My review of the NKOTB cruise

On May 14, 2010, I went on the official New Kids on the Block cruise. This is also the anniversary of the day that Danny Wood first graced the world with his presence. I wrote a review of my time on the ship that was originally posted on Zoiks Online, but I figured I'd post it here too.

If you'd like to see all of my pictures from the trip, they're on facebook. Normally, I would post them all on here, but frankly, I'm way too lazy. Plus, I'm a bit of a friend whore, and I enjoy collecting e-pals. For those of you who need some immediate boy band eye-candy, I did include a few pictures at the end.

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At last, the review everyone has been waiting for is finally complete. I know the masses out there have been holding their collective breath and anticipating a summary of my trip on the second annual New Kids on the Block cruise. And by masses, I mean 22 people. Well, I have finally stopped hyperventilating, and I am happy to share a full report from the S.S. Squealing Like a 12-Year-Old.

For those of you pondering if the New Kids on the Block (NKOTB, if you’re nasty) are even still around, allow me to provide some background information. Danny Wood, Donnie Wahlberg, Joe McIntyre, Jon and Jordan Knight were members of the most well-known boy band in the late 80’s/early 90’s. They broke up in 1994, reunited in 2008, released another album (appropriately titled “The Block”) and have been touring ever since. If you’d like more information about them (including birthdates, middle names, height/weight, etc.), email me directly. And in case you’re wondering, they definitely still have “The Right Stuff” (Sorry, I couldn’t resist). After all, they did sell out the O2 Arena in London and they can still do the running man with the best of them. So please, save the Old Men on the Block jokes for at least another 15 years.

The cruise featured concerts, meet and greet opportunities, themed deck parties (by the way, mixing Bud Light with all white clothing will turn a white party into a beige party very quickly), beach and trivia games hosted by the Kids and 2,000 screaming women. Ahem, make that 1,990 screaming women, 5 screaming men and another 5 bored men (who I presume were husbands along for the ride). While I have been a fan for more than twenty years, the other cruise attendees’ fandom made mine pale in comparison. I may have followed them around the country, but my obsession stops at knowing all of their bodyguards’ social security numbers and shoe sizes.

I was shocked by how accessible all of the Kids were. They strolled the Lido deck, grabbed snacks from the ship’s cafeteria and swam in the ocean (once we were docked, of course) without getting harassed. I’m sure there were some women who had slight heart attacks upon seeing them, but everyone managed to keep their cool and nobody mobbed them or attempted to grab them in their no-no spots. One of my favorite moments of the cruise was when I was on the glass elevator and spotted Joe McIntyre (my favorite New Kid). I immediately got off at the next floor, raced down the stairs to find him and asked him for a picture. My mom, who was also along for the boy band extravaganza, immediately became a fan upon meeting Joe. “He rubbed my back while we were taking the picture!” she screamed. And then we shared a beautiful (read: slightly pathetic) mother-daughter bonding moment of gushing over a pop singer.

Since there is another one booked for next year, you might be asking yourself, “who should go on a New Kids on the Block cruise?“ Or you might just be pondering when the cast of “The Jersey Shore” is finally going to go away. Well, I can’t help you with the latter, but I can certainly provide you a list of the former.

1. Straight (or hetero-curious), single men who are attracted to obsessive women. Bonus points if you look like Donnie.

2. Anyone who enjoys the song “Shots” by Lil Jon, as it was played nearly on repeat and was the cruise’s unofficial anthem.

3. Members of other has-been boy bands. After all, the New Kids don’t have time to hook up with every passenger. So if you’re from Take That, Five or the Guys Next Door, there’s a pretty good chance you might score on board.

4. People who love the 80’s. If you’re looking for a place to bust out some shoulder pads and over-permed hair, the New Kids cruise is for you!

5. Kate Brindle.

6. Generous people who would like to finance Kate Brindle’s trip. Said people also receive the high privilege and distinct honor of watching me fist pump to “Shots.”

When I disembarked from the ship, I almost immediately began having withdrawals from singing “Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Hangin’ Tough” (while waving my hands in the air like I just don’t care, of course). While waiting for my flight, I overheard a woman talking about “texting Jordan.” I nearly gasped. She was texting the Jordan Knight? I quickly tapped her on the shoulder and said, “Oh my God! You know Jordan Knight? Were you on the New Kids cruise?” She burst into a grin and said, “no, no, my son’s name is Jordan. I was talking to him.”

Ah! Apparently not everyone is nearly as obsessed with the New Kids on the Block as I am. Something tells me my mother might be now though.


My mom and me with Joseph Mulrey McIntyre. AKA The man I've loved for twenty-one years. AKA Perfection. Okay, so I'm *slightly* gushing and I'm a bit obsessed, but you must admit, the man does have some amazing clavicles...


Meeting them for the second time. I didn't get to stand next to Joe as he was already "claimed."


Lovebirds.

Count on receiving a formal wedding announcement by July.


I'm quite the expert at cropping photos to make them look like the person I'm pictured with actually knows me. Not trying to brag, but Danny Wood did make brief eye contact with me...and he didn't seem nearly as put off by my sweat as he did when I met him last year.

Count on receiving a formal wedding announcement by July.

Arriving

My most recent road adventure took me to four states in two different time zones and featured performing in a comedy contest, traveling to Amish country for the first time, prank calling and needing a translator to understand hecklers in the deep South.

My first stop was a comedy contest in Columbus, Ohio. Well, to be fair, it was slightly outside of Columbus, Ohio, but I can't remember the name of the town right now (much like a lot of the places I perform), and I'm pretty sure they root for Ohio State, so Columbus will have to suffice. I didn't get a chance to take any pictures of the actual contest, but I did snap a quick picture of the facade of the venue:

See? Proof that I was there.

I advanced to the semi-finals in the contest, however, I had to withdraw due to being out of town and having other gigs on the nights of the semis. Boo, hiss. Oh well, here's hopin' I can do the contest next year and win over some Buckeyes.



On Friday and Saturday, I performed at Stitches Comedy Club in Lancaster, Pennsylvania for the first time. The club is located in the heart of Amish country. Amish stuff, as seen here, is all the rage:

Apparently, etc. is also in high demand.

Stitches is located in a hotel that has a golf course and walking trail, which I took advantage of during my stay. These are some shots from my Saturday morning walk:









Also staying at the hotel during the weekend were drum and bugle core convention attendees and Great Pyrenees show dogs. So during my walk, I felt like I was on set of both "Best in Show" and "Stripes."

After Lancaster, I headed down to my ol' stomping grounds of Norfolk, Virginia. While I was in town, I got to do an open mic at the New Belmont. It was great to catch up with old friends and see the funny peeps of Hampton Roads. It was in Norfolk that some pretty kick-ass prank calling happened too. I don't think I've ever mentioned it on this blog, but if there's one thing I love nearly as much as the New Kids on the Block, it's prank calling. And I'm happy to report that three prank calls were successfully pulled off. I'm shocked anyone answers unrecognized numbers any more, but I am so very glad they do. Perhaps if stand-up doesn't take off, I might have a future as a Jerky Girl.

I also got a chance to walk the beach, which was most enjoyable.


I do have toes, they're just very shy.

After Norfolk, I headed to Alabama to perform at the Del Ranch.


My name in fancy lights. Not sure how I feel about wifi getting billing over my name, but still, something tells me I have arrived!

Not only that, but Steve Sabo and I got to sign boobages.



Allow me to repeat myself, I have arrived!

Audience members were also treated to me modeling the thong underwear Steve sells after shows.


In case you're wondering, yes, I have a matching pair underneath. If you're looking to pick-up a pair (they make great presents for grandma), you can go visit SteveSabo.com.

After performing at the Del Ranch, Steve and I drove to Huntsville to hang out with friends, Scott, Jaci, Eric and Spencer. This is also where we watched Iron Man 2 and UFC 113...and consumed too much alcohol. Oh yeah, and I kicked some major booty at trivia:



If you're curious about why that's my name, stop by one of my one-nighter shows. You’ll be treated to a riveting story about cross-country travel, sexy devil Halloween costumes and lack of bowel control.

I’m not quite sure how to conclude this post, or if a conclusion is even necessary, so I will once again say, I have arrived! This time, as a trivia master.

VegFest and Lil Jon

Last weekend was a lovely combination of many of the things I love in life: vegan food, activism, laughter and, of course, Joey McIntyre. Oh yeah, and songs by Lil Jon about boozing it up.

I worked at Connxtions Comedy Club in Lansing, Michigan, which is one of my favorite places to work. Not only are the audiences usually fun, but they have one of the most kick-ass staffs around!

That’s Tom Slovinski (also a comic) acting out the official dance for the weekend. I’m calling it “the shot” after the song “Shots” by LMFAO (featuring Lil Jon). If you haven’t heard the song, picture Lil Jon screaming the word “shots” over and over again over loud thumpa thumpa music. Brilliant, no?

I also worked with Richie Holliday. Or as I prefer to refer to him as: Joey McIntyre’s doppelganger. These pictures really don’t do the resemblance justice, but let’s just say I had a hard time calling him by his actual name. And when he showed on Friday with a fedora, it took everything in my power not to demand that he sing “Please Don’t Go Girl.”



Does having two fans on his arms make him look more like Joey? Insert your own “yes, because Joey only has two fans left” jokes here.


Another shot of Joey, ahem, I mean Richie. This time with headliner, Mike Lucas, in their “let’s take this show on the road” comedy duo pose.


The crowds were nice all week, although I learned that crowds comprised of bikers aren’t generally too receptive to women’s studies and PETA jokes. Who would have thunk it? And I also got to host my first fake orgasm contest. I was just thankful I didn’t have to be in it as I like to save my fake orgasms for the privacy of my own home. Or the privacy of my own pay-by-the-minute phone sex line. Ah, I kid, I kid. But, yes, hosting the contest was definitely better than being in it.

On Sunday, I volunteered at VegFest in Ferndale, Michigan. If you haven’t been, you really must go next year. The annual event features cooking demonstrations, speakers, workshops, tons of exhibitors and lots of yummy food samples. This year, I was given the duty of escorting John Salley (former Detroit Piston and NBA Champion), who was one of the featured speakers. I showed him around the event and led him to the auditorium and area where he signed autographs. Not trying to brag, but I think my menacing and intimidating look is also why I was selected for this job. After all, if stalkers showed up, I think they wanted someone who means business. And nothing says means business like Kate Mother F’ing Brindle. Am I right? I really think I have a future in event security. And if that goes well, perhaps they’ll do a remake of The Bodyguard staring yours truly. Although I’d like to politely request that Whitney Houston be replaced by Justin Bieber as I’d so much rather guard and protect at a Teen Beat convention than I would at a crack house.


That’s John and one of the event organizers/VegMichigan members, Peter Fulda.

I saw a lot of old friends at VegFest, and it was wonderful to catch up with them! Plus, being at a huge event full of other vegans and activists was really inspiring. Oh yeah, and I got to hug a cow!

That’s Bessie, er, I mean, Daniel, another VegMichigan member. Daniel and I know each other from Veg Ann Arbor, so it was nice to catch up…and discuss the joys of wearing mascot costumes (especially ones where people feel entitled to grab your udders).

Pole-dancing and Ali G.

On Tuesday, I performed at Snappers in Fenton, Michigan, and what an adventure it was! How can you not love performing at a place with a stripper pole in the middle of the stage? Plus, there were lots o’ comics on the show, and it’s always nice to see multiple funny people that you know, and meet new ones that you don’t.


I worked with headliner, Fred Potter.


I also worked with Aaron Campbell Dunlap (who did a guest set) and Jimmy and Jason from Penis Philben (the MC’s). Sidenote: Penis Philben and I are hitting the road in the fall, when I’ll be known as Kathie Lee Vagina.


That’s Kevin, the awesome DJ who honored most of my cheesy music requests (Although he drew the line at “Hangin’ Tough.”).


Penis Philben, Fred Potter and a frightened woman who was trying to adjust her rings and exit the bathroom anonymously without entering anyone’s pictures that will later appear on a blog and/or facebook. Drat. No such luck.

The show was a lot of fun! Midway through the show, Fenton’s equivalent of Ali G. walked in and sat in the front row. Picture Ali G., only blonde, and wearing a red winter vest instead of a vinyl track suit. I wish I had a picture of him in his get-up as it was quite brilliant.

Also, as I was entering my closing bit, a woman got dragged out by security (kicking and screaming) for confronting what I presume to be an ex-boyfriend in the front row. I don’t mind people going psycho, in fact, I kind of enjoy it. However, it’s ideal when they can throw tantrums within the first15 minutes of my act as opposed to during my last joke. So flail, punch and claw until your heart’s content, just not when I launch into my dating material (my last couple of bits). Because if I don’t get a laugh on those, I resort to telling knock-knock jokes to close the show out.

The real fun started when I got off stage. Upon walking back to my seat, I was approached by a gentleman who told me his wife just passed away, and that he was out for one of the first times since her death. He told me that I made him laugh and got his mind off of her for the evening. When I shook his hand, he slipped a fifty dollar bill in it! That was super nice of him (especially since homegirl is mega-broke right now), but the compliment meant more than the money. He then invited me on his pontoon boat this summer. Hellz yeah! One of my goals for the summer was to make friends with a boat-owner, and it looks like I already accomplished that one by April. Now I only have getting better at rollerblading, meeting Joe McIntyre again and learning Spanish to check off the old listy pooh.

Not only did he give me a tip, but he bought several rounds of drinks for all the comics. I followed Penis Philben’s lead and drank rum and Cokes. Holy Mother! I’m way too used to Bud Light, as I was feeling no pain about three drinks in. Proof that I was a bit toasted? I tipped blonde Ali G. as he pole-danced.

Nothing says sex appeal like dirty socks! Hot dayumn! Unfortunately, this picture was taken after he ditched the Ali G. garb.

And I danced. Not only did I dance, but I persuaded strangers to do the lawnmower with me. And I showed some fellow dancers the dental floss. Good Lord, I’m sure we looked ridiculous! At least we only did the shopping cart for a minute or two. Even I have some standards.

I also requested nearly every song on the Top Ten Songs White People Love List. How sweet that Kevin indulged my terrible taste in music and actually played most of them.

Here's hoping that the good people of Fenton will remember my set...and not my atrocious dancing!

BG

On Tuesday, I performed at Grumpy Dave’s in Bowling Green, Ohio. It’s one of my favorite places to perform. I dig the young crowds, supportive regulars, nearby bars (where long islands flow for two whole bucks) and yummy vegetarian restaurant (named after a hamster). Plus, there are always a lot of Toledo area comics who show up to hang out.

I enjoyed my set (which featured impromptu references to porn and prostitution), and I had a blast watching the other comics on stage too (Bill Bushart, one of my favorites, headlined).

Sheila and Ashley came down from Connxtions Comedy Club to check out the show. It was great to see them (and their adorable hair).


The whole Toledo comedy crew (and one fake-tanned, honorary member from Ann Arbor).


Scott Putnam and Kevin Serres (who MCed the show).


Comedy 101: learning to mug for the camera to create the illusion of spontaneity and/or having a blast (this skill comes in particularly handy after bombing or when there are three audience members at a show).


Demonstrating a rear-naked chokehold on Steve Sabo. He tapped out 2 seconds later.

Oh, for North Dakota!

Last week, I hit the road with Steve Sabo, and we did a run in Minnesota and North Dakota. After a 17 hour drive, our first stop was the Black Cat in Thief River Falls, Minnesota. No pictures from that night, but our show was the last one of the season so there was a great turn-out.

Next up? The Ramada Inn in Grand Forks. Ooh la la, Mama loves performing in the same place as she stays (especially when generous audience members keep the shots-a-flowin’). The highlight of the night: Steve calling me on stage during his set and forcing me to tell a three minute story about pooping my pants (and sitting in it for 8 hours). I am now officially shameless. If you’d like to hear said story, come to a show as it’s quickly becoming a regular bit.

We met a couple University of North Dakota students (including a woman who was also named after Katharine Hepburn, like yours truly), who we ended up hanging out with for a while after the show. We also met local celebrity, “Flower Lady,” who gave us very natural-looking blue carnations (sky-colored flowers occur in the wild, no?).




Thursday-Saturday, we worked at Courtney’s Comedy Club in Fargo/Moorhead.

A sign from inside the club. It was completely adorable to hear people say phrases like, “Oh, for funny” or “Oh, for cute.” Oh, for North Dakota accents!

The audiences were so great! They were wonderful laughers and really nice people too. We hung out with several cool people and watched the post-show karaoke nearly every night (My favorite rendition was a version of “Because I Got High” performed by a man that looked like the combination of the Unibomber and a college professor). We even met a Canadian hockey team, who we eventually leg-wrestled (I would like to state for the record that I beat one of them twice. Sure, he was drunk, practically falling down and an amputee, but I still beat him! Okay, okay, so the amputee part was a joke and he probably let me win, but I’m still going to gloat away.).


Despite the flexed muscles and graffiti background indicating otherwise, this is not a post-street fight victory shot. That's headliner Steve Sabo, MC JD Provorse and me with two audience members after one of our shows.

Courtney’s is yet another comedy club that’s attached to a hotel (score!). The hotel also features a mini-golf course, which Steve and I took advantage of.


Is the “squatting-like-you’re-taking-a-dump” stance legal?

Despite me being in the lead until the 9th hole, Steve ended up beating me. Rather than putting his way through the last hole, he decided to chip (another questionably legal move) and beat me by 2 strokes. Grr. A rematch is definitely in order.

While North Dakota has beautiful skies and nice people (with cute accents), it wasn’t the most vegetarian-friendly state I’ve been to.

Check out the heart attack roll at a sushi bar we went to:


And I actually saw this on the shelf at a gas station:

Potted meat product? Oh, for disgusting!

But, despite having to hunt for veggie options (no pun intended), it’s still a pretty fun place that I’d like to go back to soon.

Lovin' on Asheville

A few weeks ago, I returned to the south for the first time since moving back to Yankee country in January. The weather couldn’t have been more perfect, and it was definitely nice to be back in a town that sounds like an obscenity depending on how you say it (I’m referring to Norfolk, Virginia, or Nawfick, as the locals say). I swear, it took me a good three months to tell people where I lived without sounding like I was dropping the F bomb.

I spent St. Patrick’s Day at a bar on the beach with the Reverend Warren Dean. Greenies, the bar we went to, did not live up to its name as they ran out of green beer in the morning. I guess if you want to get drunk on booze and food coloring, you’ve got to show up early. They still had Bud Light on tap (thank everything holy!), which I enjoyed thoroughly.

The Reverend.

P.S. If you like to watch videos of people getting tased, check out his website, where you can see him get pumped full of electricity.


Laughter and/or prayer: what happens upon drinking beer on the beach at 1 pm on St. Patrick's Day.



At the end of the week, I traveled to Asheville, North Carolina to work at the Funny Business Comedy Club. What an amazing city! I think I fell in love with it upon exiting my vehicle. Well, in fairness, first, I probably peed and stretched my legs, but after that, nothing but smitten city for me.

The town reminded me a lot of Ann Arbor, only with more mountains and less crap weather. It seemed really LGBTQ-friendly, had a delicious veggie restaurant and even had a progressive kids clothing store (that sold t-shirts that said, “Anarchy in the Pre-K”). Plus, there was a peace rally that took place directly across the comedy club.

And…another reason it’s the shiznit:


Yet another reason:

In case it’s unclear, that’s Drew pulling a Vanna White and displaying a vegetarian starter kit stand on one of Asheville’s streets (All contestants who walk by receive lovely parting gifts in the form of free vegetarian recipes and information on the health benefits of going vegan).

The shows at the club were a lot of fun! Smart, lefty crowds, which are always enjoyable. It was a whirlwind trip as I had to get back to the Midwest for shows in North Dakota the next week. But, I wish I could have stayed longer. It was such a beautiful, relaxed place, and I didn’t want to leave. I contemplated throwing a fit in the middle of the hotel parking lot, but decided against it as I really didn't want to get picked up, shoved in the car and told that I’m not allowed to watch Dora the Explorer for two whole weeks for pulling such antics. So instead, I sucked it up, drank a boatload of caffeine and helped make the drive back to Virginia.

Asheville, I’ve got your number. So be expecting a call…and a second date.