a stranger, whose name I never did get, about hope and change.

I was nervous the entire flight to Guatemala, but I was calmed by a Canadian couple who now make their home outside of Guatemala City, where they go door-to-door trying to convert people to become Jehovah’s Witnesses (wonder how you say “watchtower” in Spanish?). They warned me that I would frequently see dogs on the street being mistreated (stones thrown at them, etc.) and it wasn’t long before I spotted neglected dogs for myself. When I exited the airport, there was one roaming the sidewalks nearby.

When I first left the airport’s main door, I didn’t see a sign with my name on it (as I was promised by the school). There seemed to be an endless sea of faces and signs with other names on them. Finally, after five minutes and turning down multiple offers for cabs, I spotted my name. I hopped in the shuttle bus and immediately began using Spanish. The driver and I spoke about basic things - where I was from, how long I was planning to stay, etc. We even managed to make each other laugh a few times.

After 45 minutes, he dropped me off and showed me to my room in the student guesthouse that I would call home for the next month. I was struck by the difference in architecture I saw (compared with the Midwestern structures I was used to). The house featured tin roofs, two terraces and areas with open ceilings.

Once in the house, I met Miranda, one of my housemates. She's originally from Texas and moved to Guatemala to lead eco-tours. She and I share a love for travel and need for movement and change, although I have a feeling she's more adventurous than I am.

I slept most of my first day as I was so exhausted from weeks of sleep deprivation. To my surprise and delight, I was able to sleep like a baby. I suppose that happens when you temporarily leave your daily life behind and your biggest worry is learning to conjugate irregular verbs like "poner."

Some shots of the guesthouse:

And the view from outside our front door:

Unlucky in the UP

2010-10-24T12:45:00.000-07:00

In September, I had the pleasure of working at two Kewadin casinos in Michigan's Upper Peninsula with my good friend, Dobie Maxwell. I met Dobie during one of my first paying gigs at a club that's now closed, an old Italian restaurant that hosted comedy shows on the weekend. We've remained friends ever since we first bonded over how hard shows can be when audience members are too busy stuffing their faces with bruschetta to laugh. Oh yeah, and his last name is also my middle name. Although we've been friends for several years, we rarely work together, so it was nice to be able to share the drive and the stage with him (and to commiserate over our harsh slot machine losses).

A shot from the drive there:

This was taken at a rest area, right before we saw a man dressed in head-to-toe hunting attire (complete with gun), trolling for deer along the freeway. We're not talking some little two-laner road either. No, I mean, he was hunting along the interstate! I wanted to take a picture, but feared he might get mad and try to shoot me. After all, I doubt the thin glass windows on Dobie's Camry would be any match for a rifle.

After we arrived, we took advantage of the buffet, performed some shows and got unlucky on the slots (think walking under a ladder while shattering a mirror sort of unlucky). An example of our misfortune:

Look where the line hit. Are you kidding me?!

Unfortunately, I didn't get any shots of Dobie and me, but I took plenty o' pictures of the Kewadin signs. Here's a couple for your viewing pleasure.

And some views of Lake Michigan from inside the casino:

It was a quick two-day trip, but it was nice to be able to catch up with Dobie, perform at new rooms and eat the crap out of the buffet's salad bar!

Thoughts on The Social Network (and social networking in general)

2010-10-18T15:03:00.000-07:00

This was originally posted on ZoiksOnline.com (and if you're not a regular visitor over there, by golly, what are you waiting for?).

Like thousands of other movie-goers who are suckers for flicks about friends stabbing each other in the back, I saw The Social Network this weekend. I enjoyed the film very much, and I encourage you to see it if you haven't.

In addition to creating a desire in me to Google image search pictures of the real characters in the film, it also made me start thinking about life pre-Facebook (which, for some people, is a bit like thinking about life pre-electricity).

I remember the days when you had to walk three miles, uphill, barefoot in the snow to stalk somebody. You couldn't just find out someone's relationship status in an instant; you had to ask around. You had to do some homework. And finding out if your ex is married or if s/he got ugly post-break-up was way harder than just clicking your mouse three times. You actually had to spend some time in the bushes or follow them home from the grocery store to establish that.

And what about the days when we wanted to pass time at work? There were no status updates to check; we were relegated to playing solitaire or taking trips to the vending machine to relieve our heads from mundane tasks or nagging bosses. Of course, there was also always the ever-so-popular activity of looking for other jobs.

Or remember when we just took pictures to show family and friends? Now it seems we take them solely to prove to fellow Facebook users (AKA strangers) that we have an abundance of friends, get invited to parties and that we're young, fun, happenin' people. After all, nothing says "life of the party" like taking breaks from keg-stands to hop on a laptop to create online photo albums.

So what can we learn from The Social Network (other than that people who use Live Journal are not to be trusted)? I think it serves as a nice reminder about what life was like before it centered on virtual connections with people. Pre-2003, we actually had to request to be someone's friend (gasp!) in person. And if we wanted to find out what someone was interested in or information about their political beliefs, we had to (again gasp!) ask them. So for a nice trip down memory lane, why not start talking to people face-to-face again?

And if we really want to live out old times, we can always hide and stalk people in the bushes. Just be careful though as branches are scratchy and can cause way more real-life injuries than they do in FarmVille.

Off to Guatemala

2010-09-12T08:26:00.000-07:00

I'm off to Guatemala for nearly a month. Since I've been asked several times, no, I'm not going there to do comedy. Although, if Guatemala turns out to be the Hollywood of Latin America, perhaps I will. First, I think I should learn the Spanish words for "comedian" and "funny." I know how to say "just kidding/I'm joking," but my ability to speak about my profession stops there.

I'm actually going there to take Spanish lessons and to experience another country. My love for travel knows no end, and I'm excited to go to a destination I haven't been before.

Also, I realized that I forgot how to conjugate verbs for the past and future tense, so I can only speak in the present. But as I was reminded yesterday, the present is a good place to be.

I look forward to posting pictures, writing about my adventures and sharing funny stories that are bound to happen as I will surely butcher the heck out of the language. But for now I'm going to relish my travels, the experience and the moment.

Hanging with the Hurricane

2010-09-09T07:16:00.000-07:00

I spent the week before Labor Day in the Outer Banks of North Carolina. Despite a hurricane threatening to come into town, my sunglasses getting stolen by waves (Apparently, the Atlantic Ocean has an affinity for ginormous sunglasses that make her look like a sorority girl or Jackie O.) and some shows getting canceled, I had a lovely time.

Some pictures from around town:

The Outer Banks (or OBX, if you’re nasty) features New England-style homes with huge decks and elaborate stilts. If you’re a Nicholas Sparks fan (and you might not want to admit it if you are), and you’ve seen Nights in Rodanthe, well, the entire area pretty much looks like the set of the movie. It’s quite beautiful.

Ed and Leslie own the comedy club, and when you work there, you stay at their house, which features this view:

They also have two awesome dogs named Girl and Buddy.

That’s Girl, who is fixated on some Harris Teeter hummus and praying for an unfortunate accident involving it meeting certain death on the floor.

I worked with Rob Brackenridge and Chris Coccia, and Rob and I took advantage of the Jacuzzi and kayaks.

The water we kayaked in was so still and calm, and as I approached hour seven (okay, hour two) in the hot tub (pictured on the left), I realized that I could definitely get used to boating and relaxing by day and telling jokes by night.

However, Hurricane Earl had other plans.

He threatened to come in on Thursday, which prompted a mandatory evacuation for all visitors.

Every major news network was in town (and staying at the hotel where the comedy club is located) to cover the storm. Al Roker was even there!

Before our last show of the week, Rob and I concocted a plan to get on camera (After all, if you can’t be on Comedy Central, you might as well try to get on the Weather Channel as a tv credit is still a tv credit). We decided that we would both put on our best Midwestern voices (he’s originally from Wisconsin, and I can do a fairly bang-up North Dakota accent, if I do say so myself) and run behind the camera while screaming that the apocalypse is coming. We were going for something along the lines of miming pulling our hair out while saying, “You betcha we’ve never seen storms like this! Cheese-n-rice, this is even scarier than the snow in Fargo!” However, right as we were about to execute said plan, some little kids ran in front of the cameras and did the exact same thing! Those little mofos stole our thunder! Bah!

Eventually, I had to flee with the masses.

Before I left, I got to perform at two shows, which were great fun. After Tuesday’s show, one of the audience members even bought me a drink, which she promptly drank herself after proclaiming me a lightweight and telling me I didn't drink it quickly enough. That’s definitely the first time I’ve been shown up in drinking by a sixty-something-year-old. I guess I need to practice.

I’ll close this entry with a portrait of me that Rob did during the week.

I’m contemplating using it as my new headshot. What do you think?

Merry in Merrillville

2010-08-17T10:18:00.000-07:00

In July, I had the chance to perform at Wisecrackers in Merrillville, Indiana for the first time. And I had a royal blast-o-roony!

The club is located in a Radisson Hotel, which is one of the fanciest hotels I’ve stayed in. It definitely beat the hell out of some of the “classier” joints I’ve been to that featured bathroom door-style locks, torn blankets and blood-stained pillow cases. Imagine my delight when I discovered my room actually contained a hair dryer!

My room also had a fancy tv.

I was even more excited when I turned it on and realized it actually worked. Can I get a “hellz yeah!” for free cable?

And a fancy bed.

My room even had a telephone in the bathroom.

Definitely a nice feature after a night of heavy drinking. Note to self: install phone in own bathroom.

The crowds were extremely energetic, and I had so much fun! I did get heckled though. A few times. And I can’t decide if it’s wrong that I was more offended by a heckler telling me I don’t look like I’m in my twenties than a drunken bachelor party attendee screaming “show me your tits.”

That’s the super hilarious (and very nice) Jef Brannan performing on stage.

When I wasn’t performing at the shows, I checked out some nature trails and sand dunes. P.S. I had no idea Indiana had any sand dunes; I thought it was mostly just home to conservatism and Walmarts. But, alas, it does, and I’m so glad I took extra time to explore them.

These pictures don’t do much justice to how pretty the beaches actually are. And, as you can tell, they featured trash cans o’ plenty! Nothing says beauty like gigantic blue barrels every 10 feet.

Between the fun crowds, awesome hotel and pretty scenery, I can’t wait to go back!

Williamsburgs

2010-07-31T11:40:00.000-07:00

At the end of June/beginning of July, I took a trip to the east coast. My travels took me to Virginia and New York (with some lovely bathroom breaks in Delaware and New Jersey).

Despite having lived 45 minutes away from it for a year, I had never traveled to Williamsburg, Virginia. So why not take an impromptu trip?

For those of you who haven’t been, Colonial Williamsburg is a revolutionary war-themed town complete with people dressed in period costumes, and bars, restaurants and shops that resemble those from the 1700’s. Although I highly doubt actual 1700’s stores would accept MasterCard. But, alas, who can turn down getting cash back while purchasing a toy musket?

What trip would be complete without a cheesy picture in the center of town?

You mean you’re not supposed to grin like you’re getting your senior pictures taken while being restrained in a stockade? Apparently, torture devices make some people happier than others. This was taken seconds before a kid yelled, “um, I don’t think you’re supposed to be happy in there. Quit smiling!” at me. Clearly, he’s not into bondage.

Me thinks the sign might be referring to a different kind of revolution. But, who doesn't like an excuse to raise their fist in the air and fight the power?

One of the overly priced drinks from Saturday night. Again, I question the authenticity of the drink. Not sure that dyed sugar cubes, champagne and maraschino cherries were common beverage fare in the 18th century, but after a couple of them, I was more concerned with the merry feeling in my head than I was about period accuracy.

In addition to people running around saying “The British are coming! The British are coming!,” Williamsburg also features scenic roads and hiking trails.

A view from one.

I'm not quite sure what was supposed to be interpreted. I was expecting to see some avant-garde statues in the middle of the hiking trail, but alas, all that we interpreted was the amount of sweat we were excreting due to the extreme heat.

The College of William and Mary also makes its home in Williamsburg. The campus was very pretty and scenic (complete with lush trees and old buildings). Did I capture any pictures of that? Um, no. But, I did manage to snap this extremely juvenile picture.

If that ain’t maturity, folks, I don’t know what is.

After leaving Williamsburg, Virginia, I headed up to Williamsburg, Brooklyn (notice a theme?). During the trip, my phone (which contains a GPS and written directions for my destination in Brooklyn) crapped out and was unable to hold a charge. So I had to get there the old-fashioned way: with an Atlas, many prayers and a few tears. It was 103 degrees when I drove to New York City, and my car has no air conditioning. But, the good part about sweating so much is, you don’t have to hit the john nearly as much. So I made quite good time!

My parking spot in Brooklyn.

This Hyundai was getting a bit frisky with my Civic, so I did what any good parent would do and told him to back the eff off! I also instructed some birds to crap on him, but, as you can see, they missed their mark and pooped on my car instead.

While in New York, I went to Food Swings (an amazing vegan restaurant in Williamsburg), had some delicious sushi, drank a lot and probably gained 15 pounds.

The aftermath of one of my nights there.

Nothing says class like vodka and Pepsi.

One of the many reasons I love New York - it's possible to get these at nearly every deli (way necessary after a night of drinking the worst vodka in the world).

After two weeks of being in states that touch the ocean, I headed back to good ol’ Michigan. Luckily, the trip home was cooler than the one there and I didn't sweat nearly as much.

Canada, Pride and New Kids (what else?)

2010-06-17T10:45:00.000-07:00

Last weekend, I performed at Leo’s Komedy Korner in Windsor, Ontario, Canada with the very funny Jeff Dwoskin and Leo Dufour.

Smiling despite getting held at the Canadian border for over an hour moments earlier. The guards were probably just in awe of my ginormous earrings. And when I say in awe of, I really mean, they were terrified I could hide weapons in them.

On Saturday, my good friend and fellow comic, Jeanine Watt, stopped by to catch up.

After two fun shows, I drove home in some of the worst storms I’ve ever seen in my life.

This is a text you never want to receive while driving on a suspension bridge.

But, alas, I survived the storm, woke up the next morning and attended Motor City Pride (read: I parked my butt in the Beer Garden and drank entirely too much Bud Light Lime).

I did manage to take a break from beer-drinking to snap some pictures.

The Necto outside. Just like the dance club, except without people getting it on in the bathroom.

My favorite t-shirt I saw at the festival (although being Scottish might make me slightly biased).

After sobering up, I drove four hours to Hammond, Indiana to see the New Kids on the Block again. Will seeing my favorite guys from Boston ever get old? Not a chance.

Per usual, they were fabulous. Having a DJ with them really added a different dimension to their sound, and I loved how they performed “My Favorite Girl” to the music of Bell Biv Devoe’s “Poison.” Joe McIntyre’s combo rendition of “Twisted” and the Eurythmics’ “Sweet Dreams” was top notch, too!

Where are Danny‘s sunglasses? Perhaps he either wasn’t hung over from the night before, or he’s not a big Corey Hart fan.

Okay, so maybe it’s not just Danny. Perhaps Jordan and Joe were trying to camouflage being high or having crow’s feet.

Performing their acoustic rendition of “Single.”

During Joe’s performance of “Twisted/Sweet Dreams” (AKA: during the time I was nearly hyperventilating).

The conclusion of his performance (AKA: when I had to put my head between my legs and breathe into a paper bag).

After the show, I drove back to Ann Arbor. Ahem, well, immediately concluding the show, I stopped by the emergency room for a quick trip to regulate my breathing, but then I drove three hours home. I kid, I kid. I didn’t stop by the emergency room, but it was a pretty long drive back. Luckily, I had my ipod full of New Kids to provide some entertainment on the ride home.

Thoughts on the burning of Jesus

2010-06-16T12:06:00.001-07:00

Hey all! And by all, I mean, the six of you that read this thing.

Here's a link to the latest article I just wrote for Zoiks! Online.

It's about Jesus. Does that make you want to read it? What about if I agree to follow you on twitter, like you on facebook and buzz you up on yahoo? Would you read it then? Okay, okay, final offer: what if I give you five dollars? Interested now?

I thought so.

Now would also be a good time to plug Zoiks! Online. As its website proclaims, it's an entertainingly humorous magazine. I write there regularly as do a lot of funny peeps.

So, if you haven't already, check it out!

And send me your address so I can mail your bribe money.

My review of the NKOTB cruise

2010-05-28T06:29:00.000-07:00

On May 14, 2010, I went on the official New Kids on the Block cruise. This is also the anniversary of the day that Danny Wood first graced the world with his presence. I wrote a review of my time on the ship that was originally posted on Zoiks Online, but I figured I'd post it here too.

If you'd like to see all of my pictures from the trip, they're on facebook. Normally, I would post them all on here, but frankly, I'm way too lazy. Plus, I'm a bit of a friend whore, and I enjoy collecting e-pals. For those of you who need some immediate boy band eye-candy, I did include a few pictures at the end.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At last, the review everyone has been waiting for is finally complete. I know the masses out there have been holding their collective breath and anticipating a summary of my trip on the second annual New Kids on the Block cruise. And by masses, I mean 22 people. Well, I have finally stopped hyperventilating, and I am happy to share a full report from the S.S. Squealing Like a 12-Year-Old.

For those of you pondering if the New Kids on the Block (NKOTB, if you’re nasty) are even still around, allow me to provide some background information. Danny Wood, Donnie Wahlberg, Joe McIntyre, Jon and Jordan Knight were members of the most well-known boy band in the late 80’s/early 90’s. They broke up in 1994, reunited in 2008, released another album (appropriately titled “The Block”) and have been touring ever since. If you’d like more information about them (including birthdates, middle names, height/weight, etc.), email me directly. And in case you’re wondering, they definitely still have “The Right Stuff” (Sorry, I couldn’t resist). After all, they did sell out the O2 Arena in London and they can still do the running man with the best of them. So please, save the Old Men on the Block jokes for at least another 15 years.

The cruise featured concerts, meet and greet opportunities, themed deck parties (by the way, mixing Bud Light with all white clothing will turn a white party into a beige party very quickly), beach and trivia games hosted by the Kids and 2,000 screaming women. Ahem, make that 1,990 screaming women, 5 screaming men and another 5 bored men (who I presume were husbands along for the ride). While I have been a fan for more than twenty years, the other cruise attendees’ fandom made mine pale in comparison. I may have followed them around the country, but my obsession stops at knowing all of their bodyguards’ social security numbers and shoe sizes.

I was shocked by how accessible all of the Kids were. They strolled the Lido deck, grabbed snacks from the ship’s cafeteria and swam in the ocean (once we were docked, of course) without getting harassed. I’m sure there were some women who had slight heart attacks upon seeing them, but everyone managed to keep their cool and nobody mobbed them or attempted to grab them in their no-no spots. One of my favorite moments of the cruise was when I was on the glass elevator and spotted Joe McIntyre (my favorite New Kid). I immediately got off at the next floor, raced down the stairs to find him and asked him for a picture. My mom, who was also along for the boy band extravaganza, immediately became a fan upon meeting Joe. “He rubbed my back while we were taking the picture!” she screamed. And then we shared a beautiful (read: slightly pathetic) mother-daughter bonding moment of gushing over a pop singer.

Since there is another one booked for next year, you might be asking yourself, “who should go on a New Kids on the Block cruise?“ Or you might just be pondering when the cast of “The Jersey Shore” is finally going to go away. Well, I can’t help you with the latter, but I can certainly provide you a list of the former.

1. Straight (or hetero-curious), single men who are attracted to obsessive women. Bonus points if you look like Donnie.

2. Anyone who enjoys the song “Shots” by Lil Jon, as it was played nearly on repeat and was the cruise’s unofficial anthem.

3. Members of other has-been boy bands. After all, the New Kids don’t have time to hook up with every passenger. So if you’re from Take That, Five or the Guys Next Door, there’s a pretty good chance you might score on board.

4. People who love the 80’s. If you’re looking for a place to bust out some shoulder pads and over-permed hair, the New Kids cruise is for you!

5. Kate Brindle.

6. Generous people who would like to finance Kate Brindle’s trip. Said people also receive the high privilege and distinct honor of watching me fist pump to “Shots.”

When I disembarked from the ship, I almost immediately began having withdrawals from singing “Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Hangin’ Tough” (while waving my hands in the air like I just don’t care, of course). While waiting for my flight, I overheard a woman talking about “texting Jordan.” I nearly gasped. She was texting the Jordan Knight? I quickly tapped her on the shoulder and said, “Oh my God! You know Jordan Knight? Were you on the New Kids cruise?” She burst into a grin and said, “no, no, my son’s name is Jordan. I was talking to him.”

Ah! Apparently not everyone is nearly as obsessed with the New Kids on the Block as I am. Something tells me my mother might be now though.

My mom and me with Joseph Mulrey McIntyre. AKA The man I've loved for twenty-one years. AKA Perfection. Okay, so I'm *slightly* gushing and I'm a bit obsessed, but you must admit, the man does have some amazing clavicles...

Meeting them for the second time. I didn't get to stand next to Joe as he was already "claimed."

Lovebirds.

Count on receiving a formal wedding announcement by July.

I'm quite the expert at cropping photos to make them look like the person I'm pictured with actually knows me. Not trying to brag, but Danny Wood did make brief eye contact with me...and he didn't seem nearly as put off by my sweat as he did when I met him last year.

Count on receiving a formal wedding announcement by July.

Arriving

2010-05-27T03:59:00.000-07:00

My most recent road adventure took me to four states in two different time zones and featured performing in a comedy contest, traveling to Amish country for the first time, prank calling and needing a translator to understand hecklers in the deep South.

My first stop was a comedy contest in Columbus, Ohio. Well, to be fair, it was slightly outside of Columbus, Ohio, but I can't remember the name of the town right now (much like a lot of the places I perform), and I'm pretty sure they root for Ohio State, so Columbus will have to suffice. I didn't get a chance to take any pictures of the actual contest, but I did snap a quick picture of the facade of the venue:

See? Proof that I was there.

I advanced to the semi-finals in the contest, however, I had to withdraw due to being out of town and having other gigs on the nights of the semis. Boo, hiss. Oh well, here's hopin' I can do the contest next year and win over some Buckeyes.

On Friday and Saturday, I performed at Stitches Comedy Club in Lancaster, Pennsylvania for the first time. The club is located in the heart of Amish country. Amish stuff, as seen here, is all the rage:

Apparently, etc. is also in high demand.

Stitches is located in a hotel that has a golf course and walking trail, which I took advantage of during my stay. These are some shots from my Saturday morning walk:

Also staying at the hotel during the weekend were drum and bugle core convention attendees and Great Pyrenees show dogs. So during my walk, I felt like I was on set of both "Best in Show" and "Stripes."

After Lancaster, I headed down to my ol' stomping grounds of Norfolk, Virginia. While I was in town, I got to do an open mic at the New Belmont. It was great to catch up with old friends and see the funny peeps of Hampton Roads. It was in Norfolk that some pretty kick-ass prank calling happened too. I don't think I've ever mentioned it on this blog, but if there's one thing I love nearly as much as the New Kids on the Block, it's prank calling. And I'm happy to report that three prank calls were successfully pulled off. I'm shocked anyone answers unrecognized numbers any more, but I am so very glad they do. Perhaps if stand-up doesn't take off, I might have a future as a Jerky Girl.

I also got a chance to walk the beach, which was most enjoyable.

I do have toes, they're just very shy.

After Norfolk, I headed to Alabama to perform at the Del Ranch.

My name in fancy lights. Not sure how I feel about wifi getting billing over my name, but still, something tells me I have arrived!

Not only that, but Steve Sabo and I got to sign boobages.

Allow me to repeat myself, I have arrived!

Audience members were also treated to me modeling the thong underwear Steve sells after shows.

In case you're wondering, yes, I have a matching pair underneath. If you're looking to pick-up a pair (they make great presents for grandma), you can go visit SteveSabo.com.

After performing at the Del Ranch, Steve and I drove to Huntsville to hang out with friends, Scott, Jaci, Eric and Spencer. This is also where we watched Iron Man 2 and UFC 113...and consumed too much alcohol. Oh yeah, and I kicked some major booty at trivia:

If you're curious about why that's my name, stop by one of my one-nighter shows. You’ll be treated to a riveting story about cross-country travel, sexy devil Halloween costumes and lack of bowel control.

I’m not quite sure how to conclude this post, or if a conclusion is even necessary, so I will once again say, I have arrived! This time, as a trivia master.

VegFest and Lil Jon

2010-04-28T05:59:00.000-07:00

Last weekend was a lovely combination of many of the things I love in life: vegan food, activism, laughter and, of course, Joey McIntyre. Oh yeah, and songs by Lil Jon about boozing it up.

I worked at Connxtions Comedy Club in Lansing, Michigan, which is one of my favorite places to work. Not only are the audiences usually fun, but they have one of the most kick-ass staffs around!

That’s Tom Slovinski (also a comic) acting out the official dance for the weekend. I’m calling it “the shot” after the song “Shots” by LMFAO (featuring Lil Jon). If you haven’t heard the song, picture Lil Jon screaming the word “shots” over and over again over loud thumpa thumpa music. Brilliant, no?

I also worked with Richie Holliday. Or as I prefer to refer to him as: Joey McIntyre’s doppelganger. These pictures really don’t do the resemblance justice, but let’s just say I had a hard time calling him by his actual name. And when he showed on Friday with a fedora, it took everything in my power not to demand that he sing “Please Don’t Go Girl.”

Does having two fans on his arms make him look more like Joey? Insert your own “yes, because Joey only has two fans left” jokes here.

Another shot of Joey, ahem, I mean Richie. This time with headliner, Mike Lucas, in their “let’s take this show on the road” comedy duo pose.

The crowds were nice all week, although I learned that crowds comprised of bikers aren’t generally too receptive to women’s studies and PETA jokes. Who would have thunk it? And I also got to host my first fake orgasm contest. I was just thankful I didn’t have to be in it as I like to save my fake orgasms for the privacy of my own home. Or the privacy of my own pay-by-the-minute phone sex line. Ah, I kid, I kid. But, yes, hosting the contest was definitely better than being in it.

On Sunday, I volunteered at VegFest in Ferndale, Michigan. If you haven’t been, you really must go next year. The annual event features cooking demonstrations, speakers, workshops, tons of exhibitors and lots of yummy food samples. This year, I was given the duty of escorting John Salley (former Detroit Piston and NBA Champion), who was one of the featured speakers. I showed him around the event and led him to the auditorium and area where he signed autographs. Not trying to brag, but I think my menacing and intimidating look is also why I was selected for this job. After all, if stalkers showed up, I think they wanted someone who means business. And nothing says means business like Kate Mother F’ing Brindle. Am I right? I really think I have a future in event security. And if that goes well, perhaps they’ll do a remake of The Bodyguard staring yours truly. Although I’d like to politely request that Whitney Houston be replaced by Justin Bieber as I’d so much rather guard and protect at a Teen Beat convention than I would at a crack house.

That’s John and one of the event organizers/VegMichigan members, Peter Fulda.

I saw a lot of old friends at VegFest, and it was wonderful to catch up with them! Plus, being at a huge event full of other vegans and activists was really inspiring. Oh yeah, and I got to hug a cow!

That’s Bessie, er, I mean, Daniel, another VegMichigan member. Daniel and I know each other from Veg Ann Arbor, so it was nice to catch up…and discuss the joys of wearing mascot costumes (especially ones where people feel entitled to grab your udders).

Pole-dancing and Ali G.

2010-04-20T09:38:00.000-07:00

On Tuesday, I performed at Snappers in Fenton, Michigan, and what an adventure it was! How can you not love performing at a place with a stripper pole in the middle of the stage? Plus, there were lots o’ comics on the show, and it’s always nice to see multiple funny people that you know, and meet new ones that you don’t.

I worked with headliner, Fred Potter.

I also worked with Aaron Campbell Dunlap (who did a guest set) and Jimmy and Jason from Penis Philben (the MC’s). Sidenote: Penis Philben and I are hitting the road in the fall, when I’ll be known as Kathie Lee Vagina.

That’s Kevin, the awesome DJ who honored most of my cheesy music requests (Although he drew the line at “Hangin’ Tough.”).

Penis Philben, Fred Potter and a frightened woman who was trying to adjust her rings and exit the bathroom anonymously without entering anyone’s pictures that will later appear on a blog and/or facebook. Drat. No such luck.

The show was a lot of fun! Midway through the show, Fenton’s equivalent of Ali G. walked in and sat in the front row. Picture Ali G., only blonde, and wearing a red winter vest instead of a vinyl track suit. I wish I had a picture of him in his get-up as it was quite brilliant.

Also, as I was entering my closing bit, a woman got dragged out by security (kicking and screaming) for confronting what I presume to be an ex-boyfriend in the front row. I don’t mind people going psycho, in fact, I kind of enjoy it. However, it’s ideal when they can throw tantrums within the first15 minutes of my act as opposed to during my last joke. So flail, punch and claw until your heart’s content, just not when I launch into my dating material (my last couple of bits). Because if I don’t get a laugh on those, I resort to telling knock-knock jokes to close the show out.

The real fun started when I got off stage. Upon walking back to my seat, I was approached by a gentleman who told me his wife just passed away, and that he was out for one of the first times since her death. He told me that I made him laugh and got his mind off of her for the evening. When I shook his hand, he slipped a fifty dollar bill in it! That was super nice of him (especially since homegirl is mega-broke right now), but the compliment meant more than the money. He then invited me on his pontoon boat this summer. Hellz yeah! One of my goals for the summer was to make friends with a boat-owner, and it looks like I already accomplished that one by April. Now I only have getting better at rollerblading, meeting Joe McIntyre again and learning Spanish to check off the old listy pooh.

Not only did he give me a tip, but he bought several rounds of drinks for all the comics. I followed Penis Philben’s lead and drank rum and Cokes. Holy Mother! I’m way too used to Bud Light, as I was feeling no pain about three drinks in. Proof that I was a bit toasted? I tipped blonde Ali G. as he pole-danced.

Nothing says sex appeal like dirty socks! Hot dayumn! Unfortunately, this picture was taken after he ditched the Ali G. garb.

And I danced. Not only did I dance, but I persuaded strangers to do the lawnmower with me. And I showed some fellow dancers the dental floss. Good Lord, I’m sure we looked ridiculous! At least we only did the shopping cart for a minute or two. Even I have some standards.

I also requested nearly every song on the Top Ten Songs White People Love List. How sweet that Kevin indulged my terrible taste in music and actually played most of them.

Here's hoping that the good people of Fenton will remember my set...and not my atrocious dancing!

BG

2010-04-11T11:23:00.000-07:00

On Tuesday, I performed at Grumpy Dave’s in Bowling Green, Ohio. It’s one of my favorite places to perform. I dig the young crowds, supportive regulars, nearby bars (where long islands flow for two whole bucks) and yummy vegetarian restaurant (named after a hamster). Plus, there are always a lot of Toledo area comics who show up to hang out.

I enjoyed my set (which featured impromptu references to porn and prostitution), and I had a blast watching the other comics on stage too (Bill Bushart, one of my favorites, headlined).

Sheila and Ashley came down from Connxtions Comedy Club to check out the show. It was great to see them (and their adorable hair).

The whole Toledo comedy crew (and one fake-tanned, honorary member from Ann Arbor).

Scott Putnam and Kevin Serres (who MCed the show).

Comedy 101: learning to mug for the camera to create the illusion of spontaneity and/or having a blast (this skill comes in particularly handy after bombing or when there are three audience members at a show).

Demonstrating a rear-naked chokehold on Steve Sabo. He tapped out 2 seconds later.

Oh, for North Dakota!

2010-04-10T08:42:00.000-07:00

Last week, I hit the road with Steve Sabo, and we did a run in Minnesota and North Dakota. After a 17 hour drive, our first stop was the Black Cat in Thief River Falls, Minnesota. No pictures from that night, but our show was the last one of the season so there was a great turn-out.

Next up? The Ramada Inn in Grand Forks. Ooh la la, Mama loves performing in the same place as she stays (especially when generous audience members keep the shots-a-flowin’). The highlight of the night: Steve calling me on stage during his set and forcing me to tell a three minute story about pooping my pants (and sitting in it for 8 hours). I am now officially shameless. If you’d like to hear said story, come to a show as it’s quickly becoming a regular bit.

We met a couple University of North Dakota students (including a woman who was also named after Katharine Hepburn, like yours truly), who we ended up hanging out with for a while after the show. We also met local celebrity, “Flower Lady,” who gave us very natural-looking blue carnations (sky-colored flowers occur in the wild, no?).

Thursday-Saturday, we worked at Courtney’s Comedy Club in Fargo/Moorhead.

A sign from inside the club. It was completely adorable to hear people say phrases like, “Oh, for funny” or “Oh, for cute.” Oh, for North Dakota accents!

The audiences were so great! They were wonderful laughers and really nice people too. We hung out with several cool people and watched the post-show karaoke nearly every night (My favorite rendition was a version of “Because I Got High” performed by a man that looked like the combination of the Unibomber and a college professor). We even met a Canadian hockey team, who we eventually leg-wrestled (I would like to state for the record that I beat one of them twice. Sure, he was drunk, practically falling down and an amputee, but I still beat him! Okay, okay, so the amputee part was a joke and he probably let me win, but I’m still going to gloat away.).

Despite the flexed muscles and graffiti background indicating otherwise, this is not a post-street fight victory shot. That's headliner Steve Sabo, MC JD Provorse and me with two audience members after one of our shows.

Courtney’s is yet another comedy club that’s attached to a hotel (score!). The hotel also features a mini-golf course, which Steve and I took advantage of.

Is the “squatting-like-you’re-taking-a-dump” stance legal?

Despite me being in the lead until the 9th hole, Steve ended up beating me. Rather than putting his way through the last hole, he decided to chip (another questionably legal move) and beat me by 2 strokes. Grr. A rematch is definitely in order.

While North Dakota has beautiful skies and nice people (with cute accents), it wasn’t the most vegetarian-friendly state I’ve been to.

Check out the heart attack roll at a sushi bar we went to:

And I actually saw this on the shelf at a gas station:

Potted meat product? Oh, for disgusting!

But, despite having to hunt for veggie options (no pun intended), it’s still a pretty fun place that I’d like to go back to soon.

Lovin' on Asheville

2010-04-05T16:21:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago, I returned to the south for the first time since moving back to Yankee country in January. The weather couldn’t have been more perfect, and it was definitely nice to be back in a town that sounds like an obscenity depending on how you say it (I’m referring to Norfolk, Virginia, or Nawfick, as the locals say). I swear, it took me a good three months to tell people where I lived without sounding like I was dropping the F bomb.

I spent St. Patrick’s Day at a bar on the beach with the Reverend Warren Dean. Greenies, the bar we went to, did not live up to its name as they ran out of green beer in the morning. I guess if you want to get drunk on booze and food coloring, you’ve got to show up early. They still had Bud Light on tap (thank everything holy!), which I enjoyed thoroughly.

The Reverend.

P.S. If you like to watch videos of people getting tased, check out his website, where you can see him get pumped full of electricity.

Laughter and/or prayer: what happens upon drinking beer on the beach at 1 pm on St. Patrick's Day.

At the end of the week, I traveled to Asheville, North Carolina to work at the Funny Business Comedy Club. What an amazing city! I think I fell in love with it upon exiting my vehicle. Well, in fairness, first, I probably peed and stretched my legs, but after that, nothing but smitten city for me.

The town reminded me a lot of Ann Arbor, only with more mountains and less crap weather. It seemed really LGBTQ-friendly, had a delicious veggie restaurant and even had a progressive kids clothing store (that sold t-shirts that said, “Anarchy in the Pre-K”). Plus, there was a peace rally that took place directly across the comedy club.

And…another reason it’s the shiznit:

Yet another reason:

In case it’s unclear, that’s Drew pulling a Vanna White and displaying a vegetarian starter kit stand on one of Asheville’s streets (All contestants who walk by receive lovely parting gifts in the form of free vegetarian recipes and information on the health benefits of going vegan).

The shows at the club were a lot of fun! Smart, lefty crowds, which are always enjoyable. It was a whirlwind trip as I had to get back to the Midwest for shows in North Dakota the next week. But, I wish I could have stayed longer. It was such a beautiful, relaxed place, and I didn’t want to leave. I contemplated throwing a fit in the middle of the hotel parking lot, but decided against it as I really didn't want to get picked up, shoved in the car and told that I’m not allowed to watch Dora the Explorer for two whole weeks for pulling such antics. So instead, I sucked it up, drank a boatload of caffeine and helped make the drive back to Virginia.

Asheville, I’ve got your number. So be expecting a call…and a second date.

I heart hooded sweatshirts

2010-04-04T07:22:00.000-07:00

In mid-March, I did double duty in Lansing, Michigan. By day, I was a protesting animal cruelty fighter on the street, and by night, I was a joke-slinging comedian at Connxtions Comedy Club.

My friend, Mitch (who runs Students Promoting Animal Rights at Michigan State University) informed me that the Royal Hanneford Circus was scheduled to perform on MSU’s campus. This circus has been cited numerous times for violations of the Animal Welfare Act, and in previous years, there have been major demonstrations against them bringing their cruel show to the university. So I was eager to get involved and let people know how the circus really treats animals. The circus rips animals from their natural habitat, forces them to live most of their lives chained inside of trailers that are trucked across hundreds of miles, and then forces them to perform under the constant threat of punishment. For more information, please visit: http://www.circuses.com.

We held a demonstration outside of a local elementary school, where we gave away coloring books that educate children about the sad realities animals face in the circus.

Depending on the availability of food, tigers in the wild secure a territory of 75 to 2,000 square miles. A circus cage is about 4’x5’. The only exercise tigers get is when they are forced to perform. The acts tigers are forced to endure do not mimic natural behaviors.

Circus elephants are kept in chains for 95 percent of their lives and tigers are kept in chains 22 hours out of the day.

Later in the week, we held a protest outside of the Breslin Center on opening night. Two news stations went live from the event!

The unstoppable Mitch Goldsmith.

One of the highlights of the evening was turning a family of four away from the circus. I approached the dad, politely asked him if he wanted a leaflet, he looked it over and asked me what I’d like him to do. I explained that we’re asking people to help put an end to animal cruelty by boycotting circuses that use animals in their acts. He read more of the leaflet, gathered his family together and headed back for their car.

A small, but sweet victory!

After the protests, I performed at Connxtions Comedy Club all weekend.

On stage (most likely mid-sentence).

Power blazer in full effect, yo!

Hanging with fellow comic, Amaru (and modeling the sweatshirt he sells).

More modeling (this time with Jim Holder, the headliner).

Lobbying and snow protesters

2010-04-03T12:14:00.000-07:00

On a snowy day in February, I traveled to Michigan’s capital to take part in Humane Lobby Day (a day organized by the Humane Society where constituents meet with their elected officials to speak about bills that affect animals). There, I met with my representative and senator and asked them to support two pieces of legislation: one bill that would make it illegal to own primates as pets, and another that would regulate puppy mills. Luckily, I have a supportive senator and representative, so speaking to them about these bills was not a tough sell at all. To get involved with these two issues (or other animal issues in your community), please visit: http://www.humanesociety.org/issues/

While I’ve traveled to the capital before to meet with my elected officials, I had never watched a session of congress. So I gladly accepted the opportunity to observe. It was a lot less formal than I thought it would be. And certain members of the house appeared to be more interested in consuming their lattes and text-messaging than they were in actually making laws. Perhaps I am mistaken though as there might have been a bill that sought to regulate the number of text messages one can send while sitting at Starbucks (I would be in full support of this, by the way. After all, could it be more annoying to be reading or writing at a coffee shop while your neighbor’s phone is constantly blowing up?). I also pictured more podiums. And more members having Mitt Romney-esque hair. The whole process seemed a bit like organized chaos, but it was still quite exciting to see how laws are actually introduced and passed.

And now, onto the pictures.

The capital building. Duh.

And some views from inside the joint:

Congress in session.

Who doesn’t love a protesting snowperson? Even if they are scary and angry-looking and carrying signs with spelling errors.

Mitten Shows

2010-03-29T20:55:00.000-07:00

After I returned from Las Vegas, I did shows in Michigan during the remainder of February. As much as I love the free cable and hot tubs (and, for the love of everything holy, let’s not forget the sample-sized bottles of shampoo and conditioner) that hotels feature, being in my own bed is pretty fantastic (especially since I’ve upgraded from a futon to an actual mattress and box-spring).

I performed at the Odawa Casino for the first time. I didn’t get any pictures inside the showroom, but it was white, circular and looked like something the Jetsons would frequent. It was pretty cool in a futuristic sort of way, and the crowd was a lot of fun.

I did, however, get some shots of the façade of the building and outside signage.

See? Proof that I was there (and that I endured more of Michigan’s snow).

Taken on the drive home:

Dear Northern Michigan, I have no idea how you created this, but I find your work most impressive.

And I am happy to report, I did not lose a single cent gambling (and I received a tip after the show to boot!).

During the following week, I worked at Joey’s Comedy Club in Livonia, Michigan. I had the pleasure of sharing the stage with my good buddy, Keith Lenart, Ty Barnett and Dave Mishevitz. I had never met Ty and Dave before, but they are both very funny peeps and super nice guys.

Keith's set inspired him to sit on my lap, explain that he's been "so good this year," and tell me what he'd like for Christmas. Despite his pleas, nothing but coal for him. Insert evil laugh here.

With Ty and Dave. Apparently, someone didn't get the "make a silly face" memo and instead went with the tried and true "Glamour Shots" face.

On Friday, Alisa, one of my friends from high school, came to the show with her husband, Dan. It was great to catch up with them…and it’s quite nice to hear a familiar laugh in the crowd (especially from a person who can identify with what you’re joking about, such as being from a town that’s so small they place cows on the football field and take bets on which yard line said cows will defecate on).

I always enjoy working at Joey’s, and my most recent stint there was a lot of fun. We had a few sold-out performances, did three shows on Saturday…and during one of the shows, my earrings were heckled. I’ve been heckled for many things, but never for the metal that hangs from my earlobes. Something to take note of, I suppose. Luckily, what could have turned into him calling my jewelry ugly, turned into a 30 second plug for the store where I purchased it. Accordingly, I think someone at Forever 21 owes Table #17 guy and me some commission. I’ll gladly accept mine in the form of Bud Light and scratch-off lottery tickets.

What happens in Vegas...makes a nice, cliche title for this blog entry

2010-03-26T11:08:00.000-07:00

At the beginning of February, I took my first vacation in a year (save some brief trips to visit family or stalk the New Kids on the Block).

Since Spirit Airlines has mega-cheap flights to Vegas, I figured why not? I am happy to report that I only lost $3.00 on gambling the entire time I was there. I lost significantly more at the bar, but we won’t go into that.

The trip consisted mostly of walking up and down the strip (with alcohol in hand, of course), catching a show, tracking down Elvis impersonators (this is a must, no?) and reveling in the warm weather (I do believe 50 degrees constitutes flip-flop climate).

The key to making a 4 1/2 hour flight go by quickly? A Snuggie...and Spirit's cheap beer specials!

On the plane. Let the alcoholism commence!

Where I snored and drooled for four nights.

For $28.00, you too can stay in a palace.

Why, yes, I did pay entirely too much to drink out of the Eiffel Tower. So glad we Americanized Paris with slot machines, buffets and huge amounts of liquor.

This pretty much sums up my trip: casinos, booze and posing for corny pictures.

Shocked or excited by women in lingerie? You be the judge.

The Planet Hollywood Buffet. Bad idea.

Post-buffet food coma.

Sammy Hagar makes tequila. For $53, a bartender will combine it with 100 ounces of blue slurpee, and put the whole mess in a plastic guitar. This should be illegal.

Tuning or reliving my college days?

Hangover in the making.

The Paris Casino. Pretty self-explanatory.

More Paris.

Senior portrait reenactment at the Bellagio.

Plant-life makes Todd smile.

Epitome of maturity outside of Caesar’s Palace.

Part of the strip at night.

More Paris.

A view from the top of the Eiffel Tower. Unless you like feeling as though you might plummet to your death in an elevator, I don’t recommend going up. The view was pretty though.

Who is this creep?

The Venetian…and some random dude who walked through my picture.

More Venetian.

The Venetian's ceiling.

The Venetian's ceiling along with our mugs. Woot for cameras with self-timers.

Posing with fake people.

Just like actual Venice, except with way more gluttony, souvenirs and fanny packs.

Inside the Venetian.

During the trip, I went to the Wynn for the first time. Fancy schmancy pants!

Todd getting his brain sucked out at the oxygen bar.

Taking an oxygen hit, getting a massage from a gadget that resembled an ipod and having endorphins delivered to my brain via a vibrating coat hanger. Holy wow!

Serious flippin’ dork.

Todd displays his big win. Don't spend that 9 cents all in one place!

Another shot of the strip.

Allow me to repeat myself: serious flippin’ dork. This time outside of the Luxor.

The very last day, I finally found Elvis. What would a trip to Vegas be without him?

Not sure that this is going to happen at the casino, but still a cool sign. And one of my favorite words.

A fun trip overall, but I think I’ve had my fill of overindulgence for at least a month or two. Who knows though? By April, I might be ready to go back and play blackjack while being force-fed shots, vegan mashed potatoes and dark chocolate, while simultaneously being hooked up to a cocaine drip and getting a foot massage.

Ode to Clif Bars

2010-02-26T10:34:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling quite poetic today.

Hence, I give you "Ode to Clif Bars" (written in Haiku form).

Vegan, healthy, yum.
Makes a total slob like me,
feel like a hiker.

For Lent

2010-02-16T09:56:00.000-08:00

Happy Give-Up-Your-Favorite-Item Eve (AKA Happy Lent)! P.S. Is it appropriate to say “Happy Lent” when Lent represents the forty days Jesus spent in the desert being tempted by Satan?

If being tempted by Satan means gluttony and debauchery, then yes, I think this does represent a very happy time. Especially if said gluttony and debauchery represent things like free beer, reality television and teen pop music.

On a serious note though, I find it curious that people avoid meat every Friday during this time, but still eat fish. Whenever I’ve asked someone who participates in this ritual the meaning behind it, they’ve been unable to articulate an answer. Enter my trusty sidekick, Wikipedia.

I’m still clueless why only Fridays are meat-free and why fish (living, breathing, feeling animals) don’t count as “meat,” but my sidekick explained that not eating meat is a symbol of abstinence and sacrifice, which replicates the way Jesus sacrificed for humankind.

So if people want to follow Jesus’s lead, doesn’t that mean we should practice compassion toward all beings? There is nothing compassionate about factory farms or slaughterhouses where billions of animals live miserable lives and are killed in violent, bloody ways.

Also, wouldn’t Jesus’s compassion extend to fish? Fish feel pain, just as we do and lead complex intellectual lives that rival those of dogs and some other mammals. Methods used in commercial fishing to catch and kill the animals are as cruel as those used by factory farmers or slaughterhouse operators. In fact, the methods used to kill fish indicate that commercial fishers see their prey as no more sentient than rocks on a mountain—and the horrible cruelty that they inflict on hundreds of billions of fish is completely unregulated.

During Lent (and during every other day of the year), we have a choice when we sit and eat. Our food choices can either add to the violence, misery and death in the world, or we can decide to extend compassion to all of God’s creatures by refusing to support their torture. And by refusing to eat them.

What better way to model Jesus’s compassion then to stop eating animals? For more information, visit goveg.com.

Now, since it’s still technically Fat Tuesday, back to drinking and exposing our bodies in exchange for beads!

Laughter and Screams

2010-01-31T13:51:00.001-08:00

My return to Michigan started with seeing Mr. Perfection Personified, Joey McIntyre, perform at the Magic Bag. The concert featured a guest rap by a male fan, a strip tease by Joey and a slowed-down rendition of “Cover Girl.” Fellow concert-goers were also treated to multiple screams by yours truly.

About to enter my happy place.

Joe hoping not to pop a blood vessel.

A shot from his encore.

My first feature show in 2010 was at Jack’s in Spring Lake, Michigan. There, I worked with Davin.

And got to see my name in blinking lights.

The show was packed, and the crowd was lubricated. This is a nice combination for laughter…and awkward heckles. When I started the show, I attempted to talk to the crowd. As is standard, I asked if any of the audience members were celebrating anything. One woman in the front loudly proclaimed, “I don’t have AIDS.”

As you can imagine, that brought the show to a screeching halt. I try to roll with it, and I even congratulated her, but she seemed fairly AIDS-obsessed. In fact, when I did a bit about living at home, with my parents, she attempted to cheer me up. “At least you don’t have AIDS,” she consoled.

True.

Perhaps I should use this as a mantra. Perhaps everyone should. And if you’re feeing particularly creative, switch up the STD.

For instance, if you get dumped by your boy/girlfriend, you can tell yourself (with loving kindness, of course), “At least you don’t have Chlamydia.”

Well, I suppose this will work as long as Tiger Woods isn’t said ex-boyfriend.

That weekend, I worked with my good friend, Steve Sabo, at the Comedy Room in Wyandotte, Michigan. Combine this with no major heckles and top-notch Italian food, and you’ve got yourself a pretty awesome night.

Steve’s a. pre-show game face, b. pre-show constipation face or c. both.

Char and Kenny, the lovely folks who help run the room.

Steve and me (along with super funny Jordan Jones, who MCed the show…and treated us to some of his funk-o-licious dancing).

This past week, I performed in Gaylord, Michigan with my friend, Sal Demilio.

Yes, in case you’re wondering, the blazer/black shirt combination has been making a lot of appearances as of late.

Despite there being a massive blizzard, the audience that showed up was small, but mighty. We had a great time, and we even met audience member, Dave, after the show.

I could have done without the weather on the way home though.

A view from I-75. Nothing says, "Welcome back!" like a huge blizzard and threats to put your car in the ditch. Thanks, Michigan!

But, alas, I made it home and then performed at Chaplin’s Comedy Club that weekend.

There, I met Chad Miller and Amaru. Both extremely funny and great guys!

The shows were fun, although I think the last one was sponsored by AshleyMadison.com as a woman in the front (who was on a self-described “blind date”) got a call from her husband during the show. Hilarity then ensued.

In summary, it’s great to be back on stage, nice to be in the Midwest and fantastic to be screaming my lungs out at Joe Mac shows!

2009

2010-01-20T12:48:00.000-08:00

As we begin 2010, I suppose it’s appropriate to write a year-in-review post about 2009. I suppose it’s inappropriate to write such a post in mid-January, but what can I say? I was dodging snowballs and ice storms…and trying to help animals in the process. Real animals, not drunken hecklers at one-nighters. Although I did try to help a few of those too – by trying to make them laugh while simultaneously teaching them that shouting “show your knockers” is not commonly thought to be socially acceptable behavior.

2009 was definitely a full year! It started with packing everything I own into a Honda Civic:

I didn’t actually go anywhere; instead, I just packed up the ol’ girl because I was bored, and I wanted to see how much she could fit.

I kid, I kid. Actually, she and I moved to Virginia to work for PETA. Well, I worked for PETA. She stayed at home to watch my place (and I better not hear about her throwing any wild parties).

I also:

-Lost the 35 pounds I gained in 2008 (and kept in off! Yee-haw!)

-Conducted a lot of demonstrations on behalf of animals (some of my faves are pictured)

-Told a lot of jokes

-Got to see my name in lights for the first time

-Was on tv – telling jokes and sticking up for animals (not at the same time though)

-Survived some hurricanes

-Participated in my first race (an endurance-testing one mile)

-Met the NKOTB (after waiting TWENTY LONG YEARS)

-Did my first naked protest

-Advanced in the California’s Funniest Female Comedy Contest

-Met some amazing people in Virginia (and got to visit some pretty gosh darn amazing people in other states)

Throughout this past year, I also traveled like a mofo. In just a year, I went to the following places:

Canada:
Alberta
British Columbia
Manitoba
Nova Scotia
New Brunswick
Ontario
Quebec
Saskatchewan

United States:
Arizona
California
Colorado
Florida
Georgia
Illinois
Indiana
Kansas
Maryland
Massachusetts
Michigan
Minnesota
Missouri
Nebraska
New Jersey
New York
North Carolina
Ohio
Oklahoma
Oregon
Pennsylvania
Rhode Island
South Carolina
Texas
Utah
Washington
Washington DC
West Virginia
Wisconsin
Wyoming

P.S. I think I got jetlagged just making that list.

To say 2009 was filled with a lot of excitement would probably be an understatement. It was also filled with many laughs and many learning experiences. It wasn’t nearly as sleep-filled as I had hoped, but, I suppose I can sleep when I’m dead. Or when I’m being made to watch football or Twilight.