Halloween is just around the corner, and as we all figure out what costume to purchase (Should I go as the sexy cat, slutty bunny or skanky nurse? Decisions, decisions.), I figured I would share some Halloween wisdom I’ve learned over the years. Sadly, these ten tips are all from personal experience.
It is my one hope that all of you fine folks in cyberland can learn from my misfortune and not make the same mistakes I did.
1. Going as a mermaid will make you unable to walk. Going as a television set will make you unable to move your arms. Both costumes will subject you to ridicule from other children and leave you in tears by the end of the night.
2. Dressing up as Madonna (during her cone-bra era) in the sixth grade will likely get you suspended.
3. If you hand out pennies instead of candy, your house will be toilet-papered.
4. Most costumes for pets are tantamount to animal cruelty.
5. Dressing up as Sarah Palin at a Halloween party for leftist vegans will also get you toilet-papered.
6. Covering yourself with boxes of Kellogg’s, carrying a knife and going as a “cereal killer” is not nearly as clever as you may think.
7. Asking strangers (who are clearly in costume) if they “dress that slutty everyday” is generally not advisable.
8. Wearing a sweater vest, khakis and a nametag and going as a “Gap employee” is not a real costume. Put some thought and creativity into it, Lazy.
9. If you’re looking to be unoriginal and/or to get lucky, dressing as Lady Gaga or Snooki are excellent choices.
10. Drinking and bobbing for apples don’t mix. Vomit never made any party game more fun.
This piece is also posted at Zoiks Online.
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